If I Should Die
by barbed-wire-and-roses
Summary: This began as a one shot on an anonymous meme. The prompt was, "Roy ends up maimed in some way, maybe from being captured/tortured; Ed is the one who finds/rescues/takes care of him". It kind of ran away with me and this is the story that resulted.
1. Chapter 1

_I'm going to die here_. The realization was a cold, slippery thing that crawled up his spine, settling in the pit of his stomach. Blood was spattered across the floor, the only thing in this room that wasn't a bleary gray. It was dried now, he was sure, but he couldn't quite focus enough to tell.

All that existed was agony. Strung up by his wrists in heavy iron shackles, he was pretty sure that by now at least one was dislocated. The balls of his feet brushed the floor, not nearly enough to take the pressure off the sharp manacles that bit into his skin. He might have cried if he could have dredged up the tears to do so.

Roy coughed, a rasping, guttering sound, as sickly as he was. It wracked his body until he cried out at the extra pressure on his wrists, gasping with the effort it took to stifle the onslaught that threatened to follow. He struggled to stretch enough to press his feet to the floor, desperate to take some of the weight off his abused shoulders and arms, but it was all for naught.

He wasn't even sure how long he'd been here. It had been brutal at first, beatings that kept him passed out much of the time. In a cruel twist of fate, one of them had been an alchemist who spent much of his time trying to master the use of Roy's gloves. Eventually, they succeeded, and though he had no idea the extent of the damage, one eye was still nearly seared shut from the burns. As the weeks wore on, his captors seemed to lose interest, relegating more and more of his time to passive torment. He craved sleep, respite, even death if it would only ease the pain that never truly went away.

He was going to die here, and he almost welcomed it. The dank air in his cell crowded against burns and wounds alike, threatening to suffocate in all its weight. He closed his good eye, head hanging as he waited.

Roy hardly noticed the distant explosion, yells and gunfire somewhere else in the prison. The sounds drew closer, but he could not find the strength to lift his head any longer. Enemy soldiers ran by his cell, and only when he watched them fly back against the wall, driven by bright flashes of light, and chased by debris, did he dare look up.

Like this, Ed looked like something dredged up from hell. Golden hair had slipped from it's ponytail, hanging ragged and bloody around his shoulders. He clapped his hands together, and the expression on his face as mismatched fingers pressed against the concrete was fury defined. His lips twisted in a vindictive sneer, and he was shouting something Roy couldn't make out amidst the explosions that followed.

The building was eerily silent when it was over, and Roy wondered if Edward had really found the strength to finish them all off. The sickly expression on the young man's face was answer enough as he transmuted the bars of Roy's cell. Golden eyes, liquid and burnished in the shadowy light, widened as they regarded Roy.

"Fuck," Ed cursed, hastily closing the distance between them. His voice was almost frantic as he called out, "Talk to me, Mustang."

His mouth was dry, too much for words, but he managed a pained moan that crept off his lips. It seemed answer enough for Edward, who was busily transmuting the floor beneath them. He felt it raise up under his feet, taking the weight off his wrists, and he was too far gone to care about the pain wracked sob that tore its way from his throat.

"Don't you _dare_ die on me, Mustang," Ed growled. Roy wasn't aware of what came next, only that suddenly there were no more iron rings around his wrists. Ed's arms wrapped around his bare waist, dragging him off the makeshift pedestal.

"Just hang in there, you hear me?" Ed was holding up the entirety of his weight, easing them both to the ground. The side of his face that wasn't still burned rested against Ed's human shoulder, an arm around his back keeping him upright. He struggled to look up, to sort out why they were sitting on the floor and not leaving, but the world was already blurring around the edges.

"Just a little longer. There's help on the way." Everything was fading, and Roy hadn't the strength to stop it. Only the steady thumping of Ed's heart against the side of his face, the soft, determined murmur of the words he couldn't make out, kept him grounded. He gave himself up to the darkness wondering why he'd never noticed how lilting Ed's voice was.

X

Roy woke up sometime later, immediately wishing he hadn't. He was…somewhere, in the back of a truck perhaps. The metal flooring bounced beneath him as they drove, each jostling motion magnified by the pain he was already in. He gritted his teeth, but even clenching his jaw only hurt worse.

"Hey, you're still alive." Ed's voice was close, enough that he felt the need to pry his good eye open. The face that peered down at his was haunted, his eyes empty, his smile too bright. Blood and dirt matted hair clung to his cheeks, and Roy was sure he'd never seen anything so beautiful.

Roy tried to say something, a 'what took so long,' a thank you, anything at all. His lips were parched, and his throat worse, and all that came out was another hacking cough that rattled him to the core, making him hiss in pain. It was only when he'd settled once more that he noticed Ed's hand on his shoulder.

"Easy," Ed murmured, seemingly putting aside the inherent friction between them. Roy groaned in agony as that same hand wormed beneath his head, lifting it slightly. Ed held a canteen to his lips, and Roy might have smiled at the awkward, put upon expression on the man's face if he hadn't been in so much pain.

The water was tepid, but it was heaven to his parched throat. He tried instinctively to gulp it down, making a sound suspiciously like a whine when Edward pulled the canteen away. "I didn't hunt you down and rescue you just so you could drown your sorry ass."

"Thirsty," Roy managed, the words clawing at his throat so much that he cringed as he spoke them. It was enough to sway Ed, though, who only rolled his eyes and held the canteen back to Roy's lips.

After a few moments, the mouth of the bottle was pulled away once more. Roy felt himself drifting, and just barely noticed the subtle shift in Ed's body. His head was eased back, left to rest against Ed's human leg. Ed himself was doing an admirable job of trying to look like he hadn't done it on purpose, and in fact hadn't noticed Roy's head pillowed in his lap at all. He stared at the nondescript metal wall of the truck, absently tugging his coat up a bit around Roy's shoulders.

Roy swallowed and coughed some more, miserable and sore and still inches away from giving up. Ed frowned down at him, the corners of his eyes crinkling with concern. Whatever he was thinking about, all that came out was, "Don't you dare fucking die in my lap, Mustang."

He might have laughed. He _wanted_ to laugh at the absurdity of the whole situation. Captured and nearly killed and then rescued by Edward Elric of all people was not ridiculous enough, but to be half asleep in his lap was nothing short of ludicrous.

Still, he couldn't deny that anything was more comfortable than where he'd just come from. Ed had that look again, something almost frightening he'd only caught a glimpse of in the prison. Ed glanced down at Roy with murderous eyes, like what he'd seen behind those walls had loosed a demon. Roy could just make out something about having gotten his gloves back for him and he was sure he didn't want to know what Ed was admitting to having done to the alchemist who'd taken them.

The anger in his expression faded almost immediately, and Roy knew that look. He'd seen it many times during the war, had worn it himself, the face of a soldier forced into something awful. He wished there was something he could do, some measure of solace he could give, but he owed his life to that guilt Ed was willing to bear.

He thought to apologize, but the word was scattered across his broken psyche. It fixed nothing, could not offer back what this had taken from Edward. Before he could cobble together some small measure of his gratitude, the truck lurched to a jerky stop. He was jostled near the point of tears, though Ed help him steady to buffer the worst of it.

"Guess we're at the hospital," Ed grumbled, making no move to get up.

The doors at the back of the truck swung open, letting in more light. Roy blinked, trying to make out the faces of Ed's accomplices, but it was to no avail. He didn't recognize them, though the blue uniforms were familiar, even with his vision blurred by fatigue and indeterminate damage. Two others appeared, blocking the opening of the truck. They were dressed in white and bearing what was probably a stretcher.

Roy gritted his teeth, trying to sit up because he'd had quite enough of being humiliated over the last… however long it had been. Damaged and ill though he might be, he could still walk. He was determined to prove as much but metal fingers curled around his shoulder, pinning him in place pitifully easily.

"Are you some kind of idiot? Hold still," Ed barked, molten eyes narrowing at him.

"I can walk," Roy rasped out, seeking to hang onto one last little shred of dignity. He stared beseechingly at Edward as best he could as he tried to focus with his one good eye. Edward only scowled, utterly unmoved.

"I'm sure you can, but you're not going to. Trust me, I've spent plenty of time in hospitals and they're really not big on letting you go anywhere on your own two feet if they can wrestle you into a wheelchair or a stretcher," he murmured wryly. His expression had taken on a sympathetic edge, though he did not let Roy up.

"Fine," Roy finally muttered. He might have added something snarky about the trouble Ed got himself into on a regular basis to be so well acquainted with the ways of hospital staff. He might have said a great many things if moving his mouth didn't pull viciously at the burned side of his face.

"You're not going to try to get up when I let you go, are you?" Ed asked blandly. For the first time, Roy noticed the shadows smudged beneath his eyes, a product of what were probably many sleep deprived nights. Ed looked nearly as bedraggled as Roy felt and in the face of that, he just didn't have it in him to argue anymore.

He shook his head, trying to avoid moving his lips again. It pulled at his abused shoulders and aggravated the headache he hadn't even noticed in the face of all his other injuries. His hair edged over burnt flesh and Roy groaned miserably, his good eye sliding shut against the agonizing feeling.

Ed let go of him finally, lifting the hand from his shoulder in favor of delicately sweeping his bangs back away from the burn. It wasn't the only one, but it was the worst of them, the most recent. Still raw and agonizing, even the gentle brush of Ed's fingers near it made him cringe, anticipating the sharp pain that usually followed.

"I gotta call Hawkeye and let her know where we are. Don't go dying while I'm gone or something fucking stupid like that." Ed lingered for a moment longer as Roy was carefully pulled from the truck and onto a stretcher. With Roy safely out of the vehicle, and presumably in good hands, he hopped out of the truck stretching achy joints. Roy wasn't sure how long they'd been in that truck, but it occurred to him then that Ed had probably stayed there, leaned against the side of the truck, offering himself up as a human pillow.

He told himself that it was gratitude that made him compliant. He lay out on the stretcher, and everything still hurt, but at least it wasn't slats of steel underneath his spine. Roy clenched his teeth as he turned his head, watching Edward disappear.


	2. Chapter 2

_He dreamt of fire. It was a small thing, a faint flicker that lapped ineffectively at the crushing darkness he was shrouded in. He shrank away, retreating further into the safety of the black nothingness that surrounded him. _

_Something caught, the faint flicker rising hungrily. The darkness itself seemed to ignite until the flames were licking their way upward. Fueled on the darkness itself, the fire crackled and popped, inching towards Roy. There was nowhere left to hide, the abyss itself sundered under the onslaught of smoldering heat. _

_Roy backed up, searching frantically for who might be controlling the flames, for some way to put them out. It was hot, too hot, his uniform stifling and clinging to his skin. He needed the jacket off, some small measure of relief from the oppressive heat. Roy reached up to tug his collar loose, eyes widening in terror. Rough fabric scraped at his throat and he jerked his hands away, gasping in horror as he stared at his hands. _

_Pristine white fabric was tailored around his hand. The arrays on the back of his gloves looked innocent enough, but Roy was panicked in his efforts to get them off anyway. It was as if he himself controlled the flames, inviting them closer even as he struggled to stop. _

_Sharp and stinging, Roy howled in pain when the first of the flames reached him. It crawled leisurely along his flesh, oblivious to the agony he was in. Legs, torso, finally along his cheek and all that was left of the world was blinding, blazing light. _

Roy lurched up from the hospital bed, clutching at the ruined side of his face. Pain shot through his body at the unexpected movement and he bit his lip to stifle a pained whimper. His palm slid over bandages wrapped across his burnt cheek and eye, trying to make sense of what was going on.

"It's just a bandage. It's not gonna suffocate you in your sleep or anything," Ed mumbled, his voice slurred with sleep. Roy glanced warily around the dark hospital room, his good eye finally settling on the room's other occupant.

Ed was sitting up, blinking to clear his vision. He was perched in a recliner on Roy's blind side, his gaze flicking sleepily over Roy. The moon filtered in through the blinds, bathing him in clean, white light. It was comfortingly nothing like the red and orange flames that haunted Roy's dreams.

"What're you doing here?" Roy whispered, surprised he could manage even that. Ed scrubbed a human hand over his face.

"I'm sleeping. What does it look like?" he mumbled before correcting himself, "Well I _was_ sleeping and then you were freaking out and I thought you were gonna fall off the damn bed."

Roy ignored the bruise to his pride. There wasn't much left, anyway and at least Edward wasn't being pitying about it. He swallowed a few times, rubbing at his throat until Ed shoved a glass of water at him. Roy took a few sips, sighing at the momentary relief it offered. "I meant why here."

"Where else would I go? Al's back in Central and Hawkeye isn't gonna be here for a day or two. She's swamped with all the stuff she's been trying to keep up with your sorry ass missing." Ed settled back in the chair he'd laid claim to, obviously not planning to leave.

"How…long has it been?" Roy cringed even as he asked, not entirely sure he wanted the answer.

"Hakuro gave up on you a month ago," Ed answered tersely. There was a shadow of the demon again, the expression that promised unrelenting vengeance that Ed normally kept safely tamped down. Roy watched Ed's hands ball into fists, so tight his nails had to be digging into his human palm.

The silence was tired and painful, but there were no words to breach it. To thank Edward would be to admit he could not have escaped on his own, crumpling any remnants of his self confidence. To apologize would only belittle Edward's own sacrifices, and yet he could not stop himself.

"I apologize that it was necessary for you to intervene." It was clinical and safe and maybe might jog some of the tenuous balance between them back into shape.

Edward had never been one for balance. He snarled at Roy. "Oh fuck you, Mustang. Quit acting like you're so god damned untouchable."

"Excuse me?" Roy asked, exhausted and utterly baffled by Ed's sudden outburst. His head hurt again and in the face of an angry Edward he was suddenly very tired.

"Do you think somehow I managed to _miss_ what they were up to? What they did to you? Fucking alchemist tried to attack me with _your_ gloves and I… I…" Ed's anger was no longer directed at Roy himself. His lips twisted into a wrathful scowl, but even that wasn't enough to stifle the faint, guilt wracked tremor that wracked Ed's body.

"Fullmetal, I…" Roy began, scrambling for some semblance of normalcy.

Ed as always, seemed to have other ideas, and cut him on, barging ahead with urgent, heated words. "I lost it. I expected to go down there and find your fucking corpse and then he… he had your gloves and I just… "

Grasping at fragments of Edward's rambling words, Roy eventually managed to put things together. He wouldn't have been surprised if the alchemist wasn't the only casualty of Edward's wrath, but he didn't dare give voice to the thought. There was no restitution for costing someone their morals and control. Ed had always been a force to be reckoned with, as spastic as he was powerful. Roy feared for the soul faced down by his completely focused hatred. Even Ed, it turned out, was not incorruptible.

"I'm sorry, Ed," Roy murmured. He simply hadn't the strength to hold Ed up, not when he could not stand on his own. He half expected another angry outburst, but Ed only shook his head.

"I should be apologizing to you. If I'd just gotten there sooner," Ed paused, flopping back in his chair with a heavy sigh. "Anyway, g'night Mustang. You should sleep or something probably."

Roy eased himself back down to the bed with a pained whimper. He tried to roll onto his side, but the arm beneath him was burnt and still hurting from days spent yanked up over his head. He groaned in spite of his best efforts not to, and Ed rolled over to look at him.

"Do you need anything?" Ed asked awkwardly, propping himself on his elbow.

The last thing he wanted was to go back to sleep, to be haunted again by flames he could not put out. Neither did he think he could stomach the empty, loneliness that threatened to well up. He'd spent too much time alone with his own fears, and caustic as Edward was, he was still enough to silence them for a time. Unwilling to sacrifice what fragments of his pride he could piece together meant not admitting as much. He only stared at the ceiling, hoping Ed was not truly looking at him. "I'm fine."

"Kay. G'night then," Ed murmured as if he'd not noticed anything out of the ordinary. Roy closed his eyes and took a breath, sure Edward had returned to his attempt at getting some much deserved sleep. The dip at the edge of the mattress startled him.

Ed's automail forearm dug into the bedding, and how Ed could lay his head on that, Roy wasn't sure. If it was uncomfortable, Ed refused to admit it. He only gave Roy a look like he was just daring him to say anything, and closed his eyes, burrowing his face against metal and the mattress.

Roy let out a shuddery sigh, his lips turning down in irritation. He didn't _need_ someone close, even if he was still too injured to defend himself. There was nothing to be afraid of and he knew it, but he found himself already resting a bit easier with Ed within arm's reach.

Crisp hospital sheets and a miserably thin mattress beckoned him back towards sleep. Roy felt his good eye drifting shut, and bit by bit he gave in. If he was helped along by steady, rhythmic breathing a few inches from his ear, well… it was only for the way it drowned out the silence. If the way Ed shifted, sleepily draping an arm across his stomach was oddly comforting, it was only because this way his nightmares wouldn't throw him from the bed.


	3. Chapter 3

Sunlight filtered through the windows, prying Roy from sleep. He didn't open his eye, recent experience encouraging him to first get his bearings. Everything was fuzzy and muddled in his head, the last days' events replaying in fragments he had trouble making sense of.

Edward. He remembered that much. Fullmetal had saved him…for whatever reason it was that ever made Ed do anything. He was grateful of course, because whatever drove Ed meant that he was still alive. It was hard, though, not to be utterly humiliated by the fact that Ed had done singlehandedly what he had not managed on his own.

Ed's arm pressed briefly against Roy's stomach as he stirred from sleep. It was still draped over his body, and it slid harmlessly over the tops of the blankets before being gone entirely. Roy didn't open his eye, but he heard Ed groan in what was probably soreness from the awkward way he'd slept. There was a soft, sleepy sigh and he could almost feel Ed looking at him.

Ed's hand brushed briefly against Roy's forehead. It startled Roy, giving away the fact that he was awake and he opened his eye, trying to make sense of Ed's actions. He might have asked what Ed was doing, but the young man was already muttering a sharp curse and pulling his fingers away.

There were tired, shuffling steps across the tile, and water running in the sink. Roy tried to turn his head to watch whatever Edward was up to, but then he was coughing, a painful, rattling assault on his lungs that left him shaking in pain. He didn't notice Ed return to his side, only felt himself being pulled to sit up. It was agonizing, gentle as Ed was trying to be, but he simply hadn't the breath left to protest.

Repulsed by his own weakness, Roy scowled as he was carefully tipped to the side, against Ed's chest so that he didn't have to hold up his own weight. Ed patted awkwardly at his back in what was probably meant to be a soothing gesture, and offered him a glass of water. He stared at the ceiling like he had managed to be utterly oblivious to the way Roy sagged against him.

"You're hot," Ed grumbled finally, breaking the silence as Roy handed back the empty glass.

"Umm?" Roy stared blearily at Ed's face, not at all comprehending what was being said. It wasn't that he hadn't heard correctly, it was just that… Roy tried to pull away, but the motion was enough to make his stomach lurch, threatening to empty itself right into his lap. He doubled over in the bed, wishing he could think straight enough to know how to approach this.

"You're burning up," Ed murmured, the concern in his voice evident, though Roy couldn't see it. He knew that meant something, but he was too busy trying to settle his poor stomach to work out what. Ed gruffly nudged Roy back into lying down, and pressed a cool cloth over his forehead. It felt heavenly, almost distracted him from whatever it was Ed had been rambling about. When he finally meant to ask, he couldn't actually see Ed any longer. The washcloth had slipped over his good eye, and he hurt far too much to reach up and move it. Instead, he only groaned in pain and confusion.

"What are you talking about?" Roy finally asked, wincing immediately. It hurt no less today than it had the day before to speak, bandaging scraping against his ruined cheek each time he moved his jaw.

"You know, a fever," Ed explained irritably, finally noticing and adjusting the cloth so that Roy could see. Apparently getting entirely the wrong idea about Roy's confusion on the matter, he scowled. "Geez, what did you _think_ I meant, you freak?"

He watched Ed's aggravated expression become something else entirely. Realization of what he'd said passed over Ed's face in a guilty shadow. Ed winced and scratched awkwardly at still loose, matted hair, "Sorry…I didn't really mean that."

Roy wanted to hit something. He was nothing short of pitiful if Edward Elric of all people felt the need to censor himself that way. Perhaps noticing the disgusted, angry twist of Roy's lips, half hidden beneath bandaging, Ed turned and stepped out into the hallway. For the first time since Roy had been freed from his prison, he was relieved to see the young man go.

The respite wasn't nearly long enough. Ed returned, a nurse in tow. She gave Roy a terribly sympathetic look that made him want to scream, even more than Ed had. Only the fact that she was currently shoving a thermometer into his mouth kept him from saying as much.

Roy was poked and prodded at and all he really wanted was to go back to sleep and be sick and miserable in peace already. He looked around, hoping to at least chase Ed off so he could go through this indignity without an audience who'd probably never let him live it down. In a rare moment of insight or mercy, Ed had already slipped away.

It was just as well that he'd gone. Ed was still covered in blood and dust like he hadn't thought Roy could handle himself for the time it would take him to have a shower. Maybe he would get himself a hotel room and some decent rest somewhere that wasn't a hospital armchair, and assuage some small fraction of Roy's guilt.

When the nurse finally left him be, Roy sank gratefully against the sheets. He hurt, possibly worse than the day before, and of _course_ malnutrition and dank air had made him ill. He felt like some pathetic shadow of the man he'd been and only the way Ed was still mostly being Ed allowed him to deal with his nearly constant presence. Roy dreaded facing Riza when he could barely face himself.

Half an hour passed and Roy wondered offhandedly where Ed had gone. An hour and Roy cursed under his breath when he noticed himself staring at the closed door for the hundredth time. An hour and a half and Roy felt entirely stranded because for this particular moment in time, Ed was really all he had. Each time the door opened to reveal the nurse checking on him yet again only made Roy scowl more.

By the time Ed finally came back, Roy was half asleep. He heard the door creak open, but didn't look up, assuming it to be the nurse again. Only as clunky, mismatched steps drew closer did Roy open his eye, blinking at Ed. Edward mostly ignored him for the moment, flopping back in the armchair he'd apparently decided to take up residence in.

He was not, was not going to ask where Ed had gone. It smacked of neediness, and he didn't _need_ anyone here, Ed or otherwise. He was sure there was something he could say, something he could do that would set things right, but all that came out was a terse, "What are you doing here?"

Ed reached over, dropping a brown paper bag into Roy's lap. Rather, what would be Roy's lap were he sitting up, something else Ed seemed to be trying to remedy. Much to Roy's relief, Ed wasn't actually trying to make him sit up, instead just fiddling with the bed itself. It didn't really occur to Roy to tell him to knock it off until he was sitting halfway up.

"Are you quite finished?" Roy asked as Ed finally backed away a bit. He grimaced as he leaned forward just a bit more, peering into the bag. Inside were miscellaneous fruits and pastries, as if Ed had taken it upon himself to clear out an entire breakfast buffet.

"What's this?" Roy ignored the pain he incurred by speaking. That, at least, had marginally dissipated from whatever pills the nurse had given him during one of her numerous check-ins.

"It's breakfast. What's it look like?" Ed asked, shaking his head at Roy as he leaned back in the chair.

"Perhaps that was the wrong question. Why?" Roy clarified, hoping that would get a more direct answer.

Ed's lips curled up. It was a faint smile at first, broadening a bit into something more substantial. It was the first one Roy had seen on him in… a long, long time, and somehow it lifted his own mood just a little. Ed chuckled, gesturing vaguely towards the door. "If you're asking me that, they haven't tried to feed you yet."

Roy raised an eyebrow at Ed, or tried to. It hurt far too much to maintain, and he grimaced in pain instead. In a poor attempt at recovery he glanced at Ed who was sprawled in a rather undignified manner across the poor, abused armchair. "I take it you've spent a bit of time here."

"Is there a hospital in Amestris I haven't spent a bit of time in?" Ed joked, and even if he wasn't nearly himself, it was a start.

They sat in companionable silence for a while. Roy settled on taking his chances with an orange, offering the bag back to Edward. He regretted his choice as soon as he began picking at the peel. It hurt his injured wrist, but he refused to ask for help, and Ed did not seem terribly inclined to humiliate him further. In fact, Ed went on like he hadn't noticed a thing beyond the fact that there was a chocolate pastry in the bottom of the bag.

Roy managed eventually, though his wrist was throbbing painfully. It was worth it once he brought a segment to his lips, the first really edible thing he'd had in a while. It was sweet and juicy and didn't seem to be threatening to stage a coup on his stomach so far.

He took a moment to glance back over at Ed, still stretched out, legs dangling over the arm of the chair. The young man looked a bit worse for the wear, obviously still not having taken the time to get cleaned up. Roy sighed through his nose. Maybe he couldn't control his current predicament, and maybe he couldn't get Ed to leave him alone entirely. At least he could make sure his subordinate took care of himself, though.

"Did you really walk into a restaurant like that?" Roy asked.

Ed lifted his head from the arm of the chair to look at Roy. Dust tarnished bangs clung to his forehead, and there was still a suspicious looking smear across his nose and one cheek. "Yeah, so?"

Somehow, pointing out that Ed looked like he'd just dug his way out of a grave seemed highly inappropriate. "You're rather a mess. I'm surprised they let you in at all."

Ed's expression darkened, obviously remembering exactly why he was such a mess. And really, he was. His button down shirt that had probably been white once was now smeared with blood and debris. His hair hung in dirty tangles, drooping in his face and down his back. Whatever sleep he had managed at Roy's side the night before had done little to alleviate the dark circles under his eyes. Even Ed could not possibly be oblivious to all of that, and yet he only replied, "Well, I lost my hair tie."

"Go take a shower and get some proper rest, Fullmetal," Roy murmured. Why he'd expected Ed to do _anything_ without a fight was beyond him.

"Don't tell me what to do," Ed grumbled back petulantly. He crossed his arms over his chest as if that somehow made him more intimidating.

"You look terrible. I'm shocked the nurses haven't herded you into a shower already," Roy said blandly. He didn't have the energy for this, _really_ wasn't all that keen on being alone again, but if he didn't get some semblance of control back now, he knew he never would.

"Oh _you_ have room to talk. And who're you calling… whatever you're trying to insinuate. You act like…" Ed trailed off, scowling irritably at Roy and not budging. Roy continued, cutting Ed off before he could say more.

"Go take a shower and a nap. That's an order, Fullmetal," Roy grated out.

"Fuck you. You don't get to be…gone for this long and make me chase your sorry ass down and then just run me off," Ed railed at him. It was different from his usual outbursts, something more serious lurking just beneath.

"Did I somehow stop being your commanding officer?" Roy hoped that Ed was too riled to notice the quaver in his voice.

"It doesn't fucking matter! You can't just order me away after…after," Ed faltered, head turning away and down until his face was shrouded by his hair.

Roy reached up to card his fingers through his hair, grimacing in pain. "This is non-negotiable. You're no good to anyone if you're too worn out to think."

It seemed to be Roy's discomfort more than anything he said that finally swayed Ed. He watched Roy's expression, his own face tight with concern. Finally, he pushed up off the chair. "Fine, suit yourself."

Winning wasn't nearly as satisfying as it ought to have been. Ed seemed to have decided the hospital room shower would suffice and trounced off, leaving Roy by himself. By all rights, the silence ought to have been welcome, offering sleep he couldn't really get with Ed hovering over him. Instead, it had him glancing at the empty chair now and again, feeling strangely hollow without Ed occupying it.

There was a heavy thud, metal against the wall or the tub itself, that startled Roy from his thoughts. He might have gone to make sure Ed was alright, but even lifting himself up of the half reclined bed was excruciating. Ed was not yelling or making any other sort of ruckus, so Roy tried not to worry too much.

He was just considering braving the agony of getting up when the water shut off. A few moments later, Ed emerged from the bathroom, towel wrapped firmly around his waist. He cursed under his breath, utterly ignoring Roy as he went to his suitcase and retrieved a cleaner set of clothes.

Roy looked Ed over, mostly to satisfy himself that Ed hadn't injured himself. He seemed well enough, if a bit bruised up. His eyes were a bit red, his cheeks blotchy, from what Roy could see. He scowled and turned his head away when he caught Roy's gaze, and if Roy hadn't known better, he might have mistaken it for simple irritation at being told what to do.

Ed disappeared back into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. He emerged again fifteen minutes later, looking like nothing at all had happened. His hair still hung loose at his shoulders, but it was clean and shiny once more. Ed looked almost put together, only the way he blinked a bit too much giving anything away.

Roy didn't comment on it, and did not complain as Ed plopped back down in the chair. It wasn't a bed, but Ed was at least being quiet, and halfway obeying orders. He pulled the lever on the chair until the back reclined and sprawled along the length of it. Roy snorted at the young man's stubbornness, but there were worse people to be stuck in a room with.


	4. Chapter 4

The dreams were worse that night, more vivid in the fever that had yet to relinquish its hold. They left him gasping for breath, trembling with a terror he couldn't quite reason away. He curled in on himself despite the pain that shot through his shoulder, afraid to open his eye.

"Hey, it's okay. You're okay." Fingertips brushed along his cheek, and Roy jumped, surprised by the contact. Sick and frightened and still half asleep, he'd forgotten about Edward altogether. He felt his damp bangs pushed gently back away from his forehead, gentle fingers smoothing over his hair.

It was entirely too much. Bad enough Ed had seen him ill and battered and half dead, but terrified of his own dreams? It was getting to be more than he could stomach. He shoved Ed's hand away, gritting his teeth at the pain the movement elicited and growling through them. "I'm _fine_ already. Just leave me alone."

For the briefest of moments, Ed honestly looked hurt. He yanked his hand away as if stung, cheeks red in embarrassment at having tried to help at all. He didn't look at Roy as he mumbled, "I was just trying to help."

"Why do you keep acting like I _need_ your help?" Roy asked irritably, hiding behind the fractured pieces of his pride. Ed hovered and was gruffly caring and that was just marginally okay. He was not willing to be subjected to being pet like a frightened child.

"Why do you keep acting like you don't?" Ed retorted. There was an angry undercurrent to his voice, like he was struggling to keep his temper in check for once.

"Because I don't! You keep… Look, you went above and beyond. Fine, I'm grateful, but I don't need a babysitter. I just want some peace and quiet," Roy yelled, the tenuous control he had finally snapping. "Go. Home."

"Babysitter? You think I stayed to be your fucking bodyguard? Well fuck you, you can have your stupid peace and quiet." Ed's teeth clenched so hard, Roy could see the flex of his jaw, holding back some emotion Roy couldn't quite decipher. He was too angry to care, only glaring at Ed as he stooped to snatch up his suitcase. Ed stalked out the door without so much as a glance back. The sound as the door slammed behind him echoed in the darkness, all that was left of his presence.

The minutes stretched out for miles, until all Roy could hear was the ticking of the clock on the wall and his own harsh, labored breaths. His shoulder complained under the weight of his body pressed over it, but Roy didn't move, only staring at the door. He'd have braved the pain and gotten up to go after Ed if only he'd had some idea of where he was.

Eventually, Roy gave up hope that Ed might change his mind and come back. An hour had passed and then two, and surely Ed was on a train home by now. The darkness and fever played tricks on his mind, shadows teasing with specters out of his nightmares. He closed his eye, trying to shut it out, but they only crowded in around him until he could barely breathe.

The door creaked open, dim light from the hospital hallway spilling into the room. It was shadowed by a familiar form, the edges of his hair glowing in the artificial light at his back. Ed glared at Roy as he stalked back into the hospital room, unceremoniously dropping his suitcase.

Ed stared, silently, for a long moment, steadily meeting Roy's gaze. His jaw worked as he thought about saying something, and then his shoulders tensed. Even as they spilled off his lips, even in the gloomy light, they were obviously painful to say. "Maybe _you_ want to be alone… but I don't."

Roy's eye widened at the realization. All this time he'd taken Ed's attention for pity. On some level, perhaps it was, or just Ed's awkward way of trying to let on that he cared. There was more, though, and Roy's stomach twisted with guilt for having taken what solace Ed had.

He would apologize. He would tell Ed the truth. He was pathetic and broken and jumping at shadows and right now he _needed_ this like he needed air. He opened his mouth, willing to subject himself to the blow to his ego if Ed would simply stay. Ed never gave him the chance.

"You shouldn't lay like that. You're shoulder's still fucked up," Ed muttered tersely, nudging Roy onto his back once more as if nothing at all had happened.

With Roy settled in a less painful position, Ed plopped down in the chair beside the bed. He said nothing, only staring into the darkness, but the simple fact of his presence did much to ease Roy's nerves. He tipped his head back, a soft sigh bubbling between his lips.

"Why here? Why not go back to Al?" Roy prodded. His voice was hushed hardly more than a whisper to invade the darkness between them. It was a terrifying thing to ask, but he felt like he needed to know.

There was that sigh again, and Roy couldn't quite work out if it meant Ed didn't want to answer the question, or if he was just very tired. His jaw worked a few times, and for a few moments, Roy thought Ed really wasn't going to answer. Finally, Ed fidgeted and replied, his voice soft, pleading for some kind of understanding. "Because…when I'm here, I guess…I feel like maybe, maybe I did the right thing."

"Edward, no one blames you for what happened. It was a terrible situation you shouldn't have had to be in," Roy murmured. It wasn't enough, but there was nothing he could _do_, not when the sacrifice Ed had made was to save him.

"I blame me," Ed whispered, turning his head away. He pulled his legs up into the chair, hugging his knees until they and his bangs shrouded his face from view entirely.

Roy's chest clenched tightly as he watched Ed, who always got right back up from everything, give up and wallow in his own perceived sins. He needed a drink, needed two or three actually, before he'd be ready to deal with this. There was nothing for it, though. Roy reached out as best he could manage fingertips brushing along Ed's knee. "You did what you had to do. I'm sorry it came to that."

The balance Roy had struggled to regain finally came to the surface, if not the way he'd intended. Nothing was ever really going to go back to the way it had been before, but perhaps they could be something else. There was no way to know if he didn't try.

Swallowing his pride, Roy tugged at the leg of Ed's pants. Golden eyes peered at him from behind Ed's knees, wary and emotionally exhausted. After a moment's hesitation, Ed gave in and slid his feet to the floor. He leaned forward awkwardly, forehead nudging slightly against Roy's side as he settled halfway against the edge of the mattress. Roy didn't argue as an arm was slung over his stomach.

He told himself that he had nowhere else to put his hand that wouldn't end up in Ed's face. He told himself that it was just that Ed was miserable and probably needed the contact. He told himself it had nothing to do with how familiar Ed's presence was. Whatever he might allow himself to believe, Roy threaded his fingers through Ed's hair, the soft brush of his hand against Ed's head lulling them both back to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

The first thing he noticed, even before the voices, was the empty spot on the mattress Ed had been using for a pillow. His fingers rested against barren sheets, no longer curled against the back of Ed's head. Roy opened an eye and found the chair at his side bereft of Edward too.

"I'm sorry, but I really can't allow you to stay." Roy recognized the voice as that of one of the nurses who checked in with annoying frequency.

"You can't tell me to leave when you're going to stick a fucking knife in him," Ed's voice was strained and tight through the door.

"I assure you, the procedure is not nearly so melodramatic as you're making it out to be," the nurse replied blandly.

"I'm not leaving," Ed bit out, probably glowering at the woman from beneath his bangs.

"With all due respect, you're not immediate family. You're not even distantly related. Now, you really need to go home." She spoke as though Edward were far younger than his twenty years and Roy cringed in sympathy, though he wasn't sure for who.

"Look, I'll stay out of the way. You won't even notice I'm here," Ed argued, and Roy didn't have to see him to know the desperate expression on his face.

"Burn victims are very susceptible to infection. I can't let you stay in this room. In fact, you shouldn't have been in here as long as you have been. Now, I'm going to have to insist that you leave before I call someone to escort you out," the nurse barked threateningly.

"I'll wait out here. It's not like I can get him sick on the other side of a freaking wall," Ed grumbled. If Edward of all people, was trying to strike a bargain, he really was desperate.

"I'm afraid that isn't acceptable, Mr. Elric. You've left this hospital once the entire time he's been here. When you are here, you cling to him. While that might be comfortable for you, it is neither safe or healthy for him. I cannot have you risking the General's health," the nurse replied firmly.

Roy moaned in pain as he forced himself to sit up. That nurse really had no idea who she was doing with. He decided he really ought to get Ed under control before things got anymore out of hand. Gritting his teeth, Roy shifted until his feet brushed the freezing tile floor.

Clinging to the bar at the side of the bed, Roy slowly pushed himself to his feet. The room spun violently, threatening to send him careening straight to the floor. For a moment he was sure he was going to be ill, and squeezed his eye shut against the possibility. Burns across his chest had hardened, and already it was difficult to breathe. It hadn't been so much trouble, relaxed in bed, but the extra effort had him gasping, hardly able to pull in a shallow breath.

Just a few more steps. He had to make it another few steps. Edward was going to be impossible for that woman to handle. Roy clenched his jaw against the agony of trying to move, each shuffling step crushing his chest further.

He hardly noticed he was falling, or that the door had been flung open. Ed's voice was distant as he murmured at Roy and shouted angrily at the nurse. Hard tile bit at his hands and knees and metal finger rubbed along his spine, gentle circles between his shoulder blades.

Dizzy again, and it was awful and sickening. He wanted to tell Ed that he was okay, he was fine, but the words caught in his throat like a mouth full of glue. The world was fraying around the edges of his vision, gray smudges at the side that began to creep inward. He knew that sensation, and hated it and all the promises it made.

Roy fought against it, but the more he fought, the less he could breathe. Finally giving in, Roy slumped against Ed, hardly hearing the surprised squawk of his name. There were arms firmly around his shoulders, mismatched and sure. Ed's heartbeat hammered in his ear nearly drowning out the rising argument between Ed and the nurse.

"See what you did? If you hadn't been trying to fucking kick me out, he wouldn't have had to come after me," Ed shouted, clutching Roy against him like a rag doll. Roy wanted to tell him to stop and get a hold of himself, but his lips wouldn't quite form the words.

The nurse was quiet for a moment, hesitating as she tried to sort out what to say to Ed. When she spoke, her voice was mostly smooth, "You need to calm down. He's having difficulties breathing, and stressing him out will only make the problem worse. I need you to help me get him back in bed."

For Roy's sake, Ed calmed down almost immediately. It might have been endearing if Roy wasn't dreading what came next. He felt Ed struggle to stand up, refusing to let him go to do so. He was half dragged, half carried, and he would have complained about it if he could have.

Between Ed and the nurse, they managed to get him back into bed. Roy tried to focus on breathing, and hanging onto the last shreds of coherence he had left. Ed was whispering apologies, and very distantly, Roy wondered if he ought to be disappointed that he was too far gone to gloat.

He did manage to open his eye, looking blearily at Ed. It seemed to be entirely the wrong thing to do, because Ed met his gaze with a guilt ridden stare. He didn't move though, lingering at Roy's bedside like he really had nowhere else to go.

Caught up in Ed, Roy simply didn't have the energy to put much thought into anything or anyone else. He noticed the creak of the door in an offhanded way, but Edward didn't look up, and neither did he. Perhaps it was the nurse leaving after all.

Roy closed his eye, vowing that when he was feeling up to talking, they were going to sort this out. He was just beginning to relax when Ed shrieked and jerked to the side, bumping roughly into the bed. "Get the fuck away from me."

There were two orderlies, a great deal less frail looking than the nurse. Somehow they herded Ed away from Roy's bed, cornering him so he couldn't get away. Golden eyes were wide with panic, darting between Roy and the nurse, who was wielding what looked to be a needle. Ed flailed, trying to get away and screaming obscenities as he was well and truly pinned.

He couldn't let them do that, not to Ed whose only crime had been trying to help them both. Roy struggled to push himself to sit up, anything to make them stop. Ed looked well and truly terrified, and Roy meant to tell them to get the needle away from him, that they were making things worse, but the words refused to come.

It was familiar in all the wrong ways, and the thought prickled at the back of his mind, inviting panic he tried to keep tamped down. He gasped for breath he couldn't quite catch, wincing as the nurse stuck her needle into Ed's arm. She wasted no time in injecting whatever was in it.

"No, no, no," Ed cried out. It sounded suspiciously like a sob, and Ed tried to push at the orderlies holding him steady. His movements already were a bit lethargic, the word slurred a little more each time he said it. Roy wasn't certain whether or not he managed to reach out, but the last thing he saw was Ed's head slump forward, and the room went dark.


	6. Chapter 6

Roy wasn't sure exactly how long he was out for in total. He'd been in and out a great deal, lucid and in pain and out again. Demands to know what they'd done with Edward had met with mixed success, but he supposed it was better than nothing.

Eventually, he woke up to stay, in a darkened hospital room, afternoon light filtering in around the edges of the blinds. The chair, the room in general was noticeably empty of Edward. He told himself that he was fine, that Ed was probably just getting some very much needed rest. He didn't need to ask anyone, though, to know that it was nothing more than a shoddy lie he told himself to keep from going mad.

His chest hurt, though it wasn't the same lung crushing sensation he'd dealt with before. It was stinging cuts, and Roy didn't really want to see what they'd done to allow him to breathe. The incisions were carefully wrapped, bound under clean white gauze.

The door opened, and Roy glanced over at it, sighing when the head peeking around it wasn't blond. The man who entered was older, warm and friendly by all appearances. He didn't wait to be invited in, but he smiled at Roy. It was the same sort of smile that Roy offered up when his intentions were less than completely honorable, or perhaps that was only a trick of his stress addled mind.

"General Mustang?" The man asked, as if there were someone else he could possibly be.

"Yes?" Roy watched the man move closer. He was almost certainly a doctor despite the plain, brown pants and shirt he wore.

The doctor stepped to the side of Roy's bed. He was holding a leather bound binder that he flipped through before looking up, smiling that disarming smile again. "I'm Dr. Edgewood. How are you feeling this evening?"

Roy might have answered, if the doctor looming over him hadn't been so unnerving. Instead, he tried to remember where the lever Ed had been messing with before was so that he could sit up without hurting himself. At the very least, he wasn't interested in taking this flat on his back.

"Please don't feel that you have to get up," Dr. Edgewood admonished. Instead, he sat down in Ed's chair, the one beside the bed. It was probably intended to be less obtrusive, but the action only served to remind Roy of Ed's rather conspicuous absence.

Roy gave up on finding the lever on the bed, but he watched the doctor carefully. He was groggy still, and it simply felt safer to trust no one. Any plain clothed doctor was likely to be here to assess his mindset, and he wouldn't put it past Hakuro to do just that in an effort to get rid of him.

Roy's cobbled together thoughts were interrupted by the doctor. "Nurse Clifton tells me you've been asking after Edward."

On some level, Roy knew that the words weren't meant to sting the way they did. There was a familiarity in the way Dr. Edgewood referred to Ed, as if he knew something about him. It was not an intimacy that the doctor had done anything to earn, and Roy couldn't help but point that out with his clipped reply, "Yes. How is Fullmetal?"

"Edward is fine. He's resting." And that was one way to put it, Roy thought darkly. He didn't argue the point, waiting for the doctor to say something that might give away his angle. When Roy remained quiet, the doctor continued. "He needs time to recuperate. You both do."

Roy fought the urge to say something snappish, to remind the doctor that they had both been managing in their own way. It wouldn't do any good, and Roy had no intention of offering up any fodder to the doctor, or potentially Hakuro. Instead, he focused on reining himself in entirely, a tactic that had served him well in the past.

The doctor gave Roy a shrewd look, and he knew he was hopelessly out of practice. He hadn't really bothered since he'd been here because he'd been too hurt, and then too ill, and then he…_trusted_ Ed and it really hadn't mattered. He didn't get the chance to really consider what that meant because the doctor was speaking again, "Actually, I was hoping that you might be able to help us."

"What is it you're asking?" Roy bit out. He had no patience for games and round about requests.

"We're just trying to get complete picture," the doctor explained. Roy took that to mean a great deal more than face value. Shaking his head, he struggled to clear it, on guard for his own sake, but also Ed's.

"Edward is quite devoted," Dr. Edgewood pointed out. He sat back in the chair, Ed's chair, his expression inviting Roy to give something away.

"Fullmetal is a loyal comrade," Roy replied blandly. He hid the harsh set of his jaw behind bandages and sleep mussed hair.

Dr. Edgewood gave Roy a considering look. "According to the nursing staff, he has hardly left your side."

And there was the crux of it. On an academic level, Roy understood that their situation probably appeared to be a bit odd from the outside. He was offended on Ed's behalf, though, because it was just who he was. That Ed's unwavering loyalty was being used against him bristled along Roy's spine in all the wrong ways. "Fullmetal is on leave, as I understand it. What he chooses to do with his time is his decision."

"Of course," the doctor agreed with a nod of his head. "Though, there has been some concern that he is interfering with your treatment plan. He became very agitated when he was asked to leave the room yesterday."

Had it really been a whole day? It had been more than that, really because it had been morning. Roy winced inwardly for Ed, who hadn't had the luxury of being mostly incoherent. He remembered all too well, the hollow, dark feeling that had crawled over him when he'd woken alone. Roy was managing, and maybe he didn't _need_ Ed's constant presence, in a physical sense but he wanted it, and he wished the doctor would leave so he could sort out why. Unwilling to leave any of this particular revelation open to the doctor's eyes, he tried to stop thinking on it. "If his presence here was a problem, I'd have kicked him out myself."

The doctor shook his head, "General, you have a number of deep burns. As I'm sure you know, they are at a risk for infection. The nurse asked Ed to leave because he was discovered in your bed."

The doctor waited for him to respond, and Roy knew he was probably expected to be horrified at the way Ed nuzzled against his side. All he could manage was to miss the warmth of Ed's arm draped awkwardly over him, chasing away the shadows with his very existence. Unable to find a response that would both satisfy the doctor, and do Edward justice, Roy ignored that part. "I'm sure Fullmetal is less of a health risk than where I came here from."

The doctor waited, probably hoping to coax him into elaborating. He really had no interest in rehashing the time he'd spent captive, and eventually the doctor continued, dropping the subject through his silence. "Of course. He became unusually combative, however."

Roy laughed before he could stop himself, and cursed how out of sorts he was. It only served to remind him that this doctor, the staff here in general knew nothing of Ed the way he did. "Edward has always been combative. Just because your nurse didn't know how to handle him doesn't mean it was anything out of the ordinary."

The doctor raised an eyebrow, "You are comfortable with your subordinate assaulting a nurse?"

Roy racked his brain, trying to remember what he'd seen. It was hard to piece together what had happened exactly, when everything had been focused on trying to keep breathing. Still, he wasn't about to just let the accusation go, "I don't remember him ever laying a finger on her."

"After you began to lose consciousness, Edward was even more unwilling to be separated," the doctor explained. Roy remembered Ed bumping into the bed when he'd seen the needle the nurse had, and perhaps he had lashed out. The doctor was continuing, though, and perhaps that in itself was a nonissue. "Once he was, he was found to show signs of dehydration and stress. It really would be best if he were able to rest."

Once Roy might have been irritated at Edward for all this. Now, that aggravation was only directed at the hospital because they really, really just didn't seem to understand at all. The doctor was droning on, fishing for information Roy wasn't willing to give. "We attempted to contact any family members he might have, but the official record only lists yourself as his emergency contact."

Once Al had been restored, Edward had only wanted to keep his brother out of the military's grasp as much as possible. Roy had been a convenient choice, and probably the closest thing Ed had to a friend aside from the Rockbell's. It was more than he was willing to divulge about Ed, and so Roy focused on the more immediate issue. "I imagine that if Fullmetal is upset enough to have to be restrained, he is not resting well."

The doctor raised an eyebrow very slightly, and Roy knew he had him cornered at least for this brief moment, "I never mentioned anything about restraint."

He'd wanted to lash out from the get go, because Edward needed him, and what they'd done wasn't entirely fair. He'd controlled himself thus far, but for the doctor to try to deny it was too, too much. Did they honestly think he didn't _know_ Ed would be right back here if he were physically able to be? Angry and protective, Roy glared at the doctor, "Do you think I haven't kept tabs on the situation? I already spoke to one of the nurses earlier. She at least had the sense to be honest."

The doctor was quick to apologize, though it did nothing to solve the problem. Roy listened to his excuses, only in appearance, "I didn't want to upset you. It wasn't my decision to use physical restraints, and really, I would prefer not to. It's standard procedure though, when a patient has become violent against staff."

Roy didn't bother to point out that if they'd just left Ed alone, he wouldn't have lashed out to begin with. Doctor Edgewood was already trying to be placating once more, though Roy didn't buy it for a moment. "The nursing staff has asked me to review Edward's case so that we can discuss releasing him."

It would probably be best for both of them if he was cooperative, but Roy simply didn't feel like it. He was weary if not actually tired, and he _hurt_, and Ed was really much better company than the doctor. Roy gave him a blank look, not trusting himself to say much of anything.

"The two of you have been through a horrible, transformative experience together," the doctor prodded.

"I'm sure restraining him has done a great deal to help that." Roy growled, unable to stop himself. Over and over, Ed had spent his life drowning in his mistakes. Roy refused to be part of that, not if there was anything he could do to help.

"No one intends to leave him restrained," the doctor tried to assure Roy. "We would have liked to release him into the custody of his family. It would be best for him to recuperate in familiar surroundings."

It was definitely a military thing. Even in his condition, Roy understood that primarily they wanted Ed back in shape enough to be useful. He took his time, trying to decide whether it would be better to let Ed remain where he was, or to involve his brother, obviously against his wishes. No, Ed had been nothing but trustworthy, and he refused to break whatever faith the young man had in him. He'd just have to find another way out. He told himself it had nothing to do with the fact that he really didn't want Ed to be gone, "I believe that if there is anyone he is interested in being released to, he'd be happy to tell you that himself."

The doctor considered Roy carefully. Normally, it wouldn't have been a problem, but Roy could feel his control slipping time and again, and he wasn't used to being on such shaky ground. Agitated as he was, it was hard not to second guess his own judgment, and he honestly wasn't sure what to make of the doctor any more.

"It's not uncommon for soldiers to become unduly preoccupied with the wellbeing of a comrade, but it's not healthy when that preoccupation drives a man to neglect himself," the doctor gently explained. Roy couldn't help the hint of a smile that crept across his lips as he remembered all the times Edward had had to be dragged out of the library to eat or sleep.

"Fullmetal is quite... focused. All he needs is a little bit of prodding now and again," Roy replied, hardly noticing the affection in his words.

"And you have been responsible for him since he was twelve years old?" the doctor queried. It was enough to remind Roy where he was exactly, and he clamped down hard on any personal feelings.

"Fullmetal has been a member of my command since he became a state alchemist," Roy replied carefully.

"At special dispensation from the Fuhrer himself, owing to Edward's age." The doctor nodded, and if Roy hadn't known better, he'd have believed his own slips hadn't been noticed. "And whenever he was injured in the past, he was released to you?"

There was the effort again to get information Roy wasn't willing to divulge. He frowned at the doctor, "Did you have a point to this line of conversation?"

The doctor didn't press the issue, at least not directly. "Some of my colleagues are concerned that your personal relationship with Edward might now interfere with future missions. For his commanding officer to also be his guardian...That could potentially threaten unit cohesion. Edward's unwillingness to separate from you is a troubling sign."

It was hard to decide if he was angrier that they were insinuating Ed couldn't deal with this, or that he didn't have things under control. He settled on both, snapping, "Fullmetal has been part of my command for many years. There has never been a point where it has ever impacted the missions he has been sent on or their success."

Roy closed his eye, swallowing at what he saw. Dust and debris and blood stained automail. Hands that swept his hair away from burned flesh, and chased away nightmares. Eyes that were sometimes so hopeless and lost when Ed thought he wasn't looking. When the doctor didn't say anything, Roy pressed, so very angry for all Ed had lost. "Tell me doctor, have you ever killed someone? Because I really don't think you have any idea what it's like."

"You're right, I don't," the doctor began, but Roy cut him off, desperate to defend Ed.

"Ed...Fullmetal did what he had to, what the situation called for. Now he is paying the price. I would suggest you cut him a little bit of slack." Roy's stomach turned and maybe he did need Ed as much as Ed needed him. The realization only served to agitate him more, because he was struggling to appear more detached than he felt.

"We all want what's best for Ed…and for you ," the doctor said. It was probably meant to be soothing, but he called Ed by that name, and he hadn't the _right_, and it was all Roy could do not to lash out.

"There is a great deal of difference between taking a life in theory and in practice and it's not something you can prepare for. Some measure of discomfort at the situation is probably to be expected," Roy muttered, doing all he could to keep his temper in check.

"And you believe you can guide Edward through this?" the doctor asked, carefully watching Roy.

It was something he could use, and Roy latched onto that line or reasoning for all it was worth. If he could make this appear advantageous from a military perspective, he might just be able to win. "I believe someone who has faced the same issue and gotten past it is a better candidate to help him than someone who doesn't actually know what he's going through. He has been through worse things, and he'll recover, but not surrounded by people he doesn't trust."

The doctor didn't concede quite so easily. "And you feel ready and willing to do that for him right now? Although noble, it's a very stressful position to be in, to be responsible for someone, isn't it?"

"Fullmetal is my responsibility. I will do whatever is required to make him a viable asset once more." It was the last ploy Roy could think of, and though it made him a bit ill to say it, the ends justified the means if it freed Edward.

"Our concern is also for your own recovery," Dr. Edgewood pointed out, though he seemed to at least be considering Roy's point of view.

Roy stuck to that, trying to pass off his need to have Ed near as no more than professional concern for a valuable subordinate. "Telling Fullmetal that he needs to remember to eat and sleep sometimes is hardly anything that will inhibit my own recovery. In fact, I imagine it would be a less stressful setup for everyone than having to badger your poor nurses all the time to check in on him."

"It's also not a requirement at present, if you don't wish it to be," the doctor replied, probably meaning to give Roy an out. He didn't take it.

"I…" Roy paused. He'd almost simply said that he wanted Ed there, and he sighed through his nose at his own near slip. "It's a responsibility I am willing to shoulder."

Finally, it was enough. The doctor nodded his head in agreement. "I would be happy to provisionally release him to you, despite the circumstances, if that is what you wish."

Roy fought the urge to smile, feigning patience as he listened to the doctor continue. "He would have to respect your bandages absolutely. And obey staff instructions for as long as he is visiting. We would also prefer him to respect visiting hours."

Roy considered the conditions, frowning at the requirement that Edward curtail his visits. It was better than nothing, though. He made no promises, sure some way could be found around it. "Something will be arranged."

"Of course," the doctor agreed.

"Are we finished?" Roy asked, anxious to have Ed back.

"Yes sir. Thank you for your assistance." The doctor got up, and let himself out of the room, and finally Roy managed to relax.


	7. Chapter 7

Ed returned, if a bit worse for wear. The door was quietly opened, and Roy watched Ed try to glare at the nurse who escorted him. It was a weary, halfhearted thing that made Roy's gut wrench to watch. Ed didn't look particularly pleased as the nurse admonished him about the rules Dr. Edgewood had set forth, but neither did he argue. Only when she'd finally left did Ed turn to look at Roy.

Ed's expression was haggard, as if he'd not slept at all in the time he'd been gone. The revelation hardly surprised Roy, even if it worried him somewhat. Roy waited for Ed to come closer, to flop down in the chair, but he only hung back by the door.

"What are you doing?" Roy asked, once it became clear Ed didn't actually have any intention of coming closer.

Ed was quiet for a moment. When he finally spoke, the words were bitter and terse. "I'm sorry. I really didn't mean for you to get hurt and…"

"And what? It's not really your fault," Roy replied, unsure what to make of Ed's behavior.

"No, but it _is_. If I'd just listened and hadn't been so difficult," Ed started, but Roy cut him off.

"Then you wouldn't have been being you. Now stop being stupid about it and sit down," he ordered, honestly surprised when Ed did as he was told.

Edward kept a careful distance, even when he drew close enough to sit in the chair. He was cautious of the bed, finding his way into the corner of the chair at its side. Roy sharply watched Edward, trying to sort out what it was that was going on in the young man's head.

"You're very quiet," Roy pointed out because there wasn't much way to go about this. Ed was difficult to read, either sad or angry, and the confusion was unsettling.

"Yeah, so? You need to rest and all that," Ed pointed out.

"It never stopped you before," Roy replied, surprised by the way Ed's expression darkened. He looked away his guilt ridden expression half hidden beneath his bangs.

Roy might have asked what the deal was, but there was a commotion outside, the sound of Dr. Edgewood's voice as he spoke to someone else. "I really don't think that's a wise decision. With all due respect, the Lieutenant General needs time to recuperate. They both do."

"Step aside, Doctor." An officer pushed his way into the hospital room, immediately frowning as his gaze settled on Ed and then Roy. Out of the corner of his eye, Roy caught the way Ed bristled, frowning right back.

"General Harcourt," Roy greeted the officer, trying to sit up. He staunchly ignored the embarrassing way Ed immediately reached out like he might stop him.

"Mustang," the General inclined his head in greeting, immediately continuing, "Forgive the intrusion. I'm sure you understand why this couldn't wait any longer."

"Of course," Roy replied, forcing a confidence he did not feel. He'd known this was coming, but it didn't mean the memories didn't still shake him right down to his bones.

"I will make this brief. We need to know exactly what happened in your… absence," the General inquired. He didn't have to speak the words out loud for Roy to hear the threat couched in them.

Roy sighed through his nose, trying to sort out where to even begin. It was an onslaught of memories he wasn't ready to face. It was a dust covered, blood stained Ed who'd sold his soul to come after him. Doing his best to mask his fear, he replied with only the very faintest of tremors in his voice, "As you well know, I was…captured during a mission. I believe my injuries do well to speak for themselves."

"I'm afraid I'm going to need a more thorough explanation than that." The general waited expectantly, and Roy watched Ed's hands ball up into fists in the corner of his vision. He knew Ed was seeing the same thing he was. Harcourt was enjoying his discomfort, drawing it out.

"You and I both know, the only thing Hakuro cares about is that I didn't tell them anything they could use," Roy grated out.

"And did you?" Harcourt prodded, any trace of sympathy gone from his expression.

"Not a word," Roy replied truthfully. He had the damage to show for his silence, his loyalty coming at a heavy price.

Harcourt regarded Roy callously. He leaned forward a bit, his stance more overtly threatening. His hand dangled dangerously close to Roy's bandaging, "Is that so? It takes quite the soldier to sustain damage like this and not breathe a single _word_, Mustang. Perhaps if you could tell me what happened, exactly."

"I didn't give them any information. Even if I had, I don't think there's anyone left who could use it." Roy immediately regretted his words. Ed visibly flinched, letting out a soft, pained sound that Roy knew had not escaped the General's attention.

Harcourt sneered at Roy's reticence to talk about what had happened. "If you're too weak to even relay a simple series of events, tell me Mustang, how do you plan to regain any sort of control over your team? Are you really fit to eventually return to duty?"

If Roy was willing to tolerate the abuse in defense of his career, Ed was not. Before Roy could stop him, he was out of his chair and in General Harcourt's face. Even standing at his full height, he only came the the General's nose, but he advanced threateningly, and he may as well have been a great deal taller for all the anger he dragged along with him. "If he said he didn't tell them anything, he didn't. Now, leave him the fuck alone."

"Stand down," Harcourt barked, as if he truly thought that Ed of all people would listen to him.

Ed of course did no such thing. He pushed closer, fingers twitching like it was taking every ounce of self control he had not to clap his hands together and force the general from the room. He squared his shoulders, and set his jaw, glaring at Harcourt. His voice was a wicked, threatening growl, "You. Fucking. First."

"You're in a rather precarious position right now, Major. I'm quite certain that assaulting a higher ranking officer will not tip the scales in your favor. What would your adoring public think?" Harcourt taunted.

"I'm sure they'd think a lot better of it than they would of you badgering the soldier you fucking left for dead," Ed shouted. Even his automail shook, and Roy didn't have to see his face to know the expression he'd find. Every limb sang with unspent fury, and he knew if he didn't get Ed under control now, a lot more than his career would be in jeopardy.

"Stop it, Fullmetal," Roy said warningly. Ed spun to face him, his expression every bit as terrible as Roy had imagined. He bared his teeth, his hands poised threateningly, through Roy knew it wasn't directed at him.

Ed opened his mouth to protest, his eyes narrowed angrily. Just as he was about to speak, he seemed to really see Roy for the first time. His shoulders slumped slightly, the only sign he gave that he might be considering obeying the order. He panted through still parted lips, as if he'd just run a mile.

"Stop," Roy repeated, a bit more gently. Ed glanced away, clenching his jaw for a moment, but he nodded his head. It was strange, his one measure of control that the situation had given Roy for all it had taken away, but there wasn't time to dwell on it.

As if sensing the danger to his wellbeing had passed, Harcourt spoke up again. "You should keep a firmer thumb on your soldiers, Mustang."

His resolve bolstered by Ed's rather frightening sense of loyalty, Roy managed to keep his voice level as he bit out, "Was there something else you needed, General?"

"I believe I have what I came for," Harcourt replied coldly. He turned one last considering look on Ed, who lifted his head and glared down his nose at the general. He wisely remained silent though, only standing protectively beside Roy.

"You'll forgive me for not seeing you out," Mustang muttered tersely. He glanced at Ed from the corner of his eye, frowning slightly at the rigid line of his back, his hands still fisted at his side.

"Of course." Harcourt smiled, though there was no trace of anything like warmth in it. He turned his back to Roy, his shoes clacking across the tile as he made his way to the door.

Just when Roy thought he could finally relax, the general paused, his hand on the door handle. "Oh, and Mustang."

"Yes?" Roy replied, carefully masking his irritation.

"Hakuro would like me to pass on that he hopes this…unfortunate situation will not in any way affect your assessment this year." With that he was gone, not even waiting to catch the way Roy nearly choked on his own breath.

Once the general was gone, Roy turned to look at Ed. Blond bangs hung messily in his face as he glared daggers at the door. His entire body quivered with pent up anger. "God damned fucking _bastard_."

"Edward," Roy murmured. Ed turned around at the sound of his voice, and the furious look on his face all but vanished. It was as if all his rage had melted away at Roy's command. He scrubbed a hand over his face, only the familiar, guilt ridden look he often wore remaining.

"Sit down." Roy told himself that he was just trying to get Ed to calm down. He swore to himself it had nothing to do with the heady feeling of being able to control this one small thing. He could pretend for the moment that Ed's unwavering devotion was something other than intoxicating.

Ed did as he was told without question. He slumped heavily in his chair, and as much time as he spent in it, it really was his chair by now. The heels of mismatched hands pressed against his eyes as Ed slumped over, his elbows braced against his knees. "I wanted to… to…if you hadn't stopped me."

Ed didn't finish, but Roy couldn't help but catch his meaning. It was an alarming, exhilarating feeling, being the target of Ed's unfaltering allegiance. What it came down to was that even Ed's rage had been a product of that dedication, every bit as much as the way he simply stopped at Roy's command.

Roy swallowed hard against the guilty realization that on some level he almost wanted to see it play out, to watch Edward take Harcourt to pieces. He had a dangerous creature whose obscenely polar moral compass seemed to be drowning in the face of the leash he held without even meaning to. Ed watched him, obviously waiting for Roy to say something to condone or condemn his actions.

As a commanding officer, Roy knew he should chastise Ed's outburst. Ed had already given so much of himself, though, it didn't seem right. He'd killed to save Roy, and after that everything else seemed to pale in comparison. Ignoring the pain he was still in, Roy's hand seemed to move of its own volition, settling gently in Ed's hair. His voice was soft as he replied, "But you didn't."

Ed looked up, careful not to jostle his hand. He met his gaze with something like awe, as if that alone was enough to lift the awful weight from his shoulders. He took a shivering breath, blessedly still for a moment before he muttered, "You shouldn't do that, remember? I'm contagious or something."

Roy laughed in spite of himself. "Well, if I get sick, I'll be sure and tell the nurse it was my fault this time."

The corners of Ed's lips pulled down and he pulled his head out from under Roy's hand. "I mean it."

"What's the matter?" Roy asked as Ed leaned back into the far corner of his chair.

Ed was quiet for a moment before he answered. He waved his hand vaguely, replying. "I don't need you trying to make me feel better or… or whatever. You're the one who… who… well you've got all this to deal with without me making a mess of everything on top of it. So…"

"So?" Roy asked, waiting for Ed to finish whatever he meant to say.

"So don't. I'm fine," Ed insisted, offering up a too bright smile that suggesting nothing genuine or happy at all.

Roy watched Ed for a moment, mulling over how best to approach this. Bit by bit, Ed's blinding façade of a smile faded until there was no trace of it left. It had been exhilarating, realizing how much of Edward's being he held in his hands. Being unable to help him hit just as hard, if in a different way.

The power to assuage Ed's guilt or shatter him completely lay entirely with Roy, exhilarating to his ego and caustic to his conscience. Roy chose his words carefully, intent on pulling Ed from his broken state, to convince himself that he was doing this for the right reasons. "You were under no obligation to come after me."

"Someone had to," Ed blurted out, eyes widening in horror at his own outburst. He quickly amended, "I didn't really mean that the way it…"

"Stop." Roy took a breath, on last chance to protect his fractured ego. It wasn't about that, though. It was about Ed, who had sold his soul and morals to protect him. It was about Ed who pretended he didn't hurt when he was dying inside, and this was something Roy could do. "You didn't have to, but you _did_. Over and over you could have left, but you didn't."

Ed blinked at Roy, obviously confused. At least he didn't look like he was drowning anymore. He opened his mouth and shut it a few times as if he were considering whether or not to say anything.

"And I sincerely doubt that Harcourt would have left so hastily if not for your… intervention," Roy added wryly.

Ed's cheeks flushed slightly. He inclined his head, mumbling, "Sorry about that."

"You don't need to keep apologizing, Ed." Roy replied, quietly adding, "I appreciate your loyalty."

Ed looked at him with something like awe. If Roy had been considering trying to talk Ed into going back to the life he belonged in, the one that wasn't spent holed up in his hospital room, he couldn't now. It had been far too long since anyone had looked at him like he was something other than broken. If he were honest with himself, it was the fact that Ed leaned so heavily on him that he needed just as much as Ed's presence itself.

"Yeah, well, I appreciate you not kicking me out," Ed murmured awkwardly, admitting in a roundabout fashion that perhaps this wasn't entirely for Roy's benefit alone. It was comforting in its own way to think that perhaps in his own small way, Ed was as selfish as he was.

"If I kicked you out, who would get me out of having to subsist on hospital food?" Roy's lips curled in an amicable smile. He was relieved to find Ed returning it, snorting slightly in amusement.

They talked about nothing, both carefully avoiding anything meaningful enough to be unpleasant. Outside, the sun began to sink. The glow through the curtains was burnished and golden, as brilliant as Ed's eyes. Roy didn't bother to point out the time as the clock wound round to six, seven, and eight. He didn't voice his surprise when the hall lights dimmed, and no nurse came to usher Ed out of the room.

By the time a nurse finally poked her head in, it was nearly eleven and Ed was half asleep in the chair. Roy looked up in time to see her look in and almost reached to shake Ed awake. She shook her head, though, quickly disappearing back into the hall.

It seemed that Harcourt's rather callous behavior earlier had done something to soften Dr. Edgewood's resolve that even Roy could not. The nurse returned a few minutes later, clanging loudly against the door as she maneuvered a second bed into the room. Ed startled back to wakefulness, and Roy watched him glance at the clock and then at the nurse, his expression first sheepish and then confused. He turned his gaze on Roy, looking for some sort of explanation.

"You will, of course, continue to be careful of the General's injuries," was all she said, fixing the barest hint of a smile on Ed. He nodded in reply, either too stunned or too tired to form any sort of verbal reply. She hardly gave him the chance, briskly checking over Roy's bandages before bidding them both goodnight.

Roy watched Ed as he walked over to the cot, scowling at something. He couldn't imagine what, because even a hospital bed _had_ to be better than the chair. Ed fiddled with the railing, eventually just left it up, and glanced over at where Roy was once more before he shoved the bed over, pushing it until it was right beside Roy's.

The bed was on the side Roy couldn't really see without craning his head. It was a bit disconcerting, but Ed was far from silent as he shut out the light and climbed into bed, flopping across the mattress as he tried to get comfortable. Eventually, he seemed to settle, the bed no longer creaking with his constant shifting.

The room was so quiet that for a moment Roy thought Ed had promptly fallen asleep. He turned his head to look, his eye slowly adjusting to the dark. The darkness slowly faded into only near pitch black. It was then that he caught the faint flicker of Ed's eyes looking back at him.

"G'night," Ed said, even his hushed voice booming out in the darkness. He curled in on himself beneath the blankets, and despite the bars partially between them, and the separate bedding, it was almost like sharing bed. A few months before Roy might have balked at the suggestion. Now, he only watched Ed begin to drift to sleep, idly missing the heavy drape of an arm over him.

Ed's fingers crept across the chasm of white that was hospital sheets. Even in the dark, Roy could see them twitch at the edge of his bed, not daring to defy the nurses this time. In the end, they curled around the edge of the mattress, the closest Ed could manage.

Ed's shoulder slumped, and he closed his eyes, oblivious to the fact that Roy was looking at him. The arm trapped beneath him clutched at his pillow, and eventually his breathing evened out. Roy watched Ed sleep for a moment longer before the awkward angle got to be too much.

The darkness was far less friendly without Ed to share it with. Roy closed his eyes, willing himself to slumber. He squirmed in his bed, and it could conceivably have been an accident when his hand found its way to the edge of the mattress. His fingers slid along its edge until they ran into Ed's. It wasn't much, but he certainly wasn't going to reach out and hold Ed's hand. Eventually, though, Roy was lulled to sleep by the soft, even breathing of Ed beside him, and the warm brush of knuckles against the back of his hand.


	8. Chapter 8

In all the commotion, Roy didn't have much time to consider how absolutely boring being bedridden was until day five. Eventually they ran out of doctors and nurses to fight with, and Harcourt seemed to decide that hassling Roy wasn't really worth the trouble. He was better enough that sleeping constantly wasn't nearly so enticing as it had been at first.

Ed at least seemed to understand. He muttered something about not having a decent sparring coupled with what might have been a scathing look at Roy if it hadn't been quite so sleep ruffled and half hidden by a mess of loose hair in his face. Despite his complaining, he eventually crawled out of bed, padding over to the suitcase he'd brought. He shuffled through it, eventually fishing a deck of cards from amidst faded books and rumpled clothes.

Cards lasted all of about twenty minutes. Ed had a string of good luck that lasted a few hands too long. That was about the time when Roy sorted out that he had to be cheating and was decidedly unimpressed.

They tried to work out a crossword, but fared little better. Things were going swimmingly until they were arguing about what exactly the answer was to six across so loudly that the nurse on duty came in and scowled meaningfully at them both. In the end, Ed stomped out of the hospital room, leaving Roy to watch the door slam behind him.

Half an hour later, Roy was starting to worry that Ed was well and truly angry. Not that Ed didn't have a history of stomping off now and again for no reason, but usually he was back by now. It was irritating to find how much he rather liked having Ed around, and in his absence, Roy lay back and tried to pretend he didn't care that the room was eerily silent and he was bored out of his skull.

When the door creaked open, Roy couldn't even be bothered to hide that he was, at the very least, relieved by Ed's return. He smirked at the door, some manner of almost affectionate insult poised on his lips.

"Sir?" The blonde head that peeked around the partially open door was not Ed's.

"Lieutenant?" He supposed it was inevitable that she'd have come eventually, but her presence left him shaken and torn. After everything, a friendly face really _should_ have been more than welcome, but all he could think about was the way her jaw tightened in horror or guilt as she looked him over. He was supposed to want her here, but his stomach clutched threateningly and his tongue caught in his throat and it was all he could do not pull the blanket over his face and hope she'd just disappear.

Roy took a breath, forced himself to think. He didn't want her to see him like this, utterly defenseless and jumping at shadows, and in that moment he was intensely grateful for the heavy bandages that shrouded the true extent of the damage beneath. A nervous glance at the door reminded him that there was no telling when Ed would be coming back, but it shouldn't matter. She was here now and he could do this.

To her credit, as soon as she seemed to surmise that Roy was not actually dying, Riza's expression smoothed out a great deal. It didn't ease Roy's discomfort with her presence, but at least it didn't exacerbate the issue further. She straightened up, any hint of something other than professional carefully pushed away. "I apologize for the delay, General. Harcourt only informed us you were here yesterday."

"Harcourt?" Roy's brow furrowed. He'd thought Ed would have called her. No, he was sure Ed had said he was going to call her. "Didn't Ed call you?"

"Harcourt sent Edward out on assignment nearly two weeks ago," Riza replied. She stood quietly, obviously trying to work out what had happened as much as Roy was.

"Has Edward been here, then? Perhaps his assignment had him closer to you than Central," she asked finally.

"Ed is…" Roy paused, carefully considering his words. Just because he was feeling like cracked porcelain didn't mean he was going to let that on. It was not what she needed from him, and it was more of himself than he was willing to expose under the circumstances. When Riza was still staring at him, waiting for him to finish, he continued, "the reason I'm here."

Riza's eyes widened and she opened her mouth to say something, but it was lost in the sudden swing of the hospital room door. The handle smacked soundly against the wall as Ed lowered his foot to the floor. Roy almost laughed at the way he was peering into the room over the bag his arms were wrapped around.

"Sorry that took so long. The directions the nurse gave me were…" Ed trailed off when his eyes settled on Riza, and Roy thought for a moment he was going to drop the bag he was carrying.

"I thought you were still on assignment," Riza murmured, watching Ed as he kicked the door shut behind him.

"Well yeah, I was," Ed replied, setting down the bag on the bedside table. Perhaps Riza didn't notice the way he stepped back just a bit closer to the bed than was strictly necessary, but Roy did. "And now I'm not."

"Have you reported to Harcourt? I'm sure he'd be interested to know the results of your mission." Roy knew it wasn't what her irritation was really about so much as a legitimate argument she could make that didn't cost her anything to put out in the open. He might have defended Edward, but he honestly didn't know the answer.

"Of course I did," Ed grumbled. "Who do you think okayed me going on leave?"

Well that was new. Roy made a mental note to ask Ed about it later. It wasn't something he could afford to dwell on.

Riza's eyes had narrowed and her lips pursed like she wanted to lash out. Ed faced her unflinchingly, and only spending so much time in close proximity to him clued Roy into the fact that it was all bravado. Mismatched shoulders sagged ever so slightly when Riza finally broke the caustic silence between them.

"Why didn't you tell anyone what you were doing before you left?" she asked, her voice level if only barely.

"I told Harcourt I was just investigating some suspicious activity. Hakuro called off the search, or don't you remember that part? It's not like I could just announce what I was actually trying to do," Ed railed back at her.

"You should have told _us_ at least. What could you possibly think gave you the right to leave everyone in the dark like that?" There might have been more, but she glanced at Roy and cut herself off abruptly.

Ed fidgeted, obviously unhappy about having this conversation. Roy wasn't sure whether it was the subject matter of the audience that was getting to him until Ed's voice came out, a great deal softer than before. "What was I supposed to say? I…I…didn't know what I was going to find, exactly."

Riza looked no less upset and if she noticed how badly Ed's admission had rattled him, she gave it no quarter. "Then you should have called when you got here."

"You have no _idea_ what this week has been like," Ed ground out.

"Of course not. No one even knew either of you were here," Riza replied, giving Ed a pointed look.

"Are you two finished now?" Roy finally barked, tired of the argument. He should be angry at Ed, he supposed, but even if he was it was his situation to deal with. He might have laughed if the whole situation weren't so frustrating because Riza straightened up immediately, and Ed looked like he'd been struck and both of them were utterly silent.

"Look," Roy started once he was sure he had their attention. "If Harcourt is just telling you about this now, it's probably for a reason. By doing exactly what everyone would expect you to do, all you're accomplishing is playing into that and undermining everything we're working for."

He didn't bring up the threat Harcourt had made to his command, but Ed knew, and the expression on Riza's face shifted into something that suggested she'd guessed the same. "I appreciate that you came out here Lieutenant, but you have to go back."

"What about you?" Riza asked, her words carefully guarded.

"I'm hardly in any position to return to Central just yet." It was an excruciating admission to make, but it wasn't as if he was putting to words anything she hadn't unfortunately already seen with her own eyes.

"With all due respect, sir… I really don't think that…" Whatever Riza might have been saying about not wanting to leave Roy here unattended was cut off Ed.

"Harcourt has you guys all under his thumb, right? Well… he doesn't get any say over where I spend my time off… Why don't I stay?" It was almost cute the way Ed put it, like it was some sort of concession for Hawkeye's sake rather than something he'd planned all along.

Riza considered Ed for a moment, though when she spoke again, she was looking at Roy, "Are you certain that's a good idea? It doesn't sound conducive to a very…relaxing atmosphere."

Roy snorted in amusement. The last week had been anything but relaxing, but it didn't mean he didn't still want Ed around for whatever reason. "I think we'll manage."

It took him a moment to realize Ed had echoed his words. Ed immediately clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle the laughter that threatened, glancing at Roy over his thumb. Riza furrowed her eyebrows at the two of them and shook her head. "Well, it's not like you don't have plenty of time built up. You've not taken any since Alphonse recovered his body if I'm not mistaken."

"I didn't see much point," Ed offered, not bothering to expound on what might have caused him to request it now.

Riza stayed, and though it left him reeling in discomfort and sometimes frozen in something like panic, it almost qualified as less than entirely uncomfortable once Ed plopped down on the bed beside him. Riza sat in the chair, and Roy couldn't help the way his mind helpfully filled in that it was Ed's chair, and anyone else just seemed out of place. By the time she left, citing a train she had to catch, the sun was already sinking low in the sky.

"You should have asked me at least," Roy muttered once she'd left. He was no more angry than he had been earlier, but the principle of the thing was worth addressing.

Ed looked askance, but didn't seem terribly apologetic right away. "Why? I figured you probably didn't really want visitors right now. Was I wrong?"

"No, but that isn't the _point_. It wasn't your choice to make, and I don't appreciate you…" he began, scowling when Ed cut in.

"Me what? Giving you plausible deniability?" Ed pointed out. He stretched out across the bed, closing his eyes like the whole conversation bored him.

"No, damn it. Just making a decision like you know what's best for me better than I do," Roy snapped. That was what it came down to, really.

Ed flinched and scrubbed a hand over his face. "I didn't mean it like that."

"Then what did you mean it like?" Roy asked, giving Edward an irritated look.

"You didn't want them here, but you and I _both_ know that if I'd asked you, you would have felt obligated to have me call them." Ed didn't continue, but he didn't need to. That he'd been trying to give Roy what he wanted and shouldering the blame to boot remained unspoken, but it was a hard thing to be very angry about.

"Just…don't do that again." Roy sighed, settling back against the pillows.

Ed rolled onto his side and nodded hastily, his voice hardly above a whisper. "Sorry. I was just…trying to help."

"No, I know." Roy gave Ed a half smile that seemed to do wonders. Ed relaxed beside him, pressing his face against his pillow.

He swore the words came of their own volition more than any conscious intention on his part. Ed had closed his eyes again, and if not for the way Roy had memorized this particular cadence of his breathing, he might have thought the young man was asleep. "Ed?"

Golden eyes snapped open, eerily bright even dimmed by the dusk outside. He responded with a soft hmm, not bothering to sit up.

Roy reached out, glad to find the gesture didn't hurt as badly as it might have a day or two earlier. He wrapped his fingers around Ed's shoulder, squeezing briefly. "Thanks."


	9. Chapter 9

Roy had hoped to avoid this limbo between being too long term for the hospital, and too unwell to just go home. All he really wanted was his own house, his own bed, and a break from nurses and white washed walls. He could manage the little things, eating and bickering with Ed loudly enough to frighten some of the nurses. The activities required to actually function, things like walking across the room on his own, were still mostly beyond him.

It was a week and a half in when they decided he was well enough to move. He could breathe easily enough, and the worst of his burns were finally beginning to heal. He almost laughed at the way Ed pried about where they were going until the nurse apparently mistook his insistence on inane details for a clumsy attempt at flirting. It seemed to work because she blushed and smiled and happily answered all his questions. Ed was painfully oblivious, both to the fact that she lingered longer than was absolutely necessary, and to the fact that she seemed a bit disappointed when he didn't keep talking to her.

"She likes you," Roy pointed out once she'd finally given up and left.

"Eh?" Ed asked, hardly looking up from the book he had decided to preoccupy himself with until they were ready to leave.

"The nurse. The one you were talking to," Roy clarified, shaking his head at Edward.

"What about her? She was doing her job," Ed argued, blinking at Roy in confusion.

"There is doing what is required, and then there is going out of your way because you're trying to get someone's attention." Roy smirked as Ed's perplexed expression slowly bled into something else altogether.

"What's your point?" Ed had put the book down, but didn't seem terribly enthralled by the topic of conversation.

"You've been cooped up here for days. It might do you some good to get out for a while," Roy pressed, though he didn't relish spending the time alone.

"I don't have time for that," Ed grumbled.

"You do realize that you don't actually do anything all day, don't you?" Roy pointed out, ignoring the irritated glare Ed directed at him. "You should go. You might have fun."

"Why would I have fun? I don't even know her," Ed replied, shaking his head like it was the dumbest idea he'd ever heard.

"Well, that is generally the point of going out with someone." Roy sighed, fairly certain he was butting up against a brick wall.

"That's assuming I _want_ to get to know her. I'm fine. I like being here. Well okay, maybe not here specifically, but…oh never mind." Ed realized he was rambling, and scrunched his nose, cutting himself off. It was all Roy could do not to laugh outright, egging the situation on further.

Eventually, they were ready to go, and the subject was forgotten entirely. Ed hovered nervously, glaring at the medical staff like he thought they weren't going to be careful enough or…something. It was sort of endearing, and reminded Roy a bit of the way Ed had hung so protectively around Alphonse for the longest time once he'd gotten his body back.

It was a blessing and a curse the way Ed so adamantly refused to leave. His unquestioning loyalty time and again touched Roy as much as it assuaged his shattered ego. It was intoxicating to have such a dangerous weapon so willingly under his thumb, but as time stretched out it was less and less about power and status quo. He wanted sometimes, to watch Ed tear things apart for his benefit, but that more sinister desire paled in comparison to the rest.

They had been something that perhaps _almost_ qualified as friendly before. Ed had never been warm though, quick to clear up any small kindness on his part with a backhanded insult, carefully keeping the balance between them. He was still snarky and gruff, even as he brought breakfast and opened the curtain, and all the things Roy couldn't quite manage.

It was disconcerting how easily they settled. The dynamic between them was forever changed, and though Roy thought he _should_ be bothered, he wasn't certain that in any sort of actuality he was. They bickered and insulted and sometimes terrified the nurses with their brutal arguments, but the core of it was something altered. Where once Roy could have yelled himself blue in the face and Ed still would have ignored him, he listened now almost unconditionally. More and more often, Roy found himself leaning on Ed after a fashion and his hurt his pride a little bit less each time. It wasn't something he would define as friendship, though maybe it was in their own twisted manner. More than that though, it was a sort of faith they'd found in each other that simply hadn't been there before.

"Hey, there's a desk and stuff so I can work on things without waking you up," Ed's voice interrupted Roy's thoughts, jarring him back to the moment. The trip had been less tumultuous than he'd expected, and he'd been too lost in thought to really notice until they were in the room that was meant to be home for the time being.

It was at least a great deal less stark. Bleached tiles and whitewashed walls had given way to wood floors and soft blue paint. It wasn't home, but at least the whole place didn't look like it was waiting for him to curl up and die. There was something like a living room, bright and cheery with a wide picture window and fluffy couch along the wall. He doubted he'd be spending much time there for a while, but Ed seemed pleased, and for the moment that was enough.

The bedroom was a great deal more comfortable than the place he'd left. Roy was certain he'd never been quite so happy to be in a bed that wasn't his, because even if it reminded him of a hotel bed, at least it wasn't a paper thin mattress and hospital sheets. It was easily wide enough to stretch out in, and a great deal softer than anything he could remember lying on in months.

Despite his excitement about the desk or whatever it was he'd been rambling about, Ed seemed perfectly content to stick around in the bedroom with Roy. It was noticeably lacking the chair Ed had spent so much time in in the hospital. Ed made do by glaring at Roy until he finally scooted over and then flopping down on the bed, his back rested against the headboard.

It was pleasant and easy and becoming wonderfully, painfully ordinary to spend all day talking to Edward. Roy was almost sorry when Ed noticed the time and looked around the room once before frowning and getting up. "It's late. You should get some sleep."

"So should you," Roy pointed out.

Ed nodded his head, shuffling towards the door. He frowned slightly, pausing in the doorway. "Yeah, I probably should. G'night. I…I'll be out on the couch if you need anything."

Roy waved him off, his eye glued to Ed's fingers and he flipped the light switch. He listed to Ed's mismatched steps as he walked through the other room, and the creak of the couch springs as he lay down. Once he'd decided Ed wasn't actually coming back, he tried to relax himself.

Ed wasn't far. He'd seen the distance between the couch and the bedroom, and he probably wouldn't even have to raise his voice to get Ed's attention. Still, it was uncomfortable trying to sleep without Ed right beside him when he'd finally gotten so used to it. Resolutely, Roy forced himself to forget about how much he didn't want to be here by himself and just go to sleep.

_Roy squirmed in his bindings, cold steel chains around his wrists. They were tugged behind his back, lashed to something on the wall behind him. The cloth wrapped around his eyes ensured he could not see, but his shoulders burned at the uncomfortable position, and the utter cold of the stone under his legs seeped through the wool of his uniform trousers. _

"_You make this much harder for yourself than it needs to be. I will figure these out one way or another. Why do you insist on suffering in the process?" There was no face to go with the voice, heavy and Drachman, purred at his ear. _

"_Go to hell," Roy spat, shaking his head in an attempt to loose the blindfold. _

"_I would not be so insolent if I were you." The hand across his face was a shock to Roy's system, too much to compensate before the back of his head hit the wall. He clenched his jaw in an effort to stifle the surprised yelp it elicited. _

"_Last chance, soldier. Now why don't you just cooperate and explain to me how this works?" The voice cut through the heavy, dank air, but not so much as the rasp of ignition cloth against skin. Rough fabric brushed across his cheek, but he refused to so much as flinch, carefully hiding his fear of the inevitable. _

"_No? Suit yourself then." There was a snap and then another and another. Roy braced himself, but nothing happened. _

_He began to relax, a little more with each unsuccessful attempt. Every day they tried this. Every day they failed. Eventually they'd give up and throw him back in his cell again. _

_His ears were dulled to the sound of snapping, and so there was no warning when a spark finally caught. It was no more than a warmth to stave off the chill of the air around him at first, but even before he heard his captor's laughter, he knew better. _

_The one little spark crawled across his uniform jacket, growing as it went. It burned, searing through wool and cotton alike until it danced across his skin. Roy struggled and screamed, unable to free himself from his chains even enough to put out the fire. _

_There were words, something he couldn't make out through the agony. Flames clambered higher, up his chest to the collar of his shirt. They licked at his face and throat, leaving the brand of their presence behind as they singed delicate flesh. He might have sobbed in anguish if he could have brought forth the tears to do so. _

_Roy gasped as icy water was dumped over his head. It left him shaking, burnt and freezing by turns. The weight of the water coupled with the flame's efforts pulled away the blindfold, but it hardly mattered. He could not see, and only the same voice he'd heard every day since he'd been there haunted him. _

"_It did not have to be like this. Perhaps if you had taught me, you would have instructed me also how to put the fire out." _

Roy's eyes snapped open to find someone leaning over him, murmuring words he was too frantic to make out. Blinded by fear, he shoved them away, barely registering the heavy thud as the figure tumbled over the side of the bed. He scrambled to the far end of the mattress until the pain of moving allowed him to go no further.

"Mustang." The name reached his ears, once, twice, but he didn't really hear it. He panted in rasping breaths, staring at the edge of the mattress where his assailant had fallen.

"Roy." Moonlit golden eyes peered at him for a moment over the side of the bed before Ed chanced standing up. "It's just me."

It took a moment for Roy to register what he'd done. He struggled to calm his rapidly hammering heart, reminding himself it had only been a dream and he'd… Roy scrubbed a hand over his face, fighting the urge to curl in on himself. "Fuck, I'm sorry. Are you okay? I'm sorry. I just thought that…that."

"I know. It's okay," Ed replied, saving Roy the humiliation of expounding on the details of why exactly he'd felt the need to shove Ed off the bed like that.

No longer frozen in terror, there was nothing to distract from the searing pain of moving so abruptly. He couldn't help the slight whimper that pried its way from his lips as he struggled to get into a less excruciating position. He clenched his eyes shut, squaring his jaw against the agony of it.

"Hey stop. You're gonna make it worse. Do you need me to get a nurse or something?" Ed asked, looking honestly worried.

"No," Roy growled. Bad enough that he was jumping at shadows and panicking over nothing. He was _not_ explaining this to a nurse.

"Then at least let me help you," Ed's voice was gruff, but only just barely, doing little to mask his concern. He reached out, surprisingly gentle as he helped Roy get into a position that was comfortable and didn't pull on his still healing burns.

Roy settled against the mattress, finally beginning to relax. He watched Ed's silhouette in the dark, not really wanting him to go, but too proud to ask him not to.

Whatever he was thinking about, Ed seemed to finally reach a decision. He mnade a sort of shooing motion Roy could just make out from the glint of automail in the dim light through the curtains. "Scoot over."

"What are you doing?" Roy asked, even as he did his best to comply.

"It's more comfortable than the couch," Ed grumbled. Roy accepted that, even if they both knew better. He said nothing as Ed crawled over to the empty space on the mattress. He curled up on top of the covers, and arm slung carefully across Roy's chest.

"I thought you were contagious or something," Roy teased, desperate to lighten the mood.

"Somehow, I think my germs are less likely to kill you than my being in a bad mood because your couch sucks," Ed replied. He shivered slightly, his arm tightening slightly around Roy.

"You can get under the blankets, you know." It was an odd thing to be offering, but in the history of strange happenings involving Ed, it really wasn't high on the list.

Ed hesitated briefly before crawling under the covers. He pulled the blankets carefully over them both and curled up close, sheltering Roy between himself and the wall. It was strangely easy to relax, closing his eye as Ed shifted beside him.

Roy was almost asleep when he felt it, the brush of Ed's fingertips across his forehead. He was painstakingly careful, pushing Roy's bangs back away from the bandaging over his face. Ed threaded his fingers through Roy's hair, probably mistaking him for being asleep. It wasn't much, a soothing gesture like Ed thought he could maybe chase away the nightmares himself, but it was more intimate than anything Roy had been used to in a long time. He shivered in spite of himself, giving his state of sleep away.

Ed hesitated, frozen with his palm resting against the side of Roy's head. "Are you okay?"

Roy heard the real question couched in Ed's words._ Is_ this _okay?_ It shouldn't be. They were friends…maybe, but they weren't family and he wasn't…anything else that would merit the attention. Even if they were, he didn't need to be coddled, and he certainly didn't need to be pet on. It should have been humiliating and awful, but he'd never known Ed could be so gentle, and it _did_ feel nice.

"I'm fine," Roy murmured finally. It was a concession rather than the insistence it sounded like. Ed hmmed softly beside him, squirming close enough that Roy could feel the warmth of soft, even breaths against his neck. He didn't complain as Ed's fingers threaded comfortingly through his hair once more.

"Why did you do it?" He was sleepy and relaxed and the words seemed to come almost of their own volition.

"Hmm?" Ed asked. It was fair. He could have meant a great many things. He thought perhaps Ed hadn't understood and was just deciding whether or not he was too close to asleep to clarify when Ed spoke again.

"Why wouldn't I have?" he finally replied, his words startlingly close to Roy's ear.

"It's not like it was your job or your obligation or anything." Roy frowned as he realized he was starting to lean into Ed's fingers, and quickly righted his head once more.

"You're an absolute idiot," Ed mumbled, though there was no bite in his words.

Roy was just about to say something to refute that, but Ed didn't give him the chance before barreling on. "It's not about obligation. It was about your _life_. I mean, you're an egotistical bastard and all, but…but you're not so bad. You didn't deserve that and Hakuro didn't even _try_. He called it off after three fucking weeks and I should've kicked his fucking teeth in just for that but…"

Roy wasn't sure what to say to that because thank you didn't seem to even begin to cover what Ed had done. In the end, he was saved the need to say anything. Ed buried his face in the pillow beside Roy's head and muttered a muffled, "Now would you mind being quiet? Some of us want to sleep sometime tonight."


	10. Chapter 10

Roy woke to the soft, even sound of Ed's breathing beside him. Apparently slumber had eliminated any recognition of boundaries or space because Ed's nose was pressed against Roy's cheek, lips to his jaw. Warm, even puffs of air washed over his skin as Ed nuzzled against Roy in his sleep. His automail had wormed it's way beneath the pillows and around Roy's shoulder, and the fingers of Ed's other hand were still tangled in Roy's hair from the night before, resting gently against his scalp.

Roy was warm and still tired and very much in favor of simply going back to sleep. He squirmed under the covers in an attempt to get more comfortable. He was almost sorry when golden eyes snapped open and Ed pulled his head away from Roy's.

"You're still here," Roy murmured sleepily, hoping the lazy, half smile that curled across his lips would be enough to stall Ed for a moment.

"Yeah," Ed replied, his voice thick with sleep or embarrassment as he began to disentangle himself from Roy. "Sorry about that."

"No, it's fine." He was almost, _almost_ sleepy enough to ask Ed to stay put a little longer, if his pride would have let him. He did mutter a soft thank you, almost lost in the scant space between them. Ed waved it off with a vague gesture.

"Sure, whatever. What're friends for?" Ed was no longer curled around Roy, but he remained under the covers, as close as he could manage without touching.

"We're friends?" He felt sorry almost immediately for asking, but something internal couldn't help but balk at giving what was between them that title. He couldn't quite put his finger on what it was that bothered him about it, save for the sense that he was missing something entirely. If Ed was even slightly perturbed, he didn't show it.

"Well fuck, I _hope_ we're friends, or me sleeping in your bed is kinda weird," Ed pointed out, an embarrassed smile etched across his features. Roy only raised an eyebrow at him.

"Okay, it's kinda weird anyway, but whatever. Just let's don't make a habit of it."

It was the last time Roy remembered feeling remotely good for a while. The burns across his chest ran too deep to heal on their own, and the surgeries required hurt almost worse than the injuries themselves. They kept him sedated for a long while after the first one.

They couldn't keep him sleeping forever. The first thing Roy sensed when he awoke was a stabbing pain through his chest. It roiled in his belly, threatening to give up anything he might have eaten recently. The agony tore what he expected to be an anguished scream from his lips, but it caught and rasped in his throat, bubbling forth as a weak, pitiful whimper.

Roy clenched his jaw against the sensation. His first inclination was to look for Ed, but even turning his head a bit pulled viciously at newly grafted skin. He sucked in a harsh breath, squeezing his eye shut in misery.

"Hey, you're awake. How're you holding up?" Roy cautiously opened his eye to find Ed peering down at him, concern tugging at the corners of his mouth. Apparently, 'let's not make a habit of this' had somehow translated into keeping vigil at Roy's side, reading in Roy's bed with his back against the headboard.

"Hurts," Roy slurred, pain and weariness pulling more honesty from him than he'd really intended.

"I'll bet," Ed murmured sympathetically. "Anything I can do?"

"Water?" Roy asked hopefully. His throat felt like sandpaper, parched and rough.

Ed shook his head. "Sorry, the doctor said no. I dunno, he was worried it would make you sick or something."

Roy tried to glare, but judging by Ed's reaction, the gesture was fairly ineffective. Ed was rarely one to follow the rules, and he wasn't sure if he ought to be more flattered or frustrated that the young man was so determined to take care of him.

"Stay here. I'll be right back." Ed slipped off the bed, and Roy might have laughed at the insinuation that he was even capable of moving if he hadn't been so truly miserable. Ed's automail clunked against the wood floor, though Roy wasn't alarmed until he heard the click of the front door and realized he was alone.

It was okay. He was going to be logical about this. Yes, he was stuck here, unable to even turn his head, but he was in a hospital. Even without Ed's steadying presence, he was safe. Somehow, it offered no comfort when the clock on the wall was ticking insistently over the eerie silence Ed's absence produced.

The door creaked open, and it took everything he had not to panic. It was unsetting to be stuck here, unable to see even the bedroom door, let alone the one out in the living room. Anyone could have been coming in and Roy breathed a relieved sigh when Ed's mismatched steps gave him away. Ed sat heavily on the mattress beside him, scooting close enough that Roy could sort of see him without having to turn his head. Roy could just barely make out a cup of something in Ed's hand at the edge of his line of vision.

"What're you doing?" Roy whispered as Ed settled on the bed at his side.

"The doctor said ice was okay," Ed offered by way of reply.

He looked for a moment like he was just going to hand Roy the cup, and seemed a bit uneasy when he realized that wasn't an option. He finally plucked what turned out to be an ice chip from the cup, and hesitated before finally holding it to Roy's lips. It was cold and wet and should have been humiliating, but Roy was too miserable to mind.

Ed kindly didn't comment on the situation. He waited patiently as Roy crunched bits of ice between his teeth, and still cool water trickled down his throat. Metal fingers soothingly pushed his bangs back as Ed offered him another chunk of ice.

It was only when his throat was no longer uncomfortably parched that Roy began to recognize what was going on. Unthinkingly, he lifted a hand to rub over his face. The gesture pulled remorselessly at his most recent injuries and Roy sucked in a sharp, pained gasp through his teeth.

"Hey, don't do that. What do you need?" Ed caught Roy's hand in his. His palm pressed warmly against Roy's knuckles. His fingers threaded between paler ones as he guided Roy's hand to rest across Roy's uninjured waist.

"I can take care of myself," Roy protested, though there was no bite in them. Ed's hand rested over his a few seconds longer than was strictly necessary, but he didn't bother trying to shake it off.

"Uh huh," Ed murmured. He gingerly brushed a hand across Roy's forehead. When Roy didn't bother protesting, it became fingers coming through Roy's hair, rubbing circles across his scalp.

"Sorry," Ed mumbled, drawing his automail away from Roy's hair. "That's probably not very comfortable."

Roy was too exhausted and felt entirely too wretched to even notice the way the corners of his mouth pulled down at the loss of contact. There was some sort of disconnect because he heard the words, but hardly registered that he was the one saying them. "No, it was fine."

Ed's lips quirked in a smile that almost passed as fond. His palm slipped carefully over Roy's hair. "You should probably get some rest."

"All I've been doing is sleeping. Exactly how much rest do you think I need?" Roy grumbled. He had let his eye slip shut under Ed's attention, and it was remarkably difficult to pry it open to glare at his companion.

"You say that like I don't know exactly what you've been through," Ed murmured. His eyes were wide and alert, obviously not tired, but he pulled away just enough to wriggle under the blankets beside Roy.

"I'm fine," Roy protested. He was weary to the bone, but he didn't _want_ to be sleeping.

Ed seemed to be hearing none of it. He curled around Roy, careful to avoid the fresh bandages across the upper part of his chest. His human hand had curled around the side of Roy's and his thumb rubbed soothingly over Roy's knuckles. His breath was soft against Roy's neck and shoulder as he whispered, "I'm sure you are, but just trust me on this, okay? Please?"

Roy hmmed in response. Ed's body was warm against his, and he couldn't quite find the strength to argue anymore. He might have squirmed closer if he wasn't terrified of moving, and he settled for the comfort of Ed's arm slung carefully across his hips.

It was ridiculously easy to fall asleep like this, and Roy wondered offhandedly how exactly he planned to manage when he was well enough to leave. There would be no easy excuses once they went back. It was pointless to worry though, and he felt himself drifting back towards slumber.

He was almost asleep, too much so to do much in the way of response. Ed's grip tightened abruptly, shaking against his waist. Ed pressed his face close enough that his nose pressed against Roy's hair. His voice was scarcely more than a shuddering whisper, and might have been lost had it not been murmured against the shell of Roy's ear. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry I didn't get there sooner."


	11. Chapter 11

Days bled out into weeks and then a month. The surgeries continued, miserable and agonizing as they slowly pieces him back together. He slept more often than not, an escape from the pain that still tugged at his skin, and the depression that begain to seep into the recesses of his mind. If not for Ed's constant presence, he might have succumbed to it entirely.

It took him completely by surprise to realize how much they'd changed. It had been something he tolerated at first, Ed curled stubbornly in the chair beside him out of pity or guilt or whatever had driven his actions. Roy had never really expected Ed to _keep _staying.

From there it had evolved so quietly Roy hadn't even noticed. He'd begun to accept Ed's loyalty as one of the constants he could put any sort of faith in. He trusted almost no one, but Ed had stayed, had lied, had _killed_ in order to protect him and it counted for more than Roy had really intended it to. To not trust Ed entirely felt like belittling the sacrifices made in his behalf.

It was hard to pin down the moment when accepted became wanted. Ed curled around him, solace from the pain he was usually in, and a barrier against the world. There was an intimacy to the way Ed's voice dropped to the faintest of whispers at night in the dark, hushed against Roy's ear like his words were meant for no one else. He refused to categorize the fingers that threaded through his hair less and less awkwardly as familiar for fear of having to sort out what exactly that meant.

But it _was_ intimate, and it _was_ familiar, until waking up to an otherwise empty bed left him far more distraught than whatever was happening between them. He could let how much he was coming to need Ed be background noise so long as Ed was there and didn't make him think about it. Ed was _always_ there and it was a convenient sort of arrangement, until finally he wasn't.

The door creaked open in the other room, stirring Roy from sleep. Roy stiffened tensely but didn't panic at first. Ed would handle it, give him some kind of warning. It was the way things always went.

Only, there was no tell dale dip in the mattress, no heavy clunk of automail against wood flooring. The footsteps moving toward the bedroom were even and unfamiliar and Roy fought the uneasiness that coiled in his chest, ready to spring at a moment's notice. His heart hammered away in his chest and he closed his eye, sucking in a sharp, gasping breath.

"Good morning, General. How are you feeling?" a voice called from the doorway to Roy's room. He reminded himself that Dr. Edgewood was a familiar if not entirely welcome presence, and struggled to calm down.

"Are you alright? You look unwell," the doctor prodded when Roy didn't immediately respond. He stepped closer and Roy couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so blatantly defenseless. There was no chair in the room and he hated the way Dr. Edgewood loomed over him, but if he dared even think about sitting on Ed's spot on the bed, Roy wasn't sure he could be held accountable for the consequences.

"Where's E…Fullmetal?" Roy demanded. The words were half off his lips before he thought and it was only the realization that he _had_ to get himself under control before the doctor caught on that curbed his wording.

"I assure you Edward is fine." Roy scowled dangerously. Last time, 'fine' had translated into sedated and strapped to a hospital bed. Roy was entirely unappeased by the vague reply and narrowed his eye at the doctor.

"I ran into him in the hall and requested that he not return for a while. He seemed rather unhappy, but he was far more cooperative this time," the doctor finally offered. "He may return when we're finished here."

It didn't lift the pressing need Roy had for Ed to be where he could see him. It did serve as a subtle reminder that the doctor was watching his every reaction. He'd handled this before. There was no reason that the time since the doctor's last visit should make him need Ed _more_.

"How are you feeling?" Dr. Edgewood prompted, when Roy didn't ask anything further about Ed.

"If you've looked at my records lately, I imagine you have a fairly accurate picture of how I'm feeling," Roy replied tritely.

Dr. Edgewood gave him a long suffering look, but otherwise seemed unperturbed by Roy's reaction to him. He leaned against the far wall, thankfully offering Roy some space. Roy thought about sitting up, but he hurt far too much. More importantly, Ed would kill him for risking pulling his stitches, or worse, he'd just get that concerned look and hover until Roy felt like a jerk for wanting to be able to face the doctor sitting up.

"I'm told you're making a great deal of progress physically," Dr. Edgewood pointed out. Perhaps it was true, but it didn't feel that way. He was used to being confined to this bed, and when it was just him and Ed he could almost forget sometimes, how awful it was. Now, he only felt trapped and humiliated, subject to the doctor's whims so completely, he cringed inwardly.

"That's what they tell me." It felt nothing like the last time he'd spoken to Dr. Edgewood. He knew he needed to hold himself together, but his words were jerky and stumbling off his tongue before he could quite help himself.

"One of the nurses mentioned you've been having some trouble sleeping. Is that correct?" Some more logical part of him saw the question for what it was, a lead in to something deeper. All he could think about though, was haunting nightmares, and shoving Ed off the bed in terror, and his expression darkened in frustration and shame before he could quite stop it. Everything was just a fraction off kilter, and he couldn't seem to set himself right this time.

"It's perfectly normal, you know. The trouble sleeping and the nightmares both." It was probably meant to be reassuring. Dr. Edgewood's smile was gentle and sympathetic, and it only agitated Roy more.

"What the hell do you know about normal? There's nothing _normal_ about any of this," Roy snapped. He knew he shouldn't let himself get so worked up but he couldn't stop. Unthinkingly, he forced himself to sit up, glaring at the doctor.

"Don't do that. You'll hurt yourself," Dr. Edgewood cautioned. As if at the doctor's command, Roy leaned too far.

Pain rippled through his chest, sharp and brutal. He gasped in pain, finally managing to focus enough to grate out, "If this is so _normal_ what the hell do you want from me?"

Dr. Edgewood didn't answer right away. He had the decency to look truly sorry for what he finally said for all the comfort it offered, "Your subordinate's constant presence isn't healthy for either of you. I understand that it's more comfortable for you, for you both, but neither you or he can heal properly by leaning so fully on the other."

"He'll leave when he wants to. I'm not going to force him," Roy replied irritably. He'd stick to that if it meant not having to admit how terrified he was of being alone.

"Think of your career. Do you really think they'll let you back dependent on your subordinate this way? What happens when you have to send him on a mission, or god forbid, if he gets hurt?" Roy glared darkly, ignoring what was probably genuine concern in the doctor's expression. He knew distantly that the old him would have cared, would be fighting to stand on his own, but now the idea of not having Ed around only made him cringe.

"We'll sort something out," he finally muttered tersely.

"Then think about Edward's wellbeing. What he did is hurting him too, you know. A great deal in fact. He will never be able to recover from that so long as you allow him to focus all his energy on being a crutch for you." The doctor's voice was gentle, but his words were scathing and harsh.

"You don't know Edward at all," Roy hissed, disgusted by the panic beginning to bubble in his chest. "Caring about other people is the way he always operates."

"That may be, but he hardly leaves this room. He's walled himself off from the world every bit as entirely as you have. Surely you don't believe that's good for someone as active and vibrant as he generally is?" Even though he knew there was truth in the doctor's words, Roy sensed somewhat that he was being manipulated. Still… he remembered Ed's refusal to go out with the nurse, and the way he stayed nearly constantly, and couldn't help the doubt that began to take root.

"If him being here is so bad, why haven't you kicked him out yet?" Roy finally demanded, hoping the doctor would give him something he could use to stop this.

"I'm afraid I cannot overturn General Harcourt's decision authorizing Edward to remain here indefinitely. It's been classified as a military matter and only Harcourt and Edward have authorization to cancel that order. I thought perhaps you would rethink this and persuade him to do so." It was something, but it wasn't the something Roy was looking for. He felt his stomach bottom out as he considered the implications. Harcourt _hated_ him, probably despised them both actually, and made no effort to hide the way he wanted Roy to fail, so what on earth had Ed put himself through to secure this kind of clearance?

For just a moment, Roy considered sending Ed home, but even just the thought made his chest clench painfully. He couldn't even get out of bed and Edgewood was asking him to give up the only thing that felt safe? His thoughts were interrupted by the doctor. "I only have your best interest in mind, and Edward's. Please think about this."

It was such an innocent thing to say, but Roy was already distraught and teetering on the last threads of his own control. He snapped angrily, "Best interest? Best interest? When you wanted to get rid of him before, you drugged him and tied him up. I'm _glad_ there's nothing you can do. Now get out of my room."

"That's enough!" The slam of the door handle against the wall visibly startled the doctor, and briefly frightened Roy. Ed stalked down the hall and stood in the doorway of Roy's room, his shoulders shaking with barely contained rage. For a moment, Roy swore his hair was still matted with dirt and blood because his expression was terrifying and utterly cold.

It didn't slip as Ed took a step closer to the doctor. He didn't lift a hand, but he glared dangerously, obviously ready to if he felt it necessary. The doctor, to his credit, seemed to hardly notice Ed's wrath at all. "Please would you mind stepping out into the hall for a moment?"

"No! Haven't you done enough to him already? I'm not going anywhere," Ed hissed. He was unconditionally loyal and putting Roy's wellbeing before his own. He was the kind of soldier commanders dreamed of, and yet, in light of Dr. Edgewood's admonitions, Roy's stomach turned sickeningly.

"You misunderstand, Edward. I wanted to speak with you," the doctor explained. "Privately."

Ed scowled, but very slowly the fury that was making him shiver seemed to subside. He mulled the request over, and finally his shoulders sank in defeat. Ed gave Roy a soft, look, completely incongruous with the way he'd entered the room. "I'll be right back, okay?"

Roy nodded and watched them walk out the door. He was rattled, shaken to the core and unsure how to regain his footing. He had to focus on something, anything, and so he strained to hear was being said.

"I know you think you're helping Edward, but you're going about this the wrong way. You _have_ to give General Mustang some space." Dr. Edgewood's voice was soft and firm, barely audible if Roy strained his ears.

"The fuck are you talking about? Maybe you're not seeing it, but he _is_ getting better," Ed railed back at him.

There was something hushed that Roy couldn't make out before Ed replied, anguished and half begging, "Then he can talk to me. Half of it's my fucking fault anyway. I should have gotten there sooner."

"You cannot be everything to him, Edward. Eventually it will be too much pressure for you. I'm not asking you to abandon him. Just give yourself from breathing room, for both your sakes," Dr. Edgewood implored.

Roy strained to hear, but whatever Ed was saying, his voice was too soft. It wasn't until the doctor said something that apparently upset Ed that Roy heard his Voice rise, shrill and angry. "I'm not _leaving_. Don't' you get it? I can't."

"Of course you can. General Mustang is well taken care of here and you need to recover too," Dr. Edgewood pointed out.

"Harcourt was just going to write him off. You have no idea what it took to convince him I could salvage this. Right now I'm the _only_ shot Roy has to be reinstated, so fucking drop it," Ed shouted, but it wasn't the volume that hit Roy. Before, it had been about status quo. Before it had been about sticking together, but this… He wanted to be angry at Ed for making him some kind of project, for trying to 'fix' him. He couldn't quite manage to be anything but relieved that Ed at least had had enough faith in the possibility of him recovering to go to bat for him. He could only be grateful, grateful and ill that he was putting Ed through so much.

He didn't hear whatever else was said over the din of his own terrible thoughts. He was hurting Ed and it had to stop, only he knew he didn't have the strength to ask Ed to go. All he could do was push and hope Ed finally hated him enough to walk away. Disgusted by his weakness and by the flickering hope that Ed would stay anyway, he closed his eye and leaned back against the headboard.

Ed's return was proceeded by metal knuckles rapping gently on Roy's door. He moved quietly, sitting on the bed like he belonged there. "Sorry about that. I meant to tell you I was going to get a snack, but you looked exhausted. I didn't expect that ass to not let me at least come back and tell you what was going on."

"I should be able to handle an unexpected visitor or two," Roy grumbled bitterly.

"Hey, doctors don't even count. Don't be like that." Ed reached out, laying a hand on Roy's shoulder. Roy wanted the contact, needed it, but he shook Ed's fingers away.

Ed's brows furrowed in confusion but he drew his hand back to his lap. "Are you okay? What's the matter?"

"You should go home. You've got better things to do than this and I'm sure your brother misses you." He hated… _despised_ himself for this.

"Oh not you too. I'm here because I want to be," Ed murmured in reply.

"You're here because you made me your god damned responsibility," Roy hissed. Immediately, he regretted his words. Ed looked as if he'd been struck, and squeezed his eyes shut at Roy's obvious agitation with him.

"It isn't like that," he said softly, "Please, please it isn't like that."

"You don't get anything out of this. Harcourt okayed it because he knew you would fail! It's not worth it when there's no payoff, so just go the hell home." Roy nearly choked on the words, helplessly praying Ed would misconstrue the agony he was in as anger.

"Now just a fucking minute. You do whatever you need to, but _never_ ask me to just give up on you." Ed's face was inches from his, hurt and angry, but he still made no move to leave.

"What is it then? What do you want from me?" Roy asked, revolted by the desperate, pleading tone of his voice.

"Just talk to me already. Tell me what happened. Heck, say whatever you want. Just _talk_ to me," Ed murmured, all the agitation vanishing from his face.

Roy's stomach curdled as he considered his options. He'd kept quiet. He already knew how much Ed hurt on his account, and he hadn't wanted to add to the guilt he was already feeling. Now though, it was his last chance to try and drive Ed away. "What do you want to know?"

Ed never so much as hesitated to consider his own needs, "Everything."

He wouldn't tell Ed all of it of course. Roy didn't want to break him. But maybe he could tell Ed enough, Enough to make Ed hate him as much as he hated himself, enough to make Ed abandon him.

_It started with a few cryptic reports, a missing alchemist, strange activity. It was the sort of thing he would invariably send Ed to take care of, and originally he'd intended to. Only Ed was in the field on something else, and really he was a bit overdue to get out from behind his desk for a breather. If it made him look good in the progress, who was he to complain?_

_The mission worked out to be far less interesting than it had looked on paper. The alchemist might have moved and everything else was easily accounted for save for a few missing supplies. Wrapped up and bored out of his mind, Roy walked to the train station intending to book his trip home. _

_He never made it that far. They were on him with no warning, so silent he never had time to even snap his fingers. There was a rustle in the trees at his side and he turned his head to look. Something blunt and heavy smacked against his temple and the world faded to black all around him._

"Oh god," Ed whispered, his head hanging slightly, his lips turn down a bit.

"What? Roy asked, cringing inwardly as he waited for the reply.

"It should have been me." Ed looked ill, more wracked by guilt than he ever had, and Roy hadn't even begun to tell him the worst parts. Roy wanted to cry, to tell him how grateful he was that it _wasn't_ Ed, but he had to keep going.

_There was a shadow moving in the corner, but Roy couldn't see the face that went with it. The guard painfully yanked his shackled wrists up further behind him, fixing them to a hook on the wall. The angle was awkward and painful, and for a moment that was all Roy could focus on. _

"_It is pointless to try and deny who you are These gave you away more clearly than anything you might wish to say."_

_The man finally stepped from the dark. He was clean cut and slender, his clothing as nondescript as the guard's, and if Roy wasn't being held captive by the man, he might not have looked twice at him. In his outstretched fingers were Roy's gloves, pristine beacons that betrayed any hope he might have of pretending anything. The man tucked them carefully in his breast pocket. "I have an offer for you."_

"_I'm not interested," Roy spat. Whatever they might promise, Hawkeye knew he was supposed to be coming home. She'd notice he was missing and it was only a matter of days before she'd find him._

"_Oh, I think you should be. All we want is one very small favor from you. Then you will be free to go." Even if Roy hadn't heard the lie in the man's words, it was not a compromise anything could make him give in to. _

"_I'm not interested," he repeated stubbornly, sneering at the man._

"_No? I think you might be persuaded to change your mind." The man inclined his head a bit, a cue to the guard who slammed his fist into Roy's gut. Roy gasped and nearly bit his tongue as he clenched his jaw against the pain. _

"_It doesn't _have_ to be this way," the man purred, his voice smooth despite the accent. "We'll make this easy for you if you'll just agree to show us how these work. Is that really such a terrible compromise?"_

"_Go to hell," Roy growled, as much to mask the pain he was in as anything._

"_Too bad for you. He's all yours. Tell me if he happens to change his mind." The man flicked his hand at the guard and turned on his heel, leaving them alone. _

"_You should have done what he said." It was the only warning Roy got as the guard leered at him, drawing back his fist. It struck Roy's jaw as violently as everything else about the man, leaving his head spinning. He wasn't given a chance to regain his bearings before knuckles connected with his face and then his belly, the inertia shoving him back against his sore shoulders. _

Ed reached out, gently tugging Roy against his chest. He knew he should have been pushing Ed away but he was just too weak. Irritated with his utter failure, he gave in, sinking hopelessly against Edward.

He meant to stop there since he obviously wasn't having the intended effect. Once he'd started though, Roy found he couldn't stop. The words came brokenly tumbling out and he shivered as he relived day after day of torment and humiliation.

Again and again they'd threatened and abused in an effort to get him to break. It wasn't until they'd presented him with the alchemist he'd originally been searching for that he very nearly gave. He was supposed to be strong, and in the end he saved no one, not even himself. The consistent failure, the way they forced him to eat and drink like a maimed animal with his hands fixed behind his back, it wore at his very sense of self. It wasn't until they'd finally managed to turn his own weapon on him though, that General Mustang entirely ceased to be.

"_Last chance, soldier. Now why don't you just cooperate and explain to me how this works?" Roy couldn't see the alchemist on account of the blindfold they'd wrapped around his eyes. He was never able to put a face with the harsh, Drachman voice that whispered cruelly at his ear. An ignition cloth clad finger scraped roughly against his cheek, but Roy didn't even flinch any longer. They were idiots and they wouldn't have any better luck this time than they'd had any other day. _

_  
"No? Suit yourself then." There was a snap and then another and another. Roy braced himself briefly out of habit, but nothing happened._

He began to relax, a little more with each unsuccessful attempt. Eventually they'd give up and throw him back in his cell again. It was utterly insulting. They were so ridiculously stupid to spend so long sorting out how to work his gloves, and yet somehow he was still captive, subject to their petty whims.

He was so lost in what was left of his fractured pride that he didn't hear when a spark finally, finally caught. The only warning he had was a soft warmth that crawled across his belly. He couldn't see, but he could feel it flicker over his worn uniform. It was faintly warm at first, but quickly grew hotter until it was flicking cruelly against Roy's skin.

Roy struggled and screamed, unable to free himself from his chains even enough to put out the fire. He was pitifully trapped, only the fact that his arms were yanked behind him offering them any protection as the flames lapped at his belly and then his chest. They crept eagerly along his throat and he howled in agony, trying to flinch away from the searing flickers against his jaw and cheek.  


_  
They were going to leave him to die like this, a victim of his own element. Roy might have sobbed if he'd been able to. As it was, he cried out, writhing helplessly. The flamed bit deeper into his skin and he wished he could just die if it would stop the awful misery he was in. _

_  
Roy gasped as icy water was dumped over his head. It left him shaking, burnt and freezing by turns. The weight of the water coupled with the flame's efforts pulled away the blindfold, but it hardly mattered. He shook violently and only barely registered the sound of footsteps as they left him, bound and half in shock from his injuries. _

His refusal to cooperate had done no good for anyone. Even if he could only see very vaguely the way they used the other alchemist for target practice with _his_ gloves, nothing could block out the man's awful screams. All his sacrifice, all his doing the right thing amounted to exactly nothing.

"Oh Roy, Roy," Ed murmured, his voice choked with tears he wouldn't shed in front of Roy. Roy felt mismatched arms tighten around his shoulders, and was simply too broken to push them away. He pressed his face against Ed's throat, shaking in spite of his best efforts not to, and his eye stung with grief he was trying desperately not to express.

He had tried so very hard to reclaim his life, but it was far beyond him. The nurses pitied him, and the military stepped on him, and even Edward treated him differently now. It was as if there was simply nothing left to salvage, and the realization left Roy hollow and desolate. He might have felt awkward once, to be held onto like this, but it was all he _had_.

"I really don't think…that there's anything left to fix," Roy finally murmured, his voice soft and almost lost between them.

"Shut up," Ed replied shakily. He pulled away enough to look at Roy, his cheeks damp and his eyes still bright. "Don't think like that, okay? You can't just give up."

He couldn't do this. He hurt and he was broken and he couldn't do this. His lips seemed to move of their own accord, heedless of his feelings on the matter. "Then what? What else am I supposed to do?"

Ed probably would have shaken him if he hadn't been so severely damaged. As it was, automail fingers curled around his shoulder. Ed's nose pressed against the top of his head as Ed tugged him close once more. "All you can do is get up and keep going."


	12. Chapter 12

Roy couldn't help but envy the way Edward shifted seamlessly between one dynamic and another. It didn't appear as if anything had overtly changed, and yet the fault lines had shifted right under his feet. Roy struggled to keep up and adapt, but the whole ordeal left him more than a little bit lost.

If Ed noticed what was going on, he hid it well. He stubbornly stuck by his decision to stay, up to and including planting himself quite firmly in Roy's bed. The nurses didn't even look twice anymore when Ed was curled up in the blankets, fingers fisted in the pillows, his nose pressed to Roy's throat.

Roy himself didn't think much of it anymore either. The more he recovered, the less he slept. More and more often he found himself awake with Ed still calmly slumbering beside him. Less and less often he found himself marveling at the way it didn't seem strange, not because it wasn't comfortable, but because it had become too normal to bear considering.

For all his fierce brilliance when he was awake, Ed was an entirely different creature when he slept. His breathing was soft and even, perfectly in tune with the serene expression half hidden by bedding. Golden hair splayed across his shoulders and the pillow in sunlit tendrils that tickled Roy's cheek.

Briefly, Roy thought about waking Ed. It was midmorning by now and surely there was something more interesting to do than sleep like the dead. Roy rolled on his side, satisfied to find it didn't hurt any worse than lying on his back now, and his shoulder didn't complain terribly at the extra weight.

The position dragged him closer to Ed's sleeping form. Unfortunately, it also brought him nearer unruly strands of hair that immediately poked at his jaw. Roy reached to brush them away, intent on pushing them back where they belonged.

His fingers slid smoothly across the pillow towards Ed's face, dragging stray blond hairs along with them. They were easy to nudge into joining the others that made up Ed's bangs, trapped between his cheek and the bedding. Ed never so much as sighed in his sleep, as if Roy's touch hadn't disturbed him at all.

There was no thought, no consideration that led to Roy reaching out. He hardly noticed he was doing it, only that Ed's hair felt like cool, brushed silk between his fingers. Soft tendrils slipped between his knuckles, and Roy only realized he'd chased them when his fingertips grazed Ed's cheekbone.

Ed's skin was smooth and warm beneath the pads of Roy's fingers. The curve of his jaw was softened by the light filtering though the blinds. Like this, Ed almost qualified as pretty. It was a strange thought to be having because he'd never really thought of Ed as anything but Ed.

Roy watched his hand skim Ed's cheek, as if it belonged to someone else. His fingers combed through Ed's bangs, eliciting a soft, pleasant sigh from barely parted lips. Roy considered what he was doing in a detached sort of way. He was too intrigued by the way Ed leaned into the light brush of knuckles along his jaw to appreciate that the touch Ed was responding to was his own.

His fingers traced the line of Ed's chin, pausing at the junction of his jaw and throat. They seemed to continue of their own volition, sweeping across a steady pulse. Ed stirred in his sleep, but did not wake.

Roy's palm fit perfectly, gently cupping the side of Ed's neck. His fingers caught in loose strands of hair as they pressed against the base of Ed's skull. Even dead to the world, Ed was startlingly responsive, tipping his head into the pillows with a soft sigh as Roy's thumb grazed his jaw.

Most of the buttons on the shirt Ed had fallen asleep in had come undone. It happened frequently, and Ed's state of dress was never something Roy gave any thought to anyway. But the way Ed shifted caused the fabric to slip from his shoulder, exposing the bronzed fleshit usually shrouded.

It seemed only natural for his hand to slip from where it rested along the curve of Ed's neck. He traced the silhouette of Ed's shoulder, lingering for a moment. He ought to fix Ed's shirt at least, and even as he reached to do so, Roy was surprised by the disappointment he felt that he couldn't entirely define.

In the end, it wasn't the way Ed moved that brought him to his senses. It was the soft, whimpering sound that bled from his lips, unfocused and suspiciously needy. Ed's eyes flickered a few times, and oh god what was he _doing_? Roy yanked his hand away just as Ed's gaze settled on him.

Ed blinked, looking a bit disoriented. He watched Roy pull his hand back as if not really putting together what it meant. Finally, he pressed his lips together, his expression more focused.

For a moment Roy was certain that Ed was going to ask what he had been doing, but Ed didn't say a word. His lips pulled up into a sleepy, half smile as he pressed is face into the pillows, half of it hidden behind his hand. "Mornin'."

Roy hid his relief in sarcasm. He motioned at the light streaming in through half open blinds. "So I gathered."

Ed scrunched his nose pointedly at Roy. He stretched out on the mattress with a soft, pleased hmm that he'd probably made a hundred times before. Only now Roy _noticed_ it, and something in his chest tightened at the sound.

Abruptly, Ed rolled off the bed, catching himself easily. The collar of his shirt slipped down his arm as he righted himself. Roy watched him shiver and was struck by the urge to tug the fabric back over Ed's shoulder again, to offer back the protection Ed gave him in some small way. He might have done so, if Ed hadn't been just out of reach.

Ed reached to pull the cord for the blinds, lifting them from the window. The light that had trickled in before, flooded now, rolling across the bed and the floor. Ed fairly glowed in it, and Roy shook his head to dislodge the thought as he watched mismatched hands open the window.

Ed stopped for a moment, his nose nearly pressed to the screen like he was desperate for fresh air. The breeze ruffled his hair, and he closed his eyes, drinking it in. It was only reluctantly that he pulled away, turning to face Roy. "It's a nice day."

"Looks like," Roy replied. Save for the trip from the hospital, Roy hadn't been outside since Ed had rescued him. He could get out of bed on his own, with enough time and effort, but it was tiring, and he never really left the room. It felt safer, and if not for the way Ed was becoming visibly restless, he might have been entirely content.

Ed's expression was understanding, almost sympathetic. He fixed the buttons of his shirt and straightened his pants, either unaware of his audience or simply not caring. Threading his fingers briskly through tangled hair, he smiled innocently at Roy, "I'll be right back, okay?"

"Where are you going?" Roy wished he could kick himself. Surely he wasn't so broken that he had to know Ed's every move.

"You'll see." Ed grinned and turned on his heel before Roy had the chance to press. His steps faded as he moved to the other room and there was a shuffling sound that Roy couldn't quite decipher. He might have gone to find out what it was, but by the time he'd decided it was worth the effort to get up, Ed was already gone.

Roy reminded himself that Ed would be back. He always came back, and generally sooner rather than later. The fear wasn't as deafening as it had been even weeks before. Roy was coming to find that the silence was very slowly becoming more lonely than frightening now that he was healed enough not to be entirely helpless.

He half expected Dr. Edgewood to come while Ed was out. The doctor was less adamant about Ed leaving if it meant Roy actually talked to him. Telling Ed the entire truth of what happened had left him shaking and hollow, but there had been catharsis in it as well. It was easier to repeat the bits and pieces the doctor asked about without feeling like his resolve might crumble mid sentence.

There was no telling what exactly Ed was up to, but Roy thought it best to be prepared. Where Ed had once been startlingly protective, he was something else now. The better Roy got, the more Ed pushed, encouraging and teasing by turns until Roy could at least get out of bed on his own.

Roy got dressed while he waited for Ed, hissing at the pull of stitches and bandaging as he reached for the clothes on the bedside table. It was a small thing, and he wondered at how far he must have fallen for a simple thing like being able to get dressed to feel so much more dignified. It took some effort to maneuver the shirt over his shoulders without pulling too much at still healing burns, but he managed. He was just buttoning the last button when Ed returned.

"See, told you I'd be right back." It was as much a greeting as anything else as Ed flung open the door in the little living room. He covered the few feet to Roy's room and poked his head around the door with a broad smile. If he was surprised by Roy's state of dress, he kindly didn't comment on it.

Ed's hair hung carelessly about his shoulders. Roy watched it move as Ed stepped into the room. "Come on."

"Where?" It wasn't that he didn't trust Ed, but he hadn't really left the room. He wasn't sure he trusted the rest of the world, let alone his own ability to make it wherever Ed wanted to take him.

"It isn't far," Ed promised, holding out his human hand. There was something in his expression that made Roy's heart clutch again, and he was helpless but to thread his fingers through Edward's.

Ed was careful, a steady presence at Roy's side. He marveled at the way Ed managed to look for all the world like his sluggish pace had nothing to do with the fact that Roy was having trouble keeping up. He smiled like he hadn't a care in the world, and it was too infectious for Roy not to smile back.

He'd been so focused on putting one foot in front of the other, and on Ed, that Roy was almost surprised to find himself standing in front of the door out to the hall. He froze for a moment, nervous all over again as Ed turned the handle and flung it open. Ed didn't say anything to draw attention to the way Roy faltered, but his fingers tightened reassuringly, and he waited patiently for Roy to decide he could do this.

Roy took a breath and reminded himself that it was just a hallway, and there was nothing dangerous about it. He let Ed guide him out of the room, measuring each step so as to keep his balance. If he focused on where he was, he knew he was going to panic, so Roy did his best to only think about keeping upright.

"You holding up okay?" Ed asked, softly so that only Roy could hear him. He wasn't sure it was true, but he nodded his head. Ed seemed to accept it, even if he scooted a little bit closer to Roy, clinging by general proximity the way Roy couldn't quite allow himself to do.

Ed led him towards an exit that let out into what was probably a courtyard. The doors loomed up ahead, insidious glass and steel, and suddenly Roy wished very acutely that he'd told Ed no. He sucked a breath of air between his lips, a little too fast, betraying the panic that threatened.

"There's no one even out there right now. It'll just be us," Ed soothed. The reminder that Ed knew he could do this remained unspoken, but once again Ed waited for Roy to decide whether or not to bolt.

It was just a door. The area it opened out to was only a broad patch of grass and trees and tables, surrounded entirely by the hospital itself. Why it bothered him so acutely to be in a place he didn't recognize was hard to really pinpoint. His breathing was rapid, and it took everything he had not to flee, but he nodded his head, taking one more step towards the exit.

If he could have gone the rest of the way with his eyes shut tightly, he would have. Roy forced himself to keep going to focus on Ed's hand wrapped around his. Ed was saying something, soft words that Roy was too lost to quite make out, but the sound was soothing and he tried to think about that instead of the way the walls rose up around him and anyone could be on the other side of those windows.

He hardly realized they'd reached their destination until Ed motioned at a chair, already pulled out from the table. He was distraught and utterly exhausted, but Ed only smiled reassuringly. He held on longer than was strictly necessary, finally pulling his hand away from Roy's to sit down.

It wasn't the wind that caressed Roy's face that he noticed. It was the way it ruffled Ed's hair, the way Ed's nose wrinkled as golden strands blew into his eyes. Ed smiled sheepishly from behind the mop of hair and pushed a plate at Roy. Pastries and fruit and Roy couldn't help but think of waking up terrified and deathly ill and realizing Ed of all people had stayed with him and brought breakfast to boot. It was sweet in a roundabout way, and Roy slowly found himself relaxing.

Ed seemed to have forgotten Roy entirely in favor of breakfast. It gave Roy a chance to watch him, completely unnoticed. It wasn't something he'd put much thought into, and it hadn't mattered, but now he wasn't certain what to think.

Ed seemed entirely at home, and Roy only wished he could manage that kind of carelessness and comfort. He looked over the plate Ed had set out, nearly overflowing, as if he'd expected a small army to be joining them. Roy shook his head in amusement, and finally his eye settled on the chess board laid out beside the fruit and pastries. So that had been the rustling around he'd heard before.

"You don't like chess," Roy commented, picking apart an apple pastry.

Ed stared at him around a mouth full of cream cheese and pastry crust, "Says who?"

"You didn't seem to like it very much last time we played." Roy was hardly aware of the way his mouth curved in a lighthearted smile at the way Ed had railed at him the last time they'd gotten the board out.

"I like it fine," Ed argued. His lips turned down slightly and his voice dropped as he added sheepishly, "You just kept beating me."

Ed kept his temper remarkably well, limiting himself to snarky, halfhearted insults when he lost. It was pleasant and comfortable and bit by bit Roy could almost forget he was in a hospital. They could have been anywhere, a park, his own backyard, and they might as well have been doing this for years for all its intimacy. For the first time in a long time, Roy let himself believe there might be a day where he'd finally be well again.


	13. Chapter 13

Despite the doctor's fit about Ed "endangering" Roy's health by dragging him outside, for once, the worst did not happen. If anything, it did a world of good, and it became sort of secret between them, to see how long they could get away with leaving the room without being caught.

It wasn't easy. The unfamiliar territory still made Roy shiver, whether he meant to or not. He still panicked when he reached the exit, though bit by bit the utter terror was fading away.

Things were coming more easily though, both physically and mentally. Roy left the bedroom more often, even if it was only to sit on the couch and play games with Edward, or watch him scribble away at the desk. He could make it outside with only a soft, strangled gasp to his breathing, the rapidly dissipated once he relaxed again.

Ed had a way of being whatever he needed for the moment, either by accident or design. He walked beside Roy with such an easy gait, that Roy could almost believe it wasn't intentionally slow so that he could keep up. He moved closer, his shoulder pressed reassuringly to Roy's seconds before panic set in every time until Roy was certain Ed knew his cues better than he himself did.

The nightmares still came, angry slips of memory that jostled him from sleep with agonized cries and flailing limbs. But Ed knew, iknew/i what had happened, and somehow that eased the pain. Golden eyes, dulled with sleep, and gleaming lazily in the moonlight, would be fixed on him when he finally woke enough to realize he was safe. Warm fingers slipped through his hair, along his shoulders, soothingly tracing his spine as Ed listened to frantic, whispered words.

It was getting more difficult to ignore the inevitable after. It was easy, normal even, for him to wake with his arms full of warm skin and metal, with a blond head tucked under his chin. They clung together, even as they healed, and Roy was at a loss how to explain the precise way it was becoming less about need and more about want. He only knew that when Ed looked at him, less often now were his eyes hollow and haunted. He smiled, smiled and meant it, and something in Roy's chest constricted at the sight.

He'd been terrified, even a month before, of trying to cope on his own. A night without Edward had meant a racing heart as he stared out into the darkness, and nightmares that shoved him out of what little sleep he managed. Both were less frequent now, and all he could think about was how much he'd miss the solid weight of automail curled protectively over his side.

It was inevitable, the fact that eventually they'd have to go home, and learn to live without the other's constant presence. Roy tried not to think about it, as much as he tried to ignore what it all suggested. This ever present need that wasn't, was cloying and inescapable, and Roy took his time with it because he couldn't quite put a definition into words.

Bandages so thick he felt like he was being suffocated had become as commonplace as Edward's weight pressed against his side. On some level he knew they weren't going to be there forever. Still, it came as a surprise when the nurse came in and said she was leaving them off this time.

"Do you want me to go?" Ed's voice was soft, but it cut through the silence so sharply, Roy had no choice but to acknowledge it.

Roy immediately discarded the idea. Ed had seen the worst of the damage, and even if he hadn't, he'd stuck by through everything else over the last couple of months. He shook his head and Edward stayed, scooting off the bed to give the nurse room to work.

They'd come off time after time to be replaced, but he'd never really looked. Roy watched her nimbly pick the tape loose that held them, and something nervous and fretful twisted in his stomach. Always before, the small glimpses he'd caught were "healing". Now, though… now whatever she unraveled was quite likely the rest of his life.

Roy's eye flicked along with the nurse's fingers as she unwound the strips of gauze. Another layer, and another, and by the time she was on the last one, he didn't want to look any longer. Desperate for relief, because he couldn't stand the suspense, Roy tipped his head up, watching Ed and waiting for it to be over.

For the first time he could remember, Ed's face was entirely unreadable. It was blank, free from horror or pity as his mostly healed chest was revealed, inch by gauze covered inch. Roy watched Ed's eyes trail downward, surveying the damage, or perhaps lack thereof. If he hadn't known Edward, wasn't painfully aware that he bled emotion down to his very core, he'd have thought it was simply callous.

The nurse did not wait for Roy to work out whatever might be going through Ed's head. She tugged gently at the strips that angled across his face, pulling them free. With nothing left to hide behind, Roy swallowed and looked at Ed, who was no longer quite so placid.

For a fraction of a second, something like despair washed over Ed's features. He closed his eyes and looked away, and Roy thought perhaps Ed was as disgusted as he'd feared. They opened again almost immediately. There was nothing like repulsion there so much as barely concealed hate. His lips quivered with the inevitable urge to scream, and mismatched hands fisted at his sides.

It told Roy volumes more than he was comfortable knowing. The nurse looked from him to Ed and back again before apparently deciding they no longer needed her help, and quickly heading back out of the room. Roy took a breath and started to look down, but his attention was drawn by Ed's low, furious mutter.

"I wish I hadn't killed him," Ed hissed, his face nearly unrecognizable in its rage. His voice rose steadily as he spat, "I wish I hadn't so… I'd fucking take him iapart/i for this."

"Ed, it's over," Roy replied, shocked that his voice remained at all level. Ed's eyes widened as if stung, and he squeezed his eyes shut, shoulders slumping in defeat.

He needed to know, needed to see what Ed was seeing. Roy left his companion perched awkwardly at the foot of his bed and fled to the bathroom, fighting down the nervousness he felt. The mirror was directly across from the door to the little room, and once he was facing it, there was no turning back.

Ed made no move to stop him, didn't even get up to follow. Roy took a step into the room and flipped the light switch. His eye drew slowly up to the mirror slowly, and he couldn't help the strangled gasp that snuck past frayed nerves and chapped lips.

There were parts of his chest that hadn't been burned, pale swatches of smooth skin couched in all the damage. They were few and far between, just visible enough to stand out sorely. Hospital issue pants rode low on his hips, exposing unmarred skin across the lowest parts of his belly. Above, even now, he was a mess of knotted scar tissue and damaged flesh that reminded him somewhat of flannel, the way it rippled and caught in places.

His throat was strangely close to free from damage, and almost a startling break from all the rest. Carefully gripping the porcelain edges of the sink, he finally looked at his reflection's face. He was fairly certain he was going to be sick.

He'd known from the get go that his eye was a lost cause, most likely damaged beyond repair itself. Still, it made his stomach churn as he inspected the knotted, shiny scar tissue that crept across where it had been, dipping into what might well be an empty socket, and cauterized shut as if nothing had ever existed there. It continued across the side of his face, missing his nose and mouth by less than an inch, and ending just above the curve of his jaw.

It wasn't the damage itself that was killing him. Thanks to Edward, he was alive, and that counted for a great deal. But General Mustang was more than this, and for the first time he completely understood that there would be no reclaiming the man he'd once been. His stomach roiled threateningly at the mess that was left of him and he tightened his fingers around the sink, turning his head from the mirror.

Warm fingers against his spine startled Roy from his thoughts. After months spent swathed in bandages, every touch was acutely felt, and he shivered in spite of himself. He turned his head warily to find Ed watching him, trying valiantly to pretend he wasn't worried. Ed fixed him with a strange, watery sort of smile, never so much as flinching as he looked at Roy.

Roy didn't smile back, couldn't bring himself to be reassuring, or even strong right now. The look he gave Ed was as broken as he felt, a dismal, anguished frown as he tilted his head away from Edward, letting shaggy bangs cover the majority of the damage on his face. The sick feeling rose in his throat, and his words were thick as he bitterly muttered, "I look like… some kind of monster."

Ed said nothing at first. He moved closer, disregarding any ideas Roy might have ever had about personal space. There were hands on his arms and Roy simply hadn't the energy to pull away as he was drawn more fully into the overhead light. Ed's gaze was sharp and focused as he looked Roy over, and as disconcerting as it was, Roy couldn't move under it.

"Roy." The name was soft and lilting on Ed's tongue. He reached out, delicately drawing metal fingers along Roy's ruined cheek, a subtle reminder that he wasn't the only one who'd ever been damaged. The feeling was muted by damaged nerves, but it was still there, and Roy's heart stuttered as Ed gently cupped his jaw, drawing his face so close their noses all but touched.

He might have pulled away. He didn't know what this was, only that it was startling, and he was already so precariously on edge. Ed was closer still, his human hand splayed firmly across Roy's chest. His voice was all but a whisper as he finished, "All I see is you."

He hadn't cried when the whole of what had happened to him finally came tumbling out. By the end, he'd been entirely numb, and Ed was scrubbing furiously at his eyes enough for them both. He'd thought for sure if he could make it through that, he could manage anything.

Now though, Ed's fingers slid along his jaw to card carefully through his hair. He jumped when Ed's human palm skimmed over an undamaged patch of skin on its way around to his side. It continued around to the middle of his back as Ed gruffly tugged him forward. His face found its way to press against Ed's throat, and something in him finally collapsed.

It was a quiet thing, a choked sob he couldn't quite muffle or restrain. Ed had to be feeling awkward he imagined, but his hand only slid soothingly up and down Roy's spine. He offered nothing in the way of words, but metal fingers rested against the back of Roy's head, rubbing painstakingly careful circles against his scalp. Roy thought he should probably be mortified that he was leaving Ed's throat salty and damp, but he couldn't quite bring himself to back away or pull himself together.

He wasn't sure when Ed finally dragged him out of the bathroom. How they made it to the couch was just as much of a mystery. Ed did nothing to draw attention to the situation. He only stayed put, his heartbeat steady and lulling as it pattered against Roy's chest. He could barely feel it, but it was there all the same. Ed's jaw and loose hair shielded his face from the empty room, and finally he felt something like catharsis.


	14. Chapter 14

My apologies to everyone whose reviews I haven't replied to. I just… lost track of who I'd replied to and who I hadn't. Thank you so much to everyone and I'll try to keep up for real this time. ._.

Roy shut off the water, tugging a towel from the rack to wrap up in. On some level it was nice, actually being able to take a shower again, though it didn't make looking in the mirror any easier. He glanced nervously at the sheet of glass he so often avoided, relieved to find it still thickly fogged up with steam.

Roy closed his eye as he toweled off. If he just didn't look, maybe today would hurt a little bit less. Roy stubbornly kept his head held up as he grabbed the little stack of clothing sitting on the lid of the toilet. It wasn't much, but even the thin cotton shirt the hospital gave him covered up the scars that littered his chest. He pulled it over his head, slipping his arms through the sleeves, and relaxing only when the fabric was safely in place.

Already, the steam on the mirror was beginning to clear. Roy looked at it rather than into it, sidestepping the place where its surface was beginning to show clearly. Roy's hand trembled faintly as he reached for the comb.

A sharp curse bled off Roy's lips as he yanked the comb through his hair. He was supposed to be better. He was supposed to be getting ready to leave, to go back to the life he was so detached from, not hiding from his own reflection.

Roy breathed in, let it out through his nose. He flinched as he worked the tangles from his hair, nervously watching the steam clear away from the mirror. It beckoned and teased, offering him snatches of the surface beneath. His silhouette threatened beneath the fog, already poking through in places.

It was too much, and he could feel his stomach bottoming out in response to the reflection he couldn't quite make out. He squeezed his eye shut and dropped the comb in the sink, turning to grab for the door handle. Roy was in such a hurry to escape, he nearly ran into Ed in the process.

There were hands wrapped around his arms, warm and cool through the fabric of his shirt. Brilliant golden eyes were fixed on his face, and even when Roy looked away, Ed's smile caught something in his chest and twisted. "Hey, are you okay? Do you need to sit down or something? You look like you're gonna be sick or something."

"I'm fine," Roy's voice was thin and shaky. He didn't have the heart to protest when, instead of releasing him, Ed led him over to the couch. Roy scrubbed a hand over his face when Ed finally let go. At least if Edward believed he was fatigued, he wouldn't have to explain that he was terrified of his own reflection.

"You don't look fine," Ed chided gently, but he didn't press. Human fingers threaded through Roy's hair, and had he not been so terrified and acutely aware of ieverything/i, he would have mistaken it for no more than a friendly gesture. Blunt nails scratched pleasantly against Roy's scalp as Ed worked the tangles from his hair, forgotten in his hurry to escape the bathroom.

Eventually, almost reluctantly, Ed drew his hand away. His lips quirked into something warm and fond as he flopped down on the couch beside Roy. His eyes flicked over Roy, but he was explaining himself before Roy could even think to shrink back under his gaze. "You're not actually planning on wearing that out of the hospital, are you?"

It was so painfully inormal/i for Ed to be teasing him about something that had nothing to do with how broken he was. Ed grinned and leaned awkwardly over the side of the couch until Roy was sure he was going to go tumbling off. He returned after a moment, shoving a box at Roy.

For just a moment, Roy wasn't really sure what to do with it. The package sat square in his lap, and when he only looked at it, Ed laughed and shook his head. "It works better if you actually open it."

Ed didn't wait for him to comply. He was up and off the couch, almost immediately, promising he wasn't going to be gone for long, just running to get them something to eat. Roy's eyebrows furrowed as he watched Ed act almost as nervous as he felt, glancing at the box in his lap now and again as he tugged on his shoes. Without another word, he was rushing out the door to pick up lunch.

The echo of Ed's footsteps clunking down the hall disappeared long before Roy stopped staring at the door in confusion. He strained to hear, but it seemed that Ed had well and truly left. With a soft sigh, Roy finally turned his attention back to the box in his lap.

Ed brought things back for him all the time, though 'for him' was a rather loose term. Games and books and food kept Ed as preoccupied and away from the hospital cafeteria as it did Roy. This was the first time Ed had brought something that seemed to be specifically intended for Roy.

Shaking himself from his thoughts, Roy finally pulled the lid off the box. His mouth turned in a sort of involuntary smile. The set of clothes he found, nestled in an awkward mess of tissue paper, were a vast improvement over hospital garb. He breathed a relieved sigh that the blue fabric was not one of his uniforms, but rather a warm sweater that was soft under his fingers. Ed had been careful enough to pick something that concealed his injuries well without being terribly awkward or obvious.

Roy lifted the shirt and slacks beneath it out of the box. There were shoes as well, and for some reason that rather surprised Roy. He'd never really thought of Ed as particularly thoughtful, though he supposed it might have been picked up looking after Alphonse.

It was the last thing he found in the box that really gave Roy pause. The hospital had given him something meant to cover the ruined place where his eye had been. It was small and roundish, concealing the cauterized socket. Knotted scar tissue crept out heedlessly from beneath it, and the patch had felt more like an insult than any sort of protection. This, however, was something else. He wasn't sure where Ed had gotten it, or if he'd given up and simply made it himself. It was made of some sort of soft, molded fabric that promised to cover the entirety of Roy's injuries that the sweater could not.

Roy glanced over at the door, half expecting Ed to walk through it. The door didn't move, and eventually Roy decided he probably had a little while before Ed would be back. He gathered up the contents of the box, carefully avoiding going near the bathroom as he took it all into the bedroom.

The bedroom was blessedly free of mirrors. He reminded himself that he could do this if he just…didn't look. With a shuddery breath, he relinquished the hospital shirt, letting it fall to the floor in a whisper of crisp cotton fabric. It had hardly hit the ground before he was yanking the sweater over his head, carefully avoiding looking at the damage he'd never be free of.

The pants were easier, and he made quick work of them. They fit fairly well, snug around this hips, and it was the most like a normal person Roy could remember feeling in ages. He slipped the shoes on with a relieved sigh, and sat heavily at the edge of the mattress.

Roy's fingers trembled slightly as they brushed over the last thing Ed had given him. It wasn't fear so much as…an overwhelming sense of finality. He could have this, but it was the closest thing he would ever attain to what he'd been before.

The patch slipped easily over his head, fitting into place like it was made for him in particular. He traced his fingers around the edges, but there was only smooth, undamaged flesh there. It was comfortable, something he thought he could get used to, and all that was left was to brave looking in the mirror to be sure.

Each step held a sense of finality Roy wasn't sure he was prepared for. He looked longingly at the door out in the living room, wishing Ed would come home. He wasn't sure he could do this by himself, but there was no telling how much longer it would be, and he was more certain he couldn't take the suspense.

Roy's breath was ragged and hoarse as he reached the bathroom. Even in the dark, with only his shadow to greet him, he could see that the fog from his shower had cleared. He stood in the doorway, almost too frozen to move closer.

No. He could do this. Ed hadn't gone to so much trouble so he could hover outside the bathroom, afraid to look at the result. Roy set his jaw and rounded the corner, flipping on the light before he could talk himself out of it.

He almost laughed at himself right then. Even nearly half covered by fabric, at least the face he was looking at was recognizable. Sure enough, it covered every inch of injured flesh. His fear considerably eased, Roy's shoulders sagged and he leaned against the wall, mentally exhausted.

"It is okay? I mean, I figured it's still kind of cold out and…" It took Roy a moment to realize Ed was talking about the sweater. His tongue was thick in his throat as he swallowed. Perhaps it seemed like a small gesture, but Ed had eased a burden he simply hadn't been able to lift on his own. Overwhelmed, he hardly realized what he was doing when he dragged Ed away from the doorway of the bathroom and into his arms.

"Can't…breathe," Ed complained, but his arms wound around Roy anyway. He squirmed until Roy noticed and let up enough for him to turn his head, his cheek pressed against the fabric of Roy's sweater instead of his nose. He relaxed there, making no move to pull away.

A knock at the living room door startled them both. Roy let go of Ed, and Ed shook his head like he was trying to clear it. A nurse's voice called through the door, letting them know Roy's discharge papers were about ready. Roy hardly noticed he was scowling at the interruption until he caught Ed smiling at him, his head cocked to the side.

Ed was still close, and when he tilted his head up to look Roy in the eye, he seemed almost impossibly so. Roy drew in a hitched breath as Ed lifted his hand, gently tracing it over the patch. Roy's mouth didn't seem to want to work enough to ask what he was doing, but eventually Ed's smile widened in some sort of explanation as he gently pulled Roy's bangs from where they'd been caught under the patch.

Ed's hand didn't drop immediately. The pads of his fingers brushed along Roy's jaw, and luminous, golden eyes trapped Roy in their gaze. Roy was sure he was going to suffocate, because the bathroom was gone, faded into nothing. All he could feel was the weight of a human hand on him, and all he could breathe was Edward. He was caught up in the faint tremor of Ed's fingers against his cheek, the way a slip of Ed's tongue darted out to wet his lips. It was strange and familiar, and Roy found himself tipping his head forward ever so slightly.

Abruptly, Ed rocked back on the heels of his feet. He was a little bit breathless, color high in his cheeks. He let his hand fall away with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "I'm going to finish getting our things together. You should see about that paperwork. After all, it'll be good practice."

Roy stared after Ed as he rounded the corner. He traced the curve of Ed's spine, the set of his shoulders, with his eye. Ed disappeared without so much as a glance back, leaving Roy with only the shiny fall of his hair shimmering in the mirror as he moved down the hall.

Finally gathering his wits, Roy flipped off the light and headed for the bedroom. It was the last time he'd see it, and the realization left him oddly melancholy. A few of Ed's things were still scattered across the dresser, a silent declaration that this place was theirs. Roy left them be, anything to prolong the illusion.

Roy's gaze flitted over the bed, still rumpled from sleep. He was going to miss Ed wrapped around him like a housecat, even his automail warm to the touch. He tried to remember the soft, even sound of Ed's breathing as it bled out against the side of his neck. After everything else Ed had given, it would have to be enough.

"You don't have to make it. They're gonna have to change the sheets anyway." Ed was giving him a peculiar look as he circled an arm around the books on the dresser, bringing them toward himself.

Roy shook himself from his thoughts. He managed to force a smile, though Ed obviously wasn't buying it. "Is everything ready? We should probably get moving if we're going to catch the train."

"Actually…" Ed looked distinctly uncomfortable, and squirmed where he stood. He motioned jerkily for Roy to follow him out to the living room, balancing the books in one arm. "There's one other thing." 

Roy followed obediently, watching as Ed craned his head to look around the stack of books he held. They were dropped unceremoniously into his suitcase as he knelt beside it, digging through clothes. Finally, he dug a small box out from the very bottom, hesitating before handing it to Roy.

"Look, don't…don't open it right now, but I just… thought you should have it." The words stumbled out in a jittery mess as Roy eyed the box Ed was holding out. It was small and flat and just a touch longer than his hand, and tied up tightly with twine. He had a very good guess as to what was in it, and even as he reached out to wrap his fingers around it, his stomach lurched threateningly.

It was on the tip of his tongue to thank Edward, but the sentiment seemed woefully inadequate for what he was feeling. He was terrified and grateful, and if Ed even noticed, he hid it well. As if he'd already forgotten what they were talking about, he shut his suitcase and pulled himself to his feet. "I guess that's it, then."

Roy didn't dare look back as he followed Ed out into the hall for the last time. The little box burned in his hand, reason enough to keep moving. Even if he had nothing remotely like faith in himself, Ed did. Unwarranted as it might have been, it still kept Roy moving, and maybe eventually he'd be worthy of whatever it was Ed saw that he didn't.

They paused at the nurses' station, long enough for Roy to sign off on his discharge paperwork. Ed waited patiently, patiently for him anyway. He fidgeted where he stood, obviously more than ready to be going home.

He wasn't really certain how he made it from the hospital to the train station. Ed hovered protectively, distracting with idle conversation. Venturing into such unfamiliar territory was easier than he expected, so long as he focused on Edward.

The station was teeming with people. He could ifeel/i them staring, though not a single one turned to look at him. Only Ed's hand pressed reassuringly against his back kept him going, and Roy clenched his jaw, letting the young man lead him along.

Eventually, they were boarding the train. Roy hesitated, and Ed waited patiently beside him for the crowds to pass. Only when the platform was nearly empty did Ed thread metal fingers through Roy's, leading him carefully to their seats.

It might have been awkward. Ed stayed so close, and some part of Roy kept expecting someone to notice. But then they were sitting, and Ed was muttering something about it being a long trip. Blond hair tickled his nose as Ed stretched out, one leg draped over the front of the seat, the other poking into the aisle.

Ed nuzzled against the front of Roy's sweater, letting his eyes slip shut. Roy wrapped his arms around Edward, only to keep him from rolling over onto the floor of course. He couldn't quite seem to bring himself to mind the familiar weight of Ed's body against his, or the lazy, friendly smile that Ed directed at him.

Roy leaned back in his seat, gently pulling Edward with him. He turned his head until his cheek pressed against the glass, staring at the scenery as it passed. He hadn't seen Central in nearly five months, but finally, he was going home.


	15. Chapter 15

It was sunset by the time they reached Roy's house. The brick building looked ancient and eerie in the waning light. Drawn curtains and the unkept lawn did nothing to add to its appeal. It was nothing he'd spent months imagining, and Roy found himself grimacing as he followed Ed up the path, half drowned out by weeds, to the front door.

He was rather glad for Ed's company right then. Keys had been lost months ago when he'd been certain he wasn't even going to live, let alone see home again. Ed handed off the bag that held the takeout they'd stopped for, and Roy jumped as he clapped his hands together. He was overwhelmed by light and the smell of ozone that invaded the air as Ed touched the door.

"It's okay. I was just unlocking the door," Ed murmured. There was nothing like judgment or derision in his expression as he opened to door to let them inside, for which Roy was more grateful than he could find words for.

"I'm not sure if I should be worried that you're so adept at that," Roy replied blandly. Ed gave him a toothy grin before making his way further into the house, almost as if he belonged there.

Roy didn't bother to stop him. He followed almost serenely as Edward turned on the lights, neglecting to remove his shoes as he tramped into the living room. It might have bothered Roy once, but he couldn't quite bring himself to mind when somehow Ed's presence made it feel more like home.

"You don't have to stay you know." It wasn't something he wanted to be saying, but it needed to be there, out in the open. Roy was fairly certain that Ed would stick around until he explicitly gave him permission to leave. As much as he might appreciate the company, Ed had already sacrificed far too much. He simply couldn't ask any more.

"Yeah…I know." Ed smiled, a sad sort of smile that Roy couldn't quite decipher. Roy left him alone in the living room, if only to hide the way he couldn't stop himself from shrinking away as Ed transmuted the dust off his couch.

The house was exactly as he'd left it, all debris aside. The chairs were all still pushed in at the dining room table where he set down their dinner. He found the dishes still neatly stacked in otherwise empty cabinets. It reminded him of a display in a magazine, pristine and beautiful, and nothing at all like home.

It should have been a sanctuary, but it didn't feel like one any longer. Ed was cluttered, and Roy had gotten used to books stacked in strange places, and clothes strewn across the floor when he was too ill to complain. Ed had apparently wormed his way into every corner of his life, and Roy didn't relish trying to reconcile that with living alone again.

A quick glance through the kitchen cabinets found a familiar bottle. Thank… someone that whiskey did not seem terribly inclined to spoil. Roy poured himself a glass and knocked it back with five months worth of severely needing a drink. It burned as it slid down his throat and he welcomed the sensation, idly wondering how many more it would take to forget the world for a while. He might have poured another, just to find out, had he been alone. With a heavy sigh, he put the bottle away instead, and set the glass in the sink.

They ate dinner in comfortable silence, though Ed didn't seem nearly as thrilled about being home as he'd been back at the hospital. He picked at his food, and Roy watched, trying to sort out if he was genuinely troubled or just wasting time. When Ed finally noticed Roy looking, his lips turned up in a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

Perhaps it was a little of both, because Ed seemed rather intent on dawdling in any way he could. He washed the dishes, grumbling at Roy when he tried to help. He straightened up the rest of the house, or at least got rid of the dust, arguing that it was faster if he did it, and would Roy just sit down and relax already?

By the time he ran out of excuses, Roy's home looked as if he'd never left. He'd need to pick up a few groceries eventually, but the house was warm and comfortable. He staunchly ignored the urge to wall off the empty fireplace, just so he wouldn't have to look at it anymore.

The clock on the wall chimed ten and finally Ed seemed ready to leave. He looked around one last time and smiled at Roy, that sad, nervous smile again. "You gonna be okay?"

"I'll be fine," Roy replied, sincerely hoping he wasn't lying.

Ed shuffled in the doorway for a moment and finally turned around, heading out the door. Roy watched him go, down the walkway and onto the sidewalk, eventually disappearing down the street. He stood at the window long after Ed was gone, denying the fact that this left him well and truly alone.

Roy turned around to face the empty living room. He'd lived here alone for years, and there was no reason on earth why he shouldn't be able to go right back to that. Grabbing the first book he laid his hands on from the bookcase, he made his way to the newly clean couch.

It felt so many levels of wrong. Two pages in, he realized that by now he'd normally have a fire roaring in the fireplace. Even the empty, gaping maw that stared out from the living room wall made him shiver, and he turned his head away, trying to focus on the book.

Five pages in, he started wondering why he couldn't concentrate. He'd read the same sentence half a dozen times and it refused to take hold in his mind enough to move on. Two more tries and he wondered why Ed hadn't interrupted him yet with inane conversation.

Ten pages and an hour later, the house was still deadly quiet. He thought seriously about calling Ed, but really, what was he meant to say? It would only bring him back, and Ed hadn't been home in months, so that wasn't remotely fair.

Another fifteen minutes of struggling to focus and jumping every time the house creaked and settled, and the bottle of whiskey in the kitchen was starting to sound inviting all over again. Roy tried to pretend that he wasn't really thinking about having a drink, but eventually he conceded. He pulled himself up off the couch and headed for the kitchen. Perhaps one more would be enough to lull him to sleep.

One more drink only convinced him that he really, _really_ couldn't cope with this. He felt no better, and didn't even bother arguing with himself as he picked up the book and the bottle and carried them upstairs with him. If he could just fall asleep, things would look better in the morning.

Roy got ready for bed, trying to ignore how big it seemed without someone else sprawled across half of it. He set the whiskey bottle on a bedside table that was entirely too clean, and crawled beneath the cold, crisp sheets. He propped the pillows against the headboard, briefly trying to go back to his book.

The words were a little bit fuzzy, squirming rather unhelpfully under his gaze. Roy scrubbed his hand over his face, blinking in an effort to focus, but it didn't really help. With nothing to distract him, there was really nothing left but to at least try to sleep.

Roy jerked the bottle off the table, throwing back the last of its contents. The bed was too big, and the room was too empty, and the house was too quiet. He felt more off kilter than he had in months, and the alcohol meant to ease his nerves only made the loss more acute.

With an irritated sigh, Roy flipped off the lights, grateful that at least his body felt heavy enough for sleep. He rolled over onto his side, reaching out of habit for Ed's side of the bed, only to find empty mattress and pristine sheets. His tongue was thick in his throat and he blinked furiously in the dark as his eyes adjusted, confirming Ed's absence.

It felt like a lifetime of staring out into a dark, empty bedroom. His thoughts poked at any attempt he made to sleep, alerting him to every sound, reminding him that the phone was just downstairs. He set his jaw, eventually pulling the pillow over his head just to drown out the way he couldn't hear Ed breathing beside him. It was miserable and cold, but eventually he drifted off to a fitful sleep.

Roy dreamt of fire, dangerous and haunting as it always was. He cowered in fear, but it never relented, rending flesh and searing straight down to the bone. He woke up drowning in blankets that wouldn't let go, struggling to break free like his life depended on it.

Startled from sleep, and plagued by the beginnings of a nasty hangover, Roy reached out and squirmed closer to Ed's side of the bed, seeking out the warmth of the younger man's body. He struggled to level out his breathing, hard, but steady through his nose.

It was a moment before he realized there was no metal arm coiled around him. No one was whispering that it was only a dream, it was over, and he was safe. When he opened his eye, all he could see was the bedside table that ought to have been blocked out by Ed's body.

Slowly, something like recognition dawned on Roy. He was home, in his own room, in his own bed. Ed was not likely to be barging in any time soon. Roy squeezed his eye shut as tightly as he could, curling in on himself in the middle of the otherwise empty bed. His arms wrapped around the extra pillow and he pulled it against his chest, burying his face against the edge of it. It was going to be a very long night.


	16. Chapter 16

Rain pattered against the windowpane, a dull and lulling rhythm. It nearly masked the knock at his front door that had jarred Roy from his sleep. He groaned and buried his face in the pillow that was not Ed, hiding from the gray light that filtered through the curtains.

Someone knocked at the door again and Roy scowled, slowly pushing himself to sit up. His head throbbed in complaint as he shuffled out from under the covers. He yanked the blanket around his shoulders and stumbled down the stairs into the foyer.

Roy reached for the doorknob just as something hollow and hard banged against the other side. He opened the door to find Ed, automail still curled in a fist in the air. The rain had matted his bangs flat against his face, but his eyes peeked out between soppy locks of hair. "Hey."

Ed looked every bit as awful as Roy felt. Rain soaked and bedraggled, his hair hung carelessly about his shoulders as if he'd only just rolled out of bed himself. Dark shadows smudged beneath luminous eyes, and the corners of his mouth pulled warily down. Roy hadn't actually expected him at all, let alone so early. "Ed… It's…"

"Two in the afternoon," Ed replied, adjusting the paper bag he held in his grip so that he could see Roy better. Roy scrubbed his eye with the heel of his hand and stepped aside to let Ed in.

"What are you doing here? I thought you'd be… catching up with your brother or something." Roy hoped Ed didn't notice him leaning against the wall as he made his way to the linen closet to fish a towel out for him.

"Well, you know… Al's got some project he's working on and I was just…just in the neighborhood," Ed explained. If Roy lived far from anything that could possibly interest Ed, he didn't point that out. If he knew Ed was lying through his teeth just to protect his battered pride, he didn't complain. Ashamed of his weakness and suffering in silence was still better than being alone.

Roy watched Ed ruffle his hair with the towel, leaving it draped over his head as he kicked off his shoes. He was already carrying the bag he'd brought with him to the kitchen when Roy finally spoke up, "Planning on staying a while, then?"

"There wasn't much else to do," Ed set the bag down and went about putting away groceries, and if they weren't where Roy would have put them, he didn't say anything about that either.

"I'm fine, you know." Roy stood beside Ed and reached to at least help put things away. Ed gave him a sharp look and he shook his head, amused by the way Ed seemed determined to take over his house by his mere presence.

"Yeah, I know. That's not why I stopped by." Ed looked around, his eyes settling on the empty teapot on the stove. He quickly filled it and turned on the burner, and turned to face Roy. The way he leaned his elbows bent behind him to rest on the counter, Roy would have sworn he belonged there.

And so it went, back and forth. They conversed through the truths between their lies that neither was willing to confront. Ed fished through the cabinets until he found the coffee mugs, just a little too high. Instead of asking for help, he hauled himself up on his tiptoes, just barely catching the handles of the two closest the edge of the shelf.

The kettle whistled away on top of the stove, and Ed very nearly dropped the mugs entirely. They clattered loudly on the counter, not breaking by some miracle. He glowered at them from beneath the towel that had fallen mostly into his face.

Roy wasn't entirely certain how he managed not to spill boiling water across the counter when he was aiming for the mugs. Somehow, he didn't, and after a moment Ed returned to the table, one in each hand. He set them down and flopped down in a chair, flinging the towel over the back of it.

Roy had never really been much of a tea person. Coffee suited him more, but he couldn't quite bring himself to look away from Ed long enough to make some. In any case, after the night he'd had, he was just glad for the company. The afternoon was dreary and oppressively lonesome, shrouding the kitchen in muted light that felt like it was seeping into his veins. Dismal as it was, Ed went on as if he were entirely untouched, the sound of his voice slowly driving back the melancholy.

They sat in the kitchen, and talked about nothing, as if everything was the same as it had been for the last few months. Roy leaned back in his chair, fingers steepled together as he listened. Ed went on about Al's new kitten that wouldn't leave him alone, and what color they were going to paint the living room.

"So I was thinking." It was a phrase that made Roy cringe a little bit because it probably meant Ed was about to say something serious. His head was still throbbing, and not being terribly cooperative about any sort of deep thinking.

"About?" Roy heard himself ask. Before he could amend the question and ask if he might take a nap first, Ed had already barreled onward.

"I know you don't go back to work until Monday and all, but… Harcourt is already talking about scheduling your assessment." Ed paused to chew on his lip, waiting for Roy to say something. In five months, it was the first time he'd ever directly brought the situation up.

"Are you surprised?" Roy managed something like a wry smile he didn't really feel. Until now he'd been able to avoid anything like reality, but there was nowhere to run from here.

"Of course not. Harcourt's a bastard, way more than you _ever_ were," Ed muttered teasingly. He took a sip of his tea, setting the mug down with a heavy clank against the table. "I just thought we should maybe get on that so…"

Ed never finished, though his meaning hung between them. The possibility that there was a deadline to getting his life in order was like a kick to the gut, and it was hard not to lash out at Ed for bringing it to his attention. "What are you suggesting, Ed?"

"Nothing big. I just thought that… I dunno, Al's busy with school, and I've had about all the being cooped up I can handle, and… I thought maybe you'd spar with me or something." The words tumbled over each other in their hurry to get out. Ed was so flushed with embarrassment that if Roy hadn't heard what was actually being said, he'd have thought he was being asked out on a date or something. Still, he had no idea how he'd react, and he faltered, worried he might hurt Ed.

"Ed… It's raining." Such a flimsy excuse, but it was all that he had with so little warning.

"You idiot. I didn't mean right _now_. You're only going into work in the mornings, right? I'll just… come over in the afternoon." Ed watched Roy anxiously, his head tilted off to the side.

Roy sighed through his nose, pinching the bridge of it. He couldn't deny that Ed had a point. More than anything, he wanted to go back to bed and forget Ed had said anything at all. Maybe forget about going back to work while he was at it. In the end though, Ed had sacrificed _so_ much to give him this opportunity. He couldn't stomach the idea of failing the only person he could trust.

"Okay," he conceded, though the word caught in his throat like a thick wad of cotton. Ed leaned over enough to rest a hand on his shoulder, silently offering what consolation he could.

"I'm not asking you to use alchemy or anything," Ed murmured reassuringly, frowning when Roy shuddered at the suggestion. "It'll just be me. Promise."

"I already said okay," Roy pointed out. His voice only grew more strained as he admitted, "It's fine…I…I trust you."

Ed's lips tilted in a mischievous, hopeful smile. His fingers tightened around Roy's shoulder until Roy leaned closer, near enough to pick out the burnished speckles in Edward's eyes. "Harcourt will never know what hit him."

He wished he had Ed's faith in the situation. Mostly he felt like his stomach was bottoming out, his doubts making wicked promises of how badly he'd fail. He did trust Ed though, and Ed hadn't led him wrong yet.

He hadn't really expected Ed to stay despite the weather that refused to let up. The sky only grew darker, and the rain poured down in sheets so thick he couldn't quite make out the street. Roy was rather glad for Ed's company about then.

Eventually, they moved into the living room, and Roy watched Ed curl up at the end of the old gray couch like he was a permanent fixture there. He challenged Roy to a game of chess, and really he was getting to be surprisingly good at this. The game ended in a draw, but Ed was smiling so hard you'd think he'd finally won one.

They wiled away the afternoon with games and easy conversation. Nothing had changed between them except the locale. The realization that perhaps he hadn't lost anything after all put Roy more at ease than he'd been the day before.

He thought Ed would have left by now. The gray light outside dissolved into night, black and violent. Ed was still there, back in his kitchen and digging through the pots and pans in his kitchen like they'd been doing this for years.

Edward was such an entirely comfortable presence that it never really occurred to Roy to be protective of his home. They finished dinner and sat in the study, and even amidst a room full of coded notes and personal belongings, it didn't seem wrong for Ed to be there. Roy only smiled when Ed discovered shelves of books he actually hadn't read, and only gave a cursory, hopeful glance before pulling a few from the bookcase.

It was nearly midnight when Roy realized that Ed was half asleep against his shoulder. A faded book was draped across Ed's face, only his bangs poking out from the worn leather binding. Roy shifted carefully where he sat, but Ed just scowled at losing his pillow and squirmed closer.

"I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted," Ed finally muttered, rubbing his eyes and sitting up. Roy held his breath as Ed set down the book, hoping this wasn't the part where he was planning to leave again.

"It's late. You're welcome to stay if you'd like," Roy offered. It was silly to be so worried, but Roy found himself waiting with baited breath, hoping Ed would say yes. His shoulders sagged in relief when Ed's lips wound in a lazy smile.

"Thanks," Ed agreed immediately, his relaxing in weariness or relief.

He started out on the couch. It felt wrong and awkward, but Roy brought him a pillow and blanket anyway. Ed dawdled and shifted back and forth on his feet, but he didn't argue, and eventually flopped down on the couch.

It was hard to leave him there, almost more difficult than it had been to watch him leave the day before. He _knew_ that all it would take was one word and Ed would be following him up the stairs. As much as he wanted to though, Roy just couldn't bring himself to take advantage.

A half dozen times as he brushed his teeth and climbed into bed, Roy thought about how off everything felt. He turned out the lights and scooted over to the side of the bed with the wall at his back. For a long time, he simply stared out into the empty darkness.

He was just beginning to fall asleep when he heard the creak of the stairs out in the hall. He tensed out of habit until he recognized the heavy clank of a bare automail foot against the hard wood. Roy relaxed beneath the covers, listening to Edward's mismatched steps as they grew louder, a hint of a smile creeping across his lips.

"Roy?" Ed whispered his name, blond head poking through the open doorway. Roy was certain there was some sort of flimsy excuse poised on his lips, that it was cold downstairs, that the couch was uncomfortable. He waved Ed over because he really wanted Ed's company more than the lies he allowed to accompany it.

Ed crawled beneath the covers, snuggling up beside Roy as if he'd always belonged there. He couldn't see Ed in the dark, but everything else was utterly magnified. The weight of Ed's arm draped over his side, the soft, warm breaths that blew out across his neck were as welcome as they were familiar, reminders that he wasn't alone.

It was only as his vision adjusted to the dark that Roy noticed Ed watching him. His gaze was searching, though Roy couldn't quite sort out what he was looking for. All he knew was that in the lightning that flashed through the curtains now and again, Ed was completely _breathtaking_.

"I…" Roy's breath caught in his throat as Ed moved closer. It was an innocent gesture, probably only meant to hear what Roy was saying over the incessant roll of thunder. Ed's hair grazed Roy's jaw, though, and he was near enough as he leaned closer, that his lips almost skimmed Roy's ear.

Ed paused there, and Roy shivered at the way he could have tilted his head and scraped his teeth along Ed's pulse if he really wanted to. The world was frozen around the two of them, and Roy swore Ed's fingers had tightened against his back. Whatever he'd been saying was lost in the current, and all Roy could manage was to notice how his heart was threatening to hammer its way out of his chest.

"Last night…" It took a moment for Roy to realize that Ed was whispering at him. His voice was hushed, nearly drowned out by the rain, but Roy strained to hear him. It was the times like these, shrouded by darkness and safe in the warmth of blankets and tangled limbs, that they allowed themselves the greatest honesty.

"Last night was really awful… I…Could we just, just not make a habit of that?" Roy couldn't see Ed's face, but he had caved where Roy couldn't and it meant something profound.

"No. Stay as long as you want," Roy murmured. He couldn't admit how much he needed it, in so many words, but he pressed his face into Ed's hair, and wrapped his arms around the slender body beside him. Ed seemed to understand at least. He always did when it mattered.

Ed rolled over in Roy's arms, facing out into the empty room that had terrified Roy the night before. His back was pressed to Roy's chest as he relaxed amidst pillows and blankets. Roy wasn't certain how they were going to manage this, but nothing ever felt as right as sleeping with Ed in his reach. His body fit easily against Ed's, warm and comfortable, even as he wormed an arm between Ed and the mattress. The other draped over Ed's side until his hands were pressed against the flat of Ed's stomach. Roy tipped his head forward, his nose pressing into the thick fall of hair at the base of Ed's skull.

He could feel the steady rise and fall of Ed's breathing under his fingers. For the briefest of moments, Roy's mind strayed, wondering what it would feel like without the barrier of Ed's shirt, all smooth skin and taut muscle. It was more innocent by far than many of the thoughts that had crossed his mind about the women he'd dated. Still, those women were not _Edward_. They hadn't sacrificed their own moral boundaries to save his life. They hadn't given months away just because he was afraid. They didn't leave him utterly entranced by their every expression.

Roy clamped down immediately on that train of thought. His body tensed as he tried to deny what was happening. He thought he had hidden his reaction well, but it was enough for Ed to notice, because he ran his human hand gently over one of Roy's, threading their fingers together. "Roy. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Roy muttered, hoping Ed wouldn't catch the blatant falsehood. Ed hmmed, and for just a second, Roy was sure he was going to press the issue. Thankfully, something changed his mind.

Ed's fingers tightened in their grip on Roy's hand. If he noticed the way Roy trembled as he wriggled closer, he didn't point it out. He only made a soft, soothing sound at the back of his throat, pulling Roy's arms tightly around him. "Goodnight."

In spite of his nerves, Roy couldn't, couldn't pull away. He smiled crookedly against Ed's neck, allowing himself to enjoy this one thing. His voice was heavy with confessions he couldn't make, but he only offered a muffled, "Goodnight Ed."


	17. Chapter 17

The weekend was over far sooner than Roy would have liked. Ed had lured him out of the house a few times, first to sit on the porch and watch the rain, and then for a walk when the sun finally deigned to make an appearance. Largely, though, he stayed inside because everything else still made him nervous. Going back to work promised to be nothing short of nerve wracking.

It had been months since he'd woken to the cacophony of the alarm clock blaring in his ear hours too early. It shoved its way into an otherwise peaceful slumber. Roy sat up abruptly, startled until he sorted out what the sound was.

With an aggravated scowl, Roy slammed his hand down on the alarm clock, silencing it with a satisfying thud. Only when the alarm was no longer distracting him did Roy realize he hadn't had to reach over Ed to turn it off. He looked around, brows furrowing in concern when he found the room empty.

Before he could get up to go look for Edward, the door swung open. Ed sauntered in, his hands ruffling a towel through his shower damp hair. The sun through the curtains glinted off his automail, drawing Roy's attention before he could quite help himself. Metal gave way to taut muscle, and the faint memories of scars that littered his chest and belly did nothing to detract from the way he looked. Roy's eye flicked down, taking in the slight taper of Ed's stomach, partially shrouded by silver and blue.

"What?" Ed gave him a peculiar look and Roy cursed himself for staring. He could feel the color rise in his cheeks, and oh god Ed was going to _kill_ him for this. Ed accepted a lot of off kilter things from Roy, but… He was just about to plunge in and apologize when Ed spoke up, offering a sheepish smile. "I didn't want Harcourt to have anything to bitch about."

Roy blinked dumbly, not understanding right away. Then it dawned on him. The pants. Ed thought _that_ was why he was staring. He tried to cover his nerves, teasing, "I'm shocked you found a uniform in your size."

Ed's nose scrunched, though it was almost more cute than intimidating. It was the closest Ed really came to the outbursts Roy had long associated with him. He couldn't remember when they'd started to taper off. In the time he'd spent with Ed though, they'd disappeared almost completely.

"You're lucky I like you," Ed grumbled goodnaturedly, pulling the rest of his uniform from Roy's closet. He'd brought a few things, and Roy tried not to think about the finality of Ed's clothes strewn carelessly across his bedroom floor and Ed's toothbrush on the bathroom sink.

Roy was both disappointed and relieved when Ed put a shirt on. He was not, was _not_ tracing Ed's frame through the white cotton of his button down. Shaking his head, he forced himself to look away and climbed out of bed.

Taking a shower offered exactly the respite he needed. He focused on avoiding his own reflection, because he certainly didn't need _that_ this morning on top of everything else. It left him little time to think about whatever was happening to him in regards to Edward.

There was a logical explanation of course. Ed had grown into an attractive young man, a fact he would have to be blind not to see. He was already such a constant, intimate part of Roy's life, they shared a _bed_ even, so of course something like this had happened. It smacked of dishonesty, even in his head, which gleefully pointed out that if Armstrong had spent months cuddling with him at night, it would not make him wonder what his skin tasted like.

Roy turned off the shower, scowling at the water as it ran down the drain. All thoughts of kissing Edward were pushed aside with the shower curtain. Roy hastily toweled off, bracing himself as he pulled on his uniform.

He'd become rather adept at combing his hair and sliding the patch Ed had given him in place. It was a small kindness at least, that he didn't have to look at the damage he was going to be carrying around with him all day. The steam was beginning to clear in earnest as he fished his bangs out from beneath the tie, and the expression that met his gaze was somber.

Roy swallowed hard and sucked in a breath, steeling himself for going downstairs. It felt like a point of no return, some line in the sand he was being shoved over. He hadn't worn this uniform. It belonged to a man who no longer existed, who had died months ago in a dank prison cell. The medals and wool only felt heavy and foreign.

"I thought you'd fallen in or something." Ed smiled in greeting as Roy stepped into the kitchen. His ponytail bobbed high at the back of his head. Occasionally, tendrils of gold brushed across the shoulder of Ed's uniform. Ed cut a rather striking figure, even shrouded in deep blue wool.

"I almost didn't recognize you. You look remarkably put together." The insult was automatic, as if the uniform he was wearing attempted to manufacture a friction long since gone.

Ed hmphed at him, setting down a plate of eggs and toast. He pushed a cup of coffee at Roy and sat down in the other empty chair at the table. "Eat. We're going to be late."

Roy couldn't help it. He laughed, though the sound was strained and bedraggled. Something about being herded around by Ed of all people struck him as utterly ludicrous.

Eventually, he did manage to comply. He reached for his fork, and it had been so long since he'd put on a uniform, but the image he had of another existence persisted. It was jarring to watch the cuff of his uniform jacket end in bare hands, but there was no other option. He didn't go near the drawer where he kept his spare gloves. The little box Ed had given him was carefully pushed into the back of said drawer. Without them though, he felt terrifyingly vulnerable.

"You'll be fine. I know you can do this." Ed's voice interrupted Roy's thoughts as if he'd been listening to them. Roy looked up to find Edward leaning over, close enough Roy could smell his shampoo. Human fingers gently adjusted his collar, brushing barely across his throat. They dragged across his chest, and Roy didn't know what to think until Ed flicked a nail against the medals pinned to his uniform. "You didn't get these for no reason."

Roy wanted to argue. He wanted to remind Ed that he had been someone else, someone who didn't jump at every sound or have trouble sleeping in his own damn bed. Something in Ed's expression, determined and hopeful and utterly refusing to back down made him hold his tongue. He waited until Ed drew back before taking a sip of his coffee.

The car arrived far too soon for Roy's liking. He froze in his seat, jerking nervously when Ed laid a hand on his back. He wasn't nearly ready to face an office full of people who were expecting the man he no longer was.

"It'll be okay. I'll be there. You'll be fine," Ed murmured, gently urging Roy to stand. Subtlety had never really been Ed's strong point, but he'd picked up something for Roy's sake. He stood near Roy, close enough to calm Roy without drawing attention. His human hand was pressed discretely against the small of Roy's back as they left the house, heading towards the waiting car.

Ed had kindly made sure their driver was no one Roy knew, no one with expectations. The lieutenant could easily have been anyone. The unfamiliarity made Roy nervous, but at least it was a great deal less pressure.

He'd passed this way a thousand times before. Nothing had changed except him. Roy took a breath, trying over and over to remind himself that it wasn't nearly as big a deal as he was making it. He didn't notice the way he was frantically curling his fingers around the edge of the seat until Ed slid his hand along the top of said seat. He gently pried Roy's hand away from the leather, threading their fingers together where the driver couldn't see.

All too soon, Central headquarters loomed up ahead. Roy felt like shrinking into a corner somewhere, but there was nowhere to go, and Ed didn't seem particularly inclined to let him get out of this. They pulled up to the curb, and Ed got out of the car, holding the door and motioning for Roy to follow him.

Against every inch of him that was begging to flee, Roy got out of the car. Ed wrapped his fingers reassuringly around Roy's elbow. To all the world who hadn't watched them for the last few months, it probably appeared that Edward was only offering help to a superior officer who was obviously injured. If Roy had gotten over his depth perception issues ages ago, no one needed to be any the wiser.

He could do this. He knew his way, had walked these halls for _years_ now. Roy glanced down at Ed who was still walking faithfully beside him, playing well the part of perfect soldier. He walked with his head held high, his hand still steady on Roy's arm. If there was a hint of a smile on his otherwise blank face when he caught Roy looking at him, it did nothing to detract from the image he projected.

"There's nothing to be afraid of. You've known these guys for years. They're your friends." Ed's voice was soft, whispering quietly enough that only Roy could hear him. His hand had left its place at Roy's elbow to splay across his back, the pressure of it felt even through Roy's uniform if not the warmth. Roy blinked, realizing he'd stopped outside the door to the office. Finally, he worked up the courage to put his hand on the handle and push it open.

"What's a five letter word for…Chief?" Havoc nearly dropped the unlit cigarette that dangled from between his lips. Everyone else stopped what they were doing and Roy was uncomfortably aware of the way everyone but Riza was staring as if he were a ghost.

Roy glanced at Edward for some sort of explanation, but the younger man only shrugged his shoulders apologetically. He edged protectively closer to Roy as the General took in his surroundings, trying to hide his nervousness. He could just make out Ed softly mumbling, "I'm sorry. Harcourt said he'd inform them."

He could nearly _feel_ the moment his team slipped from their stunned stupor. They were all staring one moment. The next everyone was trying to talk at once. Roy was overwhelmed, his breathing quick and shallow, and he hardly noticed the way Ed and Riza worked together to handle the situation. Had he not been teetering on the edge of panic, he might have marveled at the way Riza stared his team into silence. Ed made himself a barrier between Roy and everyone else until he felt like he could maintain some sort of coherency again.

"Sorry, sir. We're really glad to have you back. It just hasn't been the same without you." It was hard to hold any of this against them when Fuery was looking at him like that. He was half broken and unbearably damaged and Kain still acted like he was some kind of hero. Roy clenched his jaw to hide the tremor that coursed through every breath and nodded.

"It's good to be back," He heard himself say as he headed for the office. He should be staying, reasserting himself, making things _normal_ again, but he just couldn't take another second of being stared at. All he wanted was to hide in a closet somewhere until it was time to go home. He settled for hiding in his office instead, Ed close on his heels.

"See, that wasn't so bad," Ed soothed once they were safely in the office with the door shut. He leaned idly against the door as Roy made his way to his desk.

"Maybe not for you," Roy grated out. His heart was still hammering in his chest as he ran his fingers along the top of the desk. Someone else had sat here, and even as he sank into the chair, his chest welled with despair because he didn't know how to bring that man back.

"It'll get easier. You'll see. They're just happy to have you home," Ed pointed out. The shift in his behavior from coddling to encouraging was subtle, but even in his current state Roy picked up on it. They had a deadline, and so much hung in the balance. Roy steeled himself, because the least he could do was try to make this up to Ed.

He took a breath, willing himself to relax. It was just an office, an office he'd spend _years_ commanding. They were just people, people who were loyal and friendly to him. There was little conviction, but he made himself breathe out the words, "I'm sure tomorrow will be easier."

Ed at least seemed satisfied that he was trying. He maintained his spot, his arms crossed loosely as he leaned back against the door. Once he decided that Roy was sufficiently settled, he shifted his weight, standing straight again. "I have to leave. I'd stay but Harcourt's being a jerk. Do you need me to get anything for you?"

"Leave? Ed, I…" Roy froze where he sat. Ed couldn't leave, not when Roy was inches away from a nervous breakdown with him in the same room. He couldn't even function well alone in his own house, let alone in an office full of people.

"You'll be okay. It's okay for a little while," Ed promised. He moved closer until he was standing beside Roy's chair, leaning enough to look him in the eye. "I'll be back as soon as I can and we'll get out of here. You don't even have to leave your office if you don't want to. I'm sure Riza will bring you whatever you need."

Some part of him screamed at the childishness of it all. He was an adult. This was _his_ team, the one he'd worked years to build. There was absolutely no reason he should be intimidated by facing them. It didn't stop him from reaching out, his hand almost shaking on Ed's shoulder.

Ed looked concerned, but he didn't pull away. His lips turned in a slight frown and he trailed his fingers along Roy's uninjured cheek, settling at his jaw. He was so close, his forehead pressed against Roy's. "I wish I could make this easier, and… and I'm _sorry_ it isn't. I have to leave for a while, but I swear I'll be back just as soon as I…"

Whatever Ed was saying came to an abrupt halt. There were a few taps on the door before it opened, revealing Riza. The rest of Roy's team lingered nearby, trying to look in.

Riza looked at Roy who was still sitting in his chair, utterly nerve wracked. Her brows knit together slightly as she took in Ed's hand cupping his jaw, automail curled around the back of his neck. He hadn't moved except to turn and look at her, his expression defiant despite the color high in his cheeks. Riza glanced to the side. "My apologies if I am interrupting something…"

"Huh? No, I'm just leaving." Ed scrambled to stand up, disentangling himself and taking a step back. It left Roy cold, wishing he'd stayed just a moment longer. Ed was already leaving however, smiling warmly over his shoulder before he was gone.

Roy stared at the door as Ed shut it. He was well and truly alone in this, and he almost wanted to run after Ed, to beg him to come back. He'd spent months feeling terrified and skittish. Now he mostly just felt pathetic.

"We're all very glad to have you back, sir. I'm sure it's quite an adjustment," Riza's voice drew Roy back to reality. Despite how difficult her last appearance had been, he was grateful for her sympathy. She was calm and collected and hardly seemed to take note of the way Roy was trying to remember that he belonged here.

"I… appreciate that," Roy managed, though his voice faltered, thick and stumbling in his throat. He tried to smile, but it died on his lips before he'd even finished.

Riza saved him from an otherwise awkward moment. "I'll be just outside if you finish your paperwork or… need me to track down Edward for you."

Something flickered across her face. It was gone before Roy could sort out what it was. Riza turned and left Roy to his papers.

Roy threw himself into his work like he never would have before. It passed the time and offered at least a momentary escape. He could almost pretend to be comfortable here at his desk in his office.

"What do you think that's all about, anyway?" Breda's voice was hushed on the other side of the door. "He hardly said a word to anybody."

"Well, who knows what they did to him. I mean did you see…" Roy didn't catch the last of what Fuery was saying, but his stomach lurched and it was all he could do to ignore their speculation.

"Whatever it is doesn't seem to have stopped the boss," Havoc drawled. "I can't say I'm not shocked. I always figured Ed would kick Mustang's teeth in before he'd kiss him."

"We didn't actually see them kissing. It could have been something else entirely," Falman pointed out.

"Like what? Do you think Ed was just trying for an extreme close up? Maybe you don't get around much, but really. You don't go around pressing your face on other people, half in their lap if you don't want them." Havoc insisted.

"Yeah, but you saw the General. He's not himself at all. There's no telling how messed up he is, and Ed's pretty forceful. Maybe he was just trying to make sure he got his point across. I mean, he'd been dealing with this for months. I'm sure he knows what he's doing." Roy winced as he listened to Breda.

"Sure," Havoc joked, "If what he's doing is…"

"That's _enough_. The General has had a rough few months. Edward was in the best position to be available. I'm sure neither of them appreciate you gossiping about them," Riza barked, surprisingly vehement. The outer office grew utterly silent, but the damage was already done. He didn't _want_ to be talking about what happened, not with the people who'd looked up to him once.

Roy focused as best he could. Riza came in two more times, trading paperwork. It wasn't less awkward, but it didn't' make him as nervous. Mostly, he stared at the clock, waiting for Ed to return.

It was just after noon when Ed finally came back. He smiled, but Roy didn't return it. Already, he'd taken to heart the conversation he'd overheard, and it wore on his conscience. Ed really had put up with far too much already.

"Are you ready to go? I'm starving." Ed waited, patiently by Ed standards, for Roy to get up and adjust his uniform jacket. He was either oblivious to Roy's troubled thoughts, or determined to ignore them.

Ed's timing, however, was impeccable. Everyone was at lunch, leaving the outer office utterly barren. Roy rubbed at the bridge of his nose in frustration. He'd tried so hard to believe that maybe today he could set things right, or at least head back towards the life he once knew, but nothing had gone the way it was supposed to.

"Do you mind walking? It's nice out." Ed turned his head to look at Roy, waiting for the General to nod in agreement. It was the best idea Roy had heard all day. After everything else, he wasn't sure he could deal with anyone but Ed.

Ed was surprisingly unaware of the way heads turned as they made their way down the hall. Ed was happily rambling about the project he had left to work on. As Ed leaned close to Roy, he could practically _hear_ the rumors flying, though no one said a word as they passed.

Roy remembered a time when Ed had been prickly at best, volatile at worst. He'd kept his distance and would have sooner offered Roy his fist than his hand, which had found its way to his arm again. Roy took in Ed's easy smile, the relaxed set of his shoulders, and even if _he_ knew better, it screamed something entirely different to everyone else.

It wasn't that Roy minded. The hardest part really was that he _didn't_ mind. It wasn't fair though, for Ed to be subject to that just because he was being kind. Roy's brows furrowed, but he forced himself to speak. "You do realize that if you don't stop constantly hanging off of me, there will be no convincing anyone there's not something going on between us."

"I'm not hanging off you. I'm hardly touching you at all," Ed replied, utterly unperturbed by Roy's admonition. "Who cares what they think anyway? Unless being involved with someone like me is just too insulting for you."

Ed flashed Roy the edge of a smile. Underneath it though, he looked almost… disappointed. Roy wasn't sure what to think. He'd always been good at reading people, thinking circles around them before they even realized what was going on. Ed, though, had wormed under his skin and nothing ever seemed to come out right from there. He tried to explain, faltering, "No, no it isn't that at all. I was just saying…"

"Relax," Ed soothed as they made their way down the steps of headquarters and onto the sidewalk. His smile was firmly in place once again, although Roy didn't believe it for a second. "I was only teasing."

Every step made him feel worse. He was no less a wreck today than he'd been months ago. Ed had suffered and stayed with him, and all Roy had managed was to hurt his feelings somehow. He was blurting out words before he could stop himself. "Why are you doing this for me, anyway?"

Ed blinked at Roy as if he'd been struck. "The fuck kind of question is that?"

Roy watched Ed bristle like an angry cat. He turned into the entrance to the park, cutting through it as he headed for Roy's neighborhood. It was all Roy could do the keep up and he sighed in frustration because he hadn't meant to upset Ed. "All I mean is, you've been back in Central for a week now, and you've hardly been home because you're always…"

"Always what?" Ed grumbled, cutting Roy off. "Always spending time with you?"

"_Yes_. Ed I… I can't ask you to keep making these sacrifices in your life for my comfort's sake." It was so hard to say and the words tasted rancid on Roy's tongue, but he only cared about Ed, and it couldn't possibly be fair to him.

Ed stopped where he stood, half shadowed beneath the tree branches. The light filtering through caught on his eyes and in his hair. Roy's breath hitched because even scowling and aggravated, Ed managed to be absolutely _stunning_.

"I don't know why you think this is all about me trying to 'fix' you. Remember at the beginning, when you understood that I was messed up, too? What happened to that?" Ed demanded, though his voice was soft, and his eyes were searching rather than angry.

"You don't… I used to look at you, and your eyes were empty. I saw it a lot in the war. It's not easy to forget. You don't look like that now, Ed. There's… you got back up and you kept going, and there's no point in tying yourself down because I can't," Roy tried to explain.

"Roy… There will never be a day in my life it won't eat at me. Just because it doesn't run my life doesn't mean it's not there." Ed took a step closer to Roy, who was leaning against the tree trunk. He tipped his head the little bit he still needed to when they stood this close. "When I'm with you, though… it's worth it. You remind me that I did the right thing."

Roy blinked furiously, his voice stopped up in his throat. Ed's gaze was steady, though the color rose high in his cheeks. "Besides, how many times have you tried to get rid of me, now? If I didn't like being around you, I'd have gone already."

It was a stupid question, even as it swam in Roy's muddled thoughts. He couldn't fathom anything Ed might see in him like this, and the confusion was enough to pry it loose from his lips. "…Why?"

Ed growled, though he sounded more frustrated than angry. He scrubbed a hand over his face, and when he pulled it away, his cheeks were scarlet, his eyes wide and nervous. Ed's voice crackled and strained as he murmured, "Do you _really_ not get it? I _like_ you."

"Ed…I…" He what? He loved Ed? He needed him? He thought about kissing him every time he smiled? Roy's chest clenched, thrilled and terrified by turns. "I'm not the… the man I was."

"I never asked you to be." Ed edged closer, apparently encouraged by the fact that Roy hadn't said anything suggesting he shouldn't.

"What is it you…want? I don't have anything to offer you, Ed." Clearly, Ed's judgment was faulty or flawed because he had somehow entirely missed the part where Roy was a mess.

Ed leaned forward, so near that Roy could feel the tremor that slithered down his spine. Ed's breath was warm on Roy's lips and he couldn't concentrate because his line of vision was flooded with gold. His chest tightened, _begging_ for Ed to mean it. He wasn't strong enough for this, not when it took every iota of willpower not to wrap his arms around Ed and never let go.

"You're an idiot," Ed whispered, his voice nearly lost against Roy's startled breath. For just a moment, Edward looked as if he were every bit as petrified as Roy. "I just…want you."

Somewhere along the way, Ed's arms had wormed their way around Roy's back. His hands were splayed, warm and cool between Roy's shirt and his jacket. The fingers on Ed's human hand twitched against Roy's spine and it was the only warning Roy had. Ed closed the scant distance that remained between them, his lips gently nudging Roy's apart.

For just a second, Roy froze, completely stunned. He forgot how to react, forgot how to _breathe_ until Ed was pulling away, taking Roy's inaction for rejection. Roy managed to gather his wits enough to wrap an arm around Ed and keep him there. The fingers of his other hand curled around the back of Ed's neck with all the grace he could muster, as overwhelmed as he was.

He couldn't quite remember the last he'd kissed someone. It might as well have been never because this was like starting over. Roy let himself drown in it, memorizing the soft press of Ed's mouth over his, the faint scrape of teeth against his bottom lip. And when he worked up the courage to tease Ed's mouth open with the tip of his tongue, the _sound_ Ed made - pleading and punctuated by fingers digging into his back- made Roy's knees wobble.

They lost track of time, and Roy didn't care that the tree was still pressed against his back. When Ed finally released Roy's lips, it was only to nuzzle affectionately at the side of his neck instead. For once, Roy allowed himself to enjoy it, no longer worried about being caught out. When Ed pulled away, he didn't go far, and Roy was quick to follow.

Ed's fingers threaded easily through Roy's and for once he knew without a shadow of a doubt that it wasn't about obligation or pity. Ed grinned like he was seconds away from bursting at the seams, and leaned just slightly into Roy as they walked through the park together. It changed nothing and it changed everything. For once, despite the melancholy that had over his head for months, all Roy could remember was hope.


	18. Chapter 18

"Have you ever wondered if maybe just… once in a while, you could make something good of all the awful shit that happens?" Roy snorted at Ed's question, if only because he hadn't known it was possible for cursing to be endearing. Ed's ponytail bobbed as he walked, brushing along the collar of his white button down shirt. Somewhere along their way through the park, he'd shed his uniform jacket and it was slung in the crook of his automail arm.

"What?" Ed demanded, some faint hint of the boy Roy had known showing through. He scowled rather ineffectively, the effect marred by him squinting in the sun when he turned his nose up to regard Roy. Long lashes mostly shaded his eyes, but flecks of gold caught in the afternoon light, and Roy smiled because some days he _missed_ the Ed who argued constantly and yelled at short jokes and like this… he really was beautiful.

Ed had cobbled together a family out of broken hearts and hopeless dreams. He'd done the impossible and set right the most catastrophic thing that had happened in his young life. Then, there was this. It wasn't perfect, but… they would manage somehow. "Edward. You've been doing that for _years_."

Crimson crept violently across Ed's cheek, at odds with his desperate attempts to hang onto his composure. Underneath the irritated pout , though, was a glimmer of a smile. Ed glowered as best he could at Roy, muttering, "You're an idiot."

Hope was a finite thing, but it was as brilliant as it was fragile. For just a moment, Roy could entertain the idea that things were right. Each step they took away from the park, dragged him further back to reality. It wasn't a terrible thing, and it didn't leave him as cold as he expected it might. Maybe nothing had changed, but it _could_.

They were scarcely out of sight of the park's wrought iron gate when the artificial high Roy was on began to dissipate. He was painfully aware of passersby, and it was all he could do to steady his breath and keep going. His fingers tightened around Ed's, drawing the younger man's attention.

Ed said nothing, but gave him a reassuring smile, and _that_ was what did it. Roy couldn't tell if it was Ed being sweet or if it was Ed doing damage control. It occurred to Roy that so long as Ed was playing two roles, he might never be able to tell the difference. It wasn't something he was sure he could deal with.

They were in front of his house, halfway up the walk when he stopped. It weighed on his chest, and he had to say _something_ before he lost the courage. Roy paused at the foot of the porch, wishing he could be more surprised by the fact that Ed immediately stopped at his side, turning expectantly to look at him.

"I…" Roy missed, even more than Ed's arguments, a time when he'd felt sure of himself. He floundered for words in ways he hadn't since he was a teenager as Ed waited patiently for him to finish. He took his time, looking for a way to put what he needed to say that wouldn't give Ed the wrong idea. "I…need to not need you."

At first, Ed only blinked in confusion. There was a shadow of something as he looked to Roy for more of an explanation. Roy swallowed at the way Ed was obviously trying to school his expression into something neutral, "What do you mean, exactly?"

"I mean I can't tell if you do things because you like me or because you're trying to help me, and… it shouldn't be like that." Roy sat heavily on the steps. Ed flopped down beside him, pursing his lips in thought.

Ed's shoulders sagged and he leaned to the side, his head pressed to Roy's shoulder. "Does there have to be a difference?"

"You should have something better than that," Roy replied, tentatively wrapping an arm around Ed. It was sort of a nice thing to be starting to get used to.

Ed snorted, though he didn't lift his head. "You remember that thing where I was I wasn't asking anything of you? I _meant_ it. Don't change who you are on my account."

Roy sighed, tightening his grip on Ed's shoulder. "This isn't who _I_ want to be, Ed. I want you to be here because you want to be here, because I…want you to be here, not because I _need_ you around."

Ed looked very much like he wanted to argue. He chewed at the edge of his bottom lip and his brows dipped inwards towards his nose. Finally, he pulled away enough to meet Roy's gaze. "Look, I… I only ever want to be something good for you."

"You _are_, Ed. You have no idea…but we _can't_ keep on this way." Roy struggled for a way to explain the way his stomach roiled sickly at the mere suggestion of the intimacy and vulnerability their relationship would eventually prompt. How long would Ed deal with the fact that, for all Roy could appreciate that he had something beautiful in his bed, he was afraid to do anything about it? "I can't give you _anything_ like this."

Ed had learned to read Roy almost disturbingly well. He seemed at least to understand the fear behind Roy's words, if not the specifics. Ed's voice was gruff and awkward, but he looked steadily at Roy, cupping his cheeks in mismatched hands as if to keep Roy from turning away. "I don't _care_. If you only ever kissed me that once, it wouldn't make me stop caring about you, okay?"

Roy smiled just a little bit in spite of himself, because Ed was not like anyone he'd ever entertained the notion of loving. When Ed leaned in to kiss his cheek, it seemed only natural to turn his head just a little. He caught Ed's startled breath on his lips, reveling in the way Ed slowly melted against him.

"I just… I have to do this," Roy whispered against Ed's lips, fighting the urge to lose himself in the solace of soft kisses and Ed's arms around him.

"Idiot," Ed teased affectionately. "Do whatever you need to."

It wasn't all better at once, but maybe it didn't have to be. Edward couldn't fix him now, not anymore than he'd been able to months ago, and no amount of affection could compensate for what had developed between them. For the first time since he'd woken up with Ed at his side, though, it felt like maybe there was something worth reclaiming his life for.

The next day was a little bit better. Roy woke to a bedroom still gray with not quite sunrise. The flat of Ed's hand slid lethargically along Roy's back, as if he'd just woken himself. The pads of his human fingers gently traced the knobs of Roy's spine, the slight jut of his shoulder blades.

All emotion aside, it was almost second nature now to relax and lean into Ed's touch. He could almost hear the smile creep sleepily across Ed's lips as he nuzzled against the base of Roy's skull. The greeting Ed offered was slurred with sleep as he squirmed closer, slinging an arm over Roy's side.

Roy had woken to Ed beside him in one form or another easily a hundred times now. He'd thought of the other side of the bed as Ed's for nearly two months. This was the first time in his entire life that he'd woken up, though, knowing that Ed was his. Roy couldn't help rolling over, memorizing the first flickers of sunlight as they lit up Ed's hair and softened the line of his jaw. He took it all in, trying to gather the entire world into one perfect moment.

Ed's hair fell in silken strands under his fingers, when he lifted a hand to card through it. Gold flecked eyes peeked sleepily at him from beneath too long eyelashes. Roy cupped Ed's cheek and slid his palm along the side of Ed's neck, secretly relieved when his companion didn't pull away. Ed only hummed agreeably, and something twisted almost pleasantly in Roy's chest.

There was peace simply in being, and if he could feel the steady thud of Ed's heartbeat against his skin, that was merely a bonus. Ed snuggled deeper into the blankets, and against Roy. It was almost possible to forget that outside this room, everything wasn't just as perfectly normal as it had always been.

Roy very nearly fell back asleep, lulled by Ed's breathing, gently ruffling the collar of his shirt. Ed tucked his head under Roy's chin, and it was so hard not to mercilessly tease him because he fit there perfectly. Roy only allowed himself a fond smile, his eye slipping shut as he settled against the mattress.

He might have happily stayed there the rest of the day, left to his own devices. The alarm clock, however, knew no mercy. Just as he was beginning to doze off again, it wailed from its perch on the table beside him, jarring both him and Ed from anything remotely like sleep.

Ed sat up and _scowled_ at the alarm clock. If looks could have killed, the alarm clock would have fallen over and sizzled right where it sat on the bedside table. Ed's hair hung in his face, a tangled mess of silk and spun gold that dribbled messily across his shoulders. Roy reached past Ed to turn off the alarm before Ed decided to come up with a more permanent solution.

Ed seemed at least marginally appeased by the bedroom's return to mostly silence. Roy brushed his bangs aside to press lips to his temple and he hmm'd softly, leaning closer. He whined when Roy finally pulled away, reluctantly slipping out from under the covers to head for the shower.

It wasn't that anything was any easier than it had been the day before. Roy still avoided the mirror as he undressed and stepped into the shower. Still, maybe it was his imagination, but everything felt just a little bit more bearable this morning.

Twenty minutes saw him dressed and downstairs, a little bit more ready to face the rest of the world than he had been. Ed was in uniform again, and Roy refrained from teasing about it, as much as he'd have liked to. He was granted a lazy, oblivious smile for his restraint.

They fell into the first threads of routine. Ed pushed a plate and a cup of coffee at Roy. The expression on his face just dared Roy to bring up the fact that maybe he was just the teensiest bit domesticated after all this time.

Roy's bare hands caught his eye once more as he lifted his coffee mug to his lips. For the briefest of moments, the thought of retrieving a pair of gloves crossed his mind. It was fleeting and left him colder than he'd have liked, even as he violently discarded it.

"You okay?" Ed's voice had that tone again, the one that suggested he was teetering between affection and exasperation. He watched Roy from behind his coffee mug, patiently waiting for an answer.

"I'm fine," Roy assured him. Maybe it wasn't entirely true, but it would be someday. He blinked and shook his head, focusing on his breakfast instead of a little slip of fabric hidden away in a box upstairs.

Another nameless soldier chauffeured them to work. Roy tried to pretend he wasn't every bit as nerve wracked as he'd been the day before, but Ed very obviously wasn't buying it. He scooted subtly closer to Roy, offering what comfort he could without drawing any unnecessary attention. He'd become rather adept at this, and it left Roy as guilty as he was grateful.

The car halted just a little bit too soon for Roy's taste. Central headquarters towered over them, and Ed leaned close enough to whisper in Roy's ear. "Do you want me to walk with you?"

It was such an innocent question, but Roy knew what Ed was really asking. _Can you handle this on your own? Do you need me?_ Really, he was pretty sure he did, actually. He didn't want to go deal with an office full of people, even people he could count as friends. Even as it was on the tip of his tongue to ask Ed to come along after all, he knew he couldn't. If he didn't face things now, he never would. Roy pushed the words he meant to say into something else entirely. "No. It'll be fine."

Roy half expected some sort of argument. Ed however, only smiled like he really believed it. He paused for the briefest of moments, giving Roy a chance to change his mind before metal fingers wrapped around the door handle, pushing it open. Ed got out of the car, waiting for Roy to follow.

They walked together as far as their paths entwined. Roy was sure he wasn't imagining the whispers and stares from the soldiers they passed. Where yesterday, he'd been something like appalled for Ed's sake, today it was hard to mind. After all, Ed _wanted_ to be here with him, was bright and beautiful and utterly full of life.

For the first time in months, Roy had some semblance of confidence, because Ed wasn't oblivious to the attention they were garnering, but he didn't seem to mind at all. He only leaned a little closer to Roy, the faintest of smiles curling on his lips. At first, Roy thought he was egging on the rumors already flying, but it was only Ed being Ed, uncaring of how things might look.

They parted ways in the middle of an empty hallway. Ed rocked awkwardly on his heels, for once at a loss for words. "I guess…this is it, then. I'll see you at lunch, but… but if you need anything…"

"I know, Ed," Roy gently interrupted. He managed a smile, trying to ignore the way his heart was pounding nervously at the prospect of doing this on his own. Ed glanced around the hallway, and Roy _knew_ he was thinking about something highly inappropriate for work. He almost wished Ed would kiss him anyway, but he only reached out, clasping his human hand around Roy's shoulder.

"See you in a while." A soft smile and then Ed was gone. Roy watched his ponytail bobbing merrily with his every step. Eventually, he disappeared around the corner to wherever he was going, leaving Roy all alone.

_You can do this_, he reminded himself. He'd walked these halls, commanded this team years before he'd known there had ever been an Ed for him to miss. Roy made his way to the office, carefully schooling his expression into a mask dripping with confidence he wasn't feeling.

A deep breath and a step through the door was the point of no return. Hawkeye was busy at the filing cabinet, and nodded in greeting. Fuery smiled like he hadn't actually expected Roy to come back today and the fact that he had was the greatest thing in the world. Falman was working on something and Breda and Havoc were arguing about something, and didn't even seem to notice him walk in.

"Hey Chief. Hi B…where's Ed?" Havoc looked something like stunned that Ed wasn't right beside Roy. It was hard to decide whether he ought to be more embarrassed or amused that his team just assumed they were a package deal.

"I'm sure he'll be along when he's finished at the lab. It's probably better that he isn't blowing up things in the office." Roy shrugged like he wasn't terrified to be without his Ed shaped shield. He wanted nothing more than to escape to the safety of his office, but it wasn't going to accomplish anything. Instead, he forced a shadow of a smirk, marveling at the effect it had.

It didn't even seem to matter that he was teetering on the precipice of internal panic. His men saw _something_ they recognized, and it put them at ease the way they hadn't been the day before. Roy could feel the shattered pieces beginning to slide back into place. It was far from perfect, and maybe their dynamic would never quite be what it once was, when he'd been nigh on untouchable, but this was certainly a start.

He couldn't stay, couldn't risk this fragile success by pushing beyond his own limitations. Roy managed to be something almost familiar, though, just long enough that no one on his team was warily staring at him as if waiting for some inevitable breakdown. It was a relief to retreat to his office without awful whispers following in his wake.

They talked of course, like he couldn't hear bits of their conversation through the door. Roy was grateful for their sense of loyalty, that even after the disaster he'd been yesterday, they were so eager to believe he was okay after all, or would be eventually.

Roy didn't spend quite so much time watching the clock as he waited for Ed. He did his work, and while he wasn't ready to go out into the main part of the office by any means, he wasn't terrified either. It was pride or pleasant surprise that carried him, a hope that sprang up because things weren't maybe so bad after all.

Ed's return was heralded by the abrupt silence that all but shouted out what his team had been gossiping about. Roy smiled to himself just a little because Ed was grumping at them, and Havoc muttered something like an apology, marred hopelessly by Breda snickering on the other side of the room. It was almost as if nothing had changed.

There was no knock at the door, just Ed barging in, still scowling irritably. It dissolved into something more relaxed as he closed the door, casually leaning against it. He sighed, relaxing where he stood as he waited for Roy to finish his paperwork. "How're you holding up?"

"Better than I expected," Roy admitted. Ed didn't say anything, but he practically beamed at Roy. There was something decidedly pleasant about knowing how very proud Ed was of him at the moment.

Ed waited patiently for all of two minutes before he was tapping his foot. Three before he sighed dramatically, and four before he was grumbling. "Are you planning to finish sometime today, or should I just set up camp on the couch?"

Roy laughed, too pleased by the familiarity of Ed's short temper to bother with anything remotely like a comeback. He sighed his last paper and finally got up, circling the desk. Roy closed the distance between them, casually sliding an arm around the small of Ed's back. "Let's go home."


	19. Chapter 19

The fell into a routine that grew a bit easier each day. Work was a little less exhausting and eventually, Roy managed to even to leave the door to his office open, much to everyone's relief. Two weeks in, Havoc was carting Ed and Roy between home and work. Though he teased them mercilessly, simply on the merits that even Ed let him get away with it, Roy couldn't quite find it in himself to put up more than a token resistance.

Though he still didn't wear his gloves, eventually Roy stopped cringing when he walked by the drawer where they were kept. He was still working on the courage to open it, but the situation didn't seem quite so hopeless as it had once. He sparred with Ed after work, and if he wasn't any sort of living weapon, he was hardly defenseless any longer.

Ed was patient, but the less fragile Roy got to be, the less he seemed intent on coddling. There was a sort of peace to be found in their aimless bickering, mostly just for argument's sake. Bit by bit they adapted to yet another new dynamic that was less about Roy's fading need to have Ed around, and more about the first whispers of something like love.

It was still painful to face the mirror. Roy ignored it when he could, and shrank away when he couldn't. The scars were likely permanent now, and he was sure he'd never see them as anything but ugly. It seeped coldly into everything, and even as he wanted to sink into Ed's hands sliding along the back of his shirt, he just… couldn't.

True to his word, if Ed minded the way Roy shied away from anything more intimate than a kiss or two, he didn't complain. Ed seemed perfectly content with whatever Roy offered, often more interested in conversation than anything else, regardless. If he reached out, it was only in the most innocent of ways, always more soothing than sensual.

Ed was gone more often now. It was little things, shopping alone, hanging out with Al, and he _always_ came back before it got to be very late. It was starting to feel almost normal for Roy to be functioning on his own again. If he still couldn't sleep without Ed, he told himself he just liked the feel of the person he cared for wrapped up in his arms. It had nothing to do with the fear that still lingered insidiously in the dark corners of his bedroom.

They weren't all good days. Sometimes, his reflection was too much to face. Some days he could hear people whispering like they noticed the way he wore his hair a little long over his eye patch, and the way he pulled self consciously at his collar, though no one had said a word. There were days when even Ed was too much, and it felt like all he'd ever known in his life was utter despair.

Those days came a little less by turns. Dr. Edgewood was far from Central, but much arguing on Edward's part finally convinced him to see someone else. He didn't want to, and it _hurt_. Usually the next morning it was all he could do to even crawl out of bed, but very slowly, he was getting better.

Roy didn't panic the way he'd expected to when Harcourt strode into his office, a folder in his hand. He only stood up and saluted, like nothing had ever changed. "General."

"You can sit down, Mustang," Harcourt replied. He dropped the envelope on Roy's desk. "You seem to see my Major Elric more often than I do. I thought I might trouble you to give this to him."

Roy felt his stomach bottom out before he even touched the folder. He fought to hide it as he flipped open to the first page, glancing over the file's contents. A rogue alchemist, rumors of chimera, and fought to hide the way his tongue was thick in his throat. He forced himself to speak, pulling himself together just enough to fool Harcourt, he hoped. "I'll give this to Fullmetal when I see him."

Harcourt nodded, his lips curving in a self assured smile. "I understand you two have grown quite close. I trust his absence won't be too much of an… inconvenience for you."

Roy reminded himself that Harcourt was only goading him, making this separation as painful as possible. Even nervous at the thought of Ed being gone for so long, Roy refused to rise to the bait. "I imagine he'll leave tonight or in the morning."

Harcourt nodded, and turned to leave. If he noticed the way Roy had stiffened in agitation, he didn't respond. The general had almost left Roy's office, stopping in the doorway. "Oh, and Mustang."

"General?" Roy's hand curled in his lap, nails digging into the palm of his hand as he fought to stay grounded.

"I'm sure Fullmetal has discussed the parameters of your assessment with you? When I agreed to let him take on this little… project, the idea was that there would be a battle assessment, just to be certain you would be ready to go back in the field if necessary, of course." Well, that was nothing Roy didn't know. His hand relaxed a fraction.

"I understand, General." Roy replied carefully. It wasn't something he was particularly excited about, but he sparred with Ed every day. They'd manage somehow.

Harcourt smiled more widely, and oh that _couldn't_ be good. "Well, the date has been set for three weeks from tomorrow. As Fullmetal will likely still be be out on the assignment I'm sending him on, I've arranged for you to have a different opponent. I expect that will not be an issue."

The general left before Roy could say a word. It was a relief actually, because the way he would have gloated was something edging on unbearable. Bad enough that Harcourt had pulled Ed from Roy's team, but out of his home, too? Roy stared at the door long after Harcourt had closed it, trying to ignore the gnawing worry. It was a dirty trick, but nothing he shouldn't be able to sort out.

For all the situation concerned Roy, Ed was absolutely _livid_. He flipped through the folder when Roy gave it to him later, bristling where he sat on the couch. "Who the _fuck_ does that bastard think he is? I swear I'm gonna fucking…"

"You're not going to do anything. You're going to go on the mission you've been assigned to," Roy retorted, as much as it pained him to do so.

"But what about you?" Ed pressed. He set the folder in his lap, his gaze set firmly on Roy.

"I'll be fine," Roy promised, and mostly it was true. Ed's mouth turned down in a concerned frown, but he didn't argue.

Tense silence fell between them. Roy worked on his paperwork, pretending he wasn't spending half his time watching Ed pressed against his couch cushions. Ed read his file more thoroughly, as if he wasn't just stalling for time. Finally, Ed got up reluctantly , murmuring, "I guess the sooner I get going, the sooner I'll be back. I'm going to go home and pack. I'll… take a train out tonight I guess."

Roy smiled like he wasn't dreading weeks spent without Edward in his bed. Ed shifted from one foot to the other, waiting for some kind of response. He was glad at least to find that Ed didn't want to say goodbye here anymore than he did. "Go get packed. I'll head home as soon as I'm finished here."

Ed nodded, and was out the door before Roy could change his mind and reach out to stop him. The clock was too loud, and the stack of papers on his desk seemed enormous now that he was fighting for a few more minutes with Ed. He hardly read them before signing off, eager to head home before Ed absolutely had to leave.

He finished before it was strictly time to go. Riza cleared her throat and looked at him as he got out of his chair and started to gather his things. She didn't contradict him, though, when he inclined his head at her, "I'll see you tomorrow, Lieutenant."

It was strange, though not so uncomfortable as it would have once been, riding home without Ed. Havoc made small talk and if Roy hadn't been distracted by Ed leaving for so long, it would have been surprisingly pleasant.

The lights were off in most of the house. All the windows but those in the living room were dark, and for a moment Roy thought Ed had already left. He made his way up the walk alone and his fingers curled tightly around the door handle a few seconds too long before he opened it.

Ed's suitcase was the first thing he saw, sitting innocently against the foyer wall. Ed was curled up in one corner of the couch. Roy thought about grumbling at him to get his boots off the couch, but he'd gladly put up with a few shoeprints on the cushions if Ed stayed a little longer.

"I'll have to leave soon, but I'll report in when I get there, in case you need to get a hold of me." It was endearing the way Ed was trying so hard to make this something edging on professional. His expression was already wavering with the effort as he picked himself up off the couch. He gave up the act with a soft sigh. "Just… just call me if you need anything."

"Ed, I'll be fine," Roy promised. Ed was close enough now that it was easy to tug the young man into his arms.

Ed pressed his face against Roy's shoulder, squeezing tightly with mismatched arms. He grumbled at Roy, grouchy and muffled by the uniform jacket. "Well... call me anyway."

Roy closed his eye and smiled, rubbing his hand across Ed's shoulders. There was no telling when he'd be able to again, so he focused on memorizing the warmth of Ed's body in his arms. He nuzzled against Ed's hair, murmuring, "I will."

If he could have never let go, he certainly wouldn't have counted it as a loss. All too soon, the clock on the wall chimed, reminding them of their obligations. Ed pulled out of Roy's arms with a soft, plaintive sound. "I have a train to catch."

Roy almost, _almost_ offered to walk to the station. Ever eager for even a moment more, although he knew better. It wasn't that he couldn't deal with the crowds so much as he wasn't sure he could stomach actually watching Ed leave town.

Ed left him with a soft kiss on the lips that lingered pleasantly even once he'd pulled away. Roy listened to the door bang shut, a hollow sound that filled his ears. Alone wasn't terrifying so much anymore, but... but this house that Roy owned, that Ed didn't even _live_ in technically, never felt like much of a home without him in it.

The silence wasn't so deafening as it had been once. Roy went about his evening as he always did. He made dinner, though he realized halfway through that he'd started cooking for two. He read on the living room couch and it was odd, not being interrupted by Edward.

Roy was pleased to realize that it had little to do with being unable to cope with being alone. Not that he had any burning desire to go for a walk alone in the dark, but he wasn't jumping at every sound. Mostly, he just missed Ed's company.

It wasn't until he glanced at the clock, reminding him it was late and he had work, that Ed's absence was a problem. Roy put it off as long as possible, but eventually he set the book down and got up off the couch. He climbed the stairs, the littlest bit unsettled because Ed was always right behind him these days.

Roy went about his usual routine, trying not to be thrown off by the fact that Ed wasn't in the bathroom doorway, chattering away with his hair clinging to his shoulders as Roy brushed his teeth. The silence was broken only by the occasional creak of floorboards under foot, and the steady ticking of the clock in the hall, deafening without conversation to drown it. Without Ed to distract him, it was a conscious effort not to look in the mirror as he pulled off the eye patch, letting it rest on the bathroom counter.

Roy eventually made it to the bedroom. He crawled beneath the covers and turned out the light, intent on getting to sleep already. The bed was too big for just him now that he was so used to the weight of Ed's body pressed to his side. The darkness caved in around him,, and Roy took a breath, reminding himself that there was nothing to be afraid of. His vision adjusted, proving that nothing lurked in the empty corners of his room.

The blankets were slow to warm up and Roy shivered beneath them without Ed wrapped around him. It wasn't nearly so terrifying as he'd expected it to be, and if he slept with his back pressed to the wall, he told himself he was just comfortable that way. The absence of Ed's soft, even breathing in his ear, the lack of warm fingers through his hair was lonesome, but eventually Roy drifted off to sleep.

There were no nightmares to disturb his sleep that night. Ed was not there to complain when the alarm went off or to maneuver around in the kitchen at breakfast. It put Roy a bit off kilter, simply because he was used to the company, but he managed after a fashion.

Havoc picked him up and Roy only allowed himself the briefest of glances at the empty seat beside him. It wasn't as if he saw Edward much at headquarters these days anyway, now that Harcourt had taken the opportunity to pull him out of Roy's team. It grated, but it was just as well given the way things had developed, he supposed.

"Hey Chief." Havoc's lazy, drawling voice rose above the purr of the engine, breaking Roy's chain of thought. "We were all talking about maybe going out for a drink or something after work. I know you've got a lot going on, but maybe… if you're not too busy, you'd like to go with us?"

The more calculating part of Roy's mind understood what was between the lines. Havoc was trying to subtly suggest that maybe Roy shouldn't spend all his time alone while Ed was gone. Even so, he gave Roy a graceful way out, a suggestion that would let him decline without admitting his own weakness. The idea of going out without Ed as a buffer between him and the rest of the world was still unsettling, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad. He considered the offer before answering, "Perhaps."

They got to headquarters, and Roy walked to his office without Ed. Havoc walked with him, and it was starting to feel almost normal now, talking to his subordinate. They briskly covered the distance to their destination, and no one stared the way they did when he was with Ed. All at once it was relieving and… something almost like disappointing, when he stopped to consider.

He should be glad, he supposed. The man he had been was in the details, motivations as much as the actions themselves. It had happened so slowly he'd hardly noticed the shift until he was something he nearly recognized, and maybe getting his life back wasn't so terribly out of reach after all. It would never be quite the same, not while he missed Ed so much it was a tangible thing, not when his subordinates had _seen_ the shadow of himself that had returned from the hospital. Maybe, though…maybe he could have something just as good.

Roy handled the day about as well as might be expected. He spent most of his morning ignoring the growing stack of paperwork on his desk. He stared at the phone, and he shook his head at Breda and Havoc who were currently arguing about who had more of a chance with the new secretary downstairs. There was a glance in his direction, but Havoc held his tongue just this one time.

He had lunch at his desk. Roy found so long as he kept working, the fact that Ed wasn't around didn't seem to be quite so conspicuous. Harcourt had dropped by while the rest of his team was out, most likely to gloat. Roy refused to give him the satisfaction, fixing the general with a bland, unperturbed look, and Harcourt left almost as quickly as he'd come.

Each time the phone rang, Roy looked up hopefully. Each time it was someone who wasn't Ed, and eventually Roy gave up hoping. Edward was probably still on the train, and if he wasn't, he was almost certainly sleeping, exhausted from the trip. Roy stopped expecting the calls to his office to be Ed, but it didn't make him stop hoping just a little bit.

Ed did call in, less than an hour before Roy's work day was over. He sounded weary, like it had taken enormous amounts of effort just to pick up the phone. His voice came over the line, tinny and distant, "Hey, I just got in. How're you holding up?"

"Fine. How was the trip?" They talked about none of the things that really mattered. Roy told Ed that everything was fine without him, though he didn't mention how cold the bed was, or how off putting it was to wake up alone. Roy knew by the end of their conversation that Ed got in safely, but he didn't say a word about whether he was lonely and homesick, or simply tired.

They said as much as they could get by with on a military line, and finally Ed sighed with all that remained unspoken. "I'm falling asleep. I'll call you later, okay?"

"Of course." He was about to say goodbye and reluctantly set the phone back in its cradle when he remembered Havoc's offer. "I've been invited out after work. Just Havoc and Breda and whoever else tags along, I imagine. If I go, I may be a little late getting back."

There was silence on the other end, and for a moment Roy thought Ed was upset, or had perhaps fallen asleep. When he replied, though, his voice was only warm and thoughtful. "You should go. You've got the number for the hotel. You can always just call when you get the chance or something."

"I really don't know…" It was the most honest thing Roy had said the entire conversation, vague enough that only Ed would know for certain what he meant.

"Roy…just _go_. Go, and have fun, and call me later if you want to," Ed replied, just a little bit exasperated.

"I'm not…" Roy started, but Ed was having none of it.

""Just _go_ already. Go, and call me later or something, but I'm tired. G'night." There was a click as if Ed decided that hanging up meant he'd won by default.

Roy shook his head as he set the phone back in its cradle. The rest of the day passed quickly, until Roy had no choice but to make up his mind one way or another. He was just about to get up from his desk when he found Havoc standing in the doorway. "What what do you say, Chief? Coming with us?"

"Let's go," Roy replied, before he could change his mind. Jean looked visibly relieved as he held the door.

Apparently, as tired as Ed was, he was not too exhausted to terrorize Roy's team into making sure Roy didn't mope around the house. Havoc was mumbling something about how Roy was a braver man than he was to get involved with a walking explosion, regardless of how attractive said explosion might be. Roy raised an eyebrow and Havoc quickly backpedaled, and oh of _course_ he didn't mean it like that.

Breda was laughing as Jean only dug himself further in in his attempts to explain that he wasn't jealous and he didn't think Ed was a girl or anything. Even Roy couldn't help chuckling as he begged everyone not to tell Ed about that part because he very much liked being alive. It was about that time he remembered all over again that Ed was something like permanently attached to Roy, and that even without his gloves, Roy was easily within throttling distance, and he really, _really_ didn't want to die today.

That was the tone for the evening. As they sat at a table in the bar with their second round of drinks, Roy wondered why he'd ever been worried at all. He wasn't quite as comfortable as he was at home with Ed, but he wasn't as unsettled as he expected to be. He allowed himself to be immersed in the fact that he was surrounded by people he had trusted once, and knew he could again if he'd give them the chance. Even Hawkeye had joined them, taking a seat beside Roy where Ed would have normally sat.

It was something of a welcome home party, as much as Roy's team thought they could get away with. They avoided the subjects they were most curious about, the blank pages in Roy's last few months that only Ed seemed to be anything like intimately aware of. Mostly, there was laughter and drinking, and the fourth round, Roy stopped tensing up when he realized he could get used to this again.

Roy was almost sorry when he glanced at the clock, noting the late hour. Havoc was far too drunk to be escorting anyone anywhere, judging from the way he kept ending up half out of his chair, like his bones had decided they just weren't going to function any longer. Riza shook her head and quietly offered to take Roy home.

It was the first time he'd been alone with her since the day in the hospital, aside from rare moments in the office. She was mostly quiet, but it was more companionable than the silence between them had been in a long time. Riza seemed almost reluctant to break it as she asked, "Are you holding up alright, sir?"

"I'm fine," Roy replied, relieved to find his answer honest. Their conversation the rest of the trip home was short, but companionable, and Roy was rather surprised when she came to a stop in front of his house.

"Have a good night, sir," Hawkeye admonished as Roy got out of the car. He wasn't sure that was the word he'd use, as he wasn't looking forward to another evening of unbroken silence and cold, empty blankets. Still, he would manage.

His lips tilted in an almost smirk, and he inclined his head. "I'll see you tomorrow, Lieutenant."


	20. Chapter 20

Thursday morning, Roy woke long before the alarm. The bed was still empty, and Ed's pillow was scrunched up in his arms. He stared out over the top of the pillowcase at the dresser, his gaze caught on the drawer he never opened, as if his vision was caught on fishhooks.

He couldn't avoid it forever, not if he valued the life he was slowly reclaiming. There'd been time. There'd been plenty of time, but now he was counting down the days. It wasn't something he wanted to do alone, but Harcourt had made certain that Ed would not be around to help him, and there was nothing else for it.

Roy stared at his drawer full of demons for a long time. Just as he closed his eye, no longer wishing to think about the prospect of opening it, his alarm went off, jolting him from his thoughts. With a tired frown, he reached over, silencing the contraption.

Another morning without Ed, and Roy only sighed, resigned to his silent house for however long Ed might be gone. Another ride to work with an empty seat beside him and he refused to think on it. Instead, he chatted with Havoc, who appeared to be severely hung over. Another day where Ed was in another city instead of another room, and Roy refused to spend his idle moment staring at the phone.

It did ring, not long after he'd gotten in in fact. Roy lifted the phone from its cradle and held it to his ear. He had scarcely gotten out a greeting when a voice crackled on the other end of the line. "Everything okay?"

"Fine, Ed. I'm fine," Roy replied, letting his good eye slip shut, and the barest of smiles curve on his lips. He was getting by without Ed, but it didn't mean Roy didn't miss him.

"Oh… You didn't call last night so I, umm, I…well whatever. You're fine, so that's good." Ed cut off his own rambling with an audibly relieved breath.

"I got in late," Roy murmured into the phone. There was silence on the line, just long enough for Roy to wonder how Ed was faring on his own.

"How are you holding up?" Roy felt a little guilty for not asking sooner. Ed put up such a tough façade, and sometimes it was easy to forget that he'd been hurt in all this too.

"Me? I'm… okay. I'm fine." There was something off in Ed's voice, but Roy couldn't press, not here on a military line.

They talked for a while, as long as Roy thought he could get away with. Perhaps he could not loose Ed's lips about whatever was troubling him, but he could certainly provide distraction, however fleeting it might be. Ed seemed willing enough to be pulled from his troubles, dragged easily into idle conversation.

It wasn't enough, not when Roy wanted to reach through the phone and tug whatever was bothering Ed from his lips. Not when he wanted Ed, warm and heavy across his chest, safe in his arms. It nearly pained him to say goodbye, but he had responsibilities, and Ed had somewhere to be.

The day was long, but no worse than the one before. Roy came home to an empty house, and silly really, that it bothered him. He'd lived alone here for _years_, but it just wasn't the same anymore without Ed.

That night, he stared at the drawer again, as if he expected it to open up and let out all the evil within. He had to do this, and as much as he wanted Ed around to back him up, he couldn't wait forever. Roy took a breath and nearly reached out… but not that night. He hadn't the strength for it just yet.

The days passed one way or another. Sometimes they flew, when his stomach turned over his gloves and his unknown opponent. Other times the minutes stretched out into eternity, when the bed was empty and cold, and Ed's heartbeat was too far away to lull him to sleep. He was at a loss for which was more unpleasant.

A week in and Roy was tired of being haunted. He could do this, with or without Ed's help. There were no other options left, and Roy reached out, brazenly running his fingers along the polished oak drawer despite the panic roiling in his belly. His fingers finally curled around the handle and everything _hurt_. His missing eye burned behind its patch, the sensation spreading down his chest. All that existed in that instant were chains and fire and mind numbing fear that clawed its way along his spine. Roy shrank back and slept on the couch that night in his rumpled uniform, unable to face remaining even in the same room.

It was two more days before he worked up the nerve to try again. Roy set his jaw, finally angry enough at his own weakness to shove past it. He stalked up the stairs and straight to the dresser, flinging the drawer violently open before he had the chance to back down.

They stared up at him, slips of fabric lying harmlessly in their drawer. Red on light, like blood smeared across pale skin, and Roy very nearly retched at the painful memory. The acrid stench of his own seared flesh stuck in his nose, and though the gloves responsible for _that_ were tucked safely in a box beneath the others, he just couldn't look any longer. With a defeated sigh, Roy slid the drawer shut, hanging his head in shame.

He called Ed that night, desperate to be drawn back to reality. Ed's voice was distant and weary, as if keeping the phone to his ear was a very distinct, if worthwhile effort. No matter how Roy demanded to know the reason, Ed refused to let him share whatever burden he held on his shoulders.

"I'm fine. I'm fine, really," Ed insisted, the lie curling unconvincingly off his tongue. Eventually, Roy conceded, too worn himself to argue, and he bid Ed goodnight. Ed sighed, a sound that hissed into the speaker, and he'd hung up before Roy caught all he mumbled afterwards. "G'night. I… miss you."

He dialed again. It rang on Ed's end…and kept ringing. Six, seven, eight times and Roy slumped on the couch as he finally gave up. He hung up the phone with a dismal click, wishing he at least knew what was the matter.

Four more days passed, and each one had Roy staring down at the weapon that had destroyed him just a few moments longer. He picked one up, but the scratch of ignition cloth in his palm reminded him of someone else's fingers shrouded in it, tracing his jaw like a lover just before… Roy dropped the glove as if he'd been burned all over again, and then he was sick in earnest.

He called Ed here times that night before he got an answer. Ed's voice was splintered, dredged in self loathing, though he was still mum as to the reason. Half an hour of wheedling only got Roy a handful of excuses, that Ed was tired, that it had been a long day, that this was a stupid mission anyway. Roy hung up when he realized how hard Ed was trying to pretend to be alright for his sake. He set down the phone so that Ed could stop pretending, distraught that there was nothing he could do from here, that maybe Ed was more damaged than he'd allowed himself to see.

Roy kept trying to face his own demons, and it was a little easier each day. Eventually, the memories were less acute, dulled enough that he could push past them. He didn't put them on, but he ran the pad of his thumb over fabric like sandpaper and a familiar red circle, until he could do so without his stomach turning.

Ed sounded almost happy that night, if only for Roy's success. Even Ed's pleasant tone was subdued, and Roy wanted nothing more than to gather him up away from whatever was hurting so much. He thought he just might fry Harcourt for doing this to Ed, and angry as he was, there was a peculiar joy in that he didn't recoil entirely from his own idle threats.

His assessment was a week and a half away when Roy decided that this needed to be finished. He took a breath and cleared his head, hoping this would be the last time that opening that drawer was a struggle. His hand brushed easily over pristine fabric, but that wasn't what he sought this time. In the back of the drawer, his fingers finally hit the solid cardboard side of a box.

With a shaky breath, Roy wrapped his hand around the box, withdrawing it from its hiding place. It was still tied shut the way Ed had given it to him and Roy hesitated, his fingers lingering over the knot. Eventually, he plucked it loose, lifting the lid from the box.

There were the gloves that had reduced him to this, nestled harmlessly in their cardboard coffin. The white fabric was marred with dust and dirt and blood that faded to grotesque stains of reddish brown. Even through the mess, the stitched transmutation circle shone in brilliant crimson.

Roy expected to be assaulted by his nightmares, hellish memories that would never entirely heal. But that blood was not his, and maybe that was what grounded him. He closed his good and all that came was Edward, wild and vicious and dredged up from hell. Debris matted hair and eyes clouded by fury so wicked and all encompassing that Ed had murdered the man wearing Roy's gloves, staining them in Drachman blood.

_There will never be a day in my life it won't eat at me. When I'm with you, though… it's worth it. You remind me that I did the right thing._ Roy winced at the memory, when Ed was still being strong enough for the both of them. He just wanted Ed _home_ because for once he needed something from Roy. For all Ed had sacrificed, for every day he refused to accept Roy giving up, for every hollow, haunted moment that came from forsaking his own morals, Roy _had_ to do this. He lifted the battered gloves from their box, took a deep breath, and slipped them onto his hands.

As foreign as it was familiar, Roy hadn't felt the soft lining of his gloves on his fingers in months. His heart bounded and his breath was a bit ragged, but he left them there, acclimating himself to the sensation. The little, empty box on the mattress was the only witness to his success.

It was a long while before Roy realized his stomach was no longer turning threateningly. He could breathe again, and his lips quirked, if only faintly. His smile widened at the way his terror ebbed, though it hurt to realize Ed wasn't around to share the moment.

"I knew you could do it," Ed murmured into the phone when Roy told him. For the first time since he'd left, Roy could hear the smile in his voice. It was almost enough to make him believe that Ed was okay after all. Almost.

"How's your mission going?" It was the wrong question to ask because Ed choked on his breath and muttered something about how it was stupid and boring and he'd try to be home soon. Gone was the smile in his voice, and the note that replaced it was hopeless and full of sorry Ed refused to admit to. When he finally said goodnight, it left Roy hollow and worried.

He _wanted_ to wear his gloves to work, and the inclination alone was absolutely thrilling. Roy decided though, that the less Harcourt was aware of his recovery, the better. He ended up stuffing a clean pair into his pocket, feeling less vulnerable than he had in ages for that one small act.

Roy counted down the days, just a little less nervous now. He spent his days focused like he'd never really been before. His evenings were devoted to learning to compensate for a loss in depth perception. The fence and a couple of rose bushes suffered in the process, but eventually the electric crackle of alchemy was almost natural again.

Bit by bit, he was regaining something he'd lost, though he might mold it in another direction. Some days he could almost face his damaged body in the mirror… almost. Some days he thought he could eventually treat Ed like a proper lover. Some days he had an inkling of hope that he'd eventually recognize himself again.

True to Ed's admonition, he didn't spend all his time alone. He learned to relax, to let himself be surrounded by friends. Just maybe Ed's absence was a bit of a blessing. For all he missed him, it forced Roy to learn to cope on his own, and cope he did. He was beginning to once again trust the team who'd stuck by him even when he couldn't face them. Something like pride prickled along his nerves at the respect he thought he was maybe actually earning once more.

By the Friday afternoon before his assessment, Roy decided he'd mastered all he was likely too. His aim wasn't perfect, but it was close, and his control was a great deal better than it had been even a week before. He went home intent on a relaxing evening, the start to the last weekend before his assessment.

The sun was nearly set, and Roy relaxed on the living room couch near the phone. Eventually, Ed would call, and in the meantime, he was content to wrap himself up in his reading. Banging against the door startled him from his reading, and Roy got up with a soft sigh.

Roy's lips curled in a fond smile once he'd pulled the door open. There stood Edward, Edward who he hadn't expected to be back even for the assessment, let alone a few days early. With what little was left of the sun firmly at Ed's back, Roy couldn't see the young man well. He stepped aside, ushering Ed in off the step.

"Hey," Ed's voice was thin and weary, and the smile fled Roy's lips as quickly as it had come. In the foyer light, there was no hiding the shape Edward was in. Ed's shoulders sagged, and the rest of him seemed to follow. Limp, tangled hair lay in a matted mess, long since fallen from its tie. Dirt smudged his face and his clothes, until it was impossible to tell what color that shirt had originally been.

Roy had seen Ed a wreck, and knew he was a little careless with his appearance. It was something else altogether that had him concerned. Ed smiled, inhumanely wide, but his eyes were haunted, like Roy hadn't seen them since the first few days after his rescue.

Now wasn't the time to demand an explanation, not when Roy was just happy to have Ed ihome/i. Without understanding what was happening though, there were no words he could offer to make anything better. Roy settled for reaching out, dragging Ed against his chest.

Ed sagged in his arms for a moment, limp and lifeless as a rag doll. Just as Roy was beginning to wonder if he'd made a mistake in leaving Ed's demons be, mismatched arms finally rose, curling at the small of Roy's back. Ed pressed against Roy, clinging until he made a small sound of discomfort at the sharp press of automail fingers.

"Sorry, sorry." Ed jumped back, staring down at his metal hand as if it acted on its own accord. He seemed utterly disconnected, lost in some private purgatory even now.

"It's fine. I'm fine," Roy promised. This moment didn't match up with the picture he had in his head of Edward, and the strangeness of it all left him unsettled. Ed didn't even seem to notice he'd said anything, still staring at his hand in something like disappointment.

"Edward?" Roy tried again, reaching out to wrap his fingers around Ed's automail shoulder. Ed didn't respond, even as he slid his palm down a dirty, cotton sleeve. Only when he curled his hand around Ed's outstretched one did he get any reaction at all. Bleary amber eyes finally met his gaze, utterly bereft of all their usual life.

"I'm sorry. I'm… I'm just tired. It was a long trip and… and I'm tired," Ed mumbled, shaking his head to clear it.

Roy let what was perhaps a half truth slide, reaching to cup Ed's dirty cheek in his palm. He _wanted_ to demand an explanation. Instead, he leaned down, pressing a soft kiss against Ed's rough, chapped lips. He carded his fingers through Ed's hair, ignoring the way it was just a bit slick under his hand where it wasn't too tangled to tell. He drew his lips away from Ed's to murmur against his ear. "Why don't you go get cleaned up and relax while I make dinner?"

"Sounds good," Ed agreed quickly, some hint of his usual self showing through as he smiled again in earnest. Roy left him to it, watching only long enough to see Ed trudge up the stairs, just a little bit lighter than before.

Whether he genuinely felt better, or simply crafted a believable façade, a bath seemed to do Ed a great deal of good. Ed wandered into the kitchen and over to Roy where he stood at the stove. It was as if some of his sorrow had trickled down the drain along with the rest of the mess his mission had left him with. He draped himself against Roy's back, pressing his face against the soft fabric of a familiar sweater. He hissed softly when he pressed nearer, but he was speaking before Roy had a chance to ask what was wrong.

"So, so good to be home," Ed whispered, snuggling against Roy's back. Mismatched hands laced together, linked protectively over Roy's stomach. It was impossible to tell if he meant Central in general, or specifically Roy's house. Still, the sentiment made something warm curl in Roy's chest because there had been something or other long ago about not having a home, and maybe even with those weeks of heartbreaking, helpless phone calls, he'd done something good for Ed after all.

They ate dinner together in the kitchen, catching up as best they could manage. Roy picked his questions carefully, intent on preserving Ed's more relaxed mood, at least for tonight. It came and went anyway, and each time the darkness threatened to overcome Ed's expression, it pained Roy a little bit more.

It was tempting to stay up and just _talk_ to Ed, because he hadn't been able to in weeks. They had all weekend though, and Ed looked utterly exhausted, his eyes more obviously shadowed now that they weren't obscured by dirt. A blond head leaned heavily against Roy's shoulder as he did the dishes, fine hairs tickling Roy's neck as they frayed. Ed reached to help, but Roy gently pulled the towels away, fearing for the safety of their dishes considering his exhaustion.

Ed was always fairly pliant when he was tired. He allowed Roy to nudge him upstairs and only just barely muddled through brushing his teeth. Roy watched him strip down to his boxers and tee shirt and crawl under the covers, too weary to even change his clothes.

Roy got dressed for bed and followed, sliding across the mattress to settle at Ed's side. He was used to sleeping alone again, but it didn't stop him from appreciating the pleasant warmth of Ed's body against his. He scooted closer, rubbing his fingers against the younger man's scalp. Ed sighed in his ear, leaning unconsciously against his hand in encouragement.

Roy combed his fingers through Ed's hair, smiling at the pleasant hum it elicited. Ed squirmed closer, and his lips brushed over Roy's in soft, phantom kisses. The first inkling of isomething/i shivered its way down Roy's spine, and normally he would have drawn his lips away, fearing his own reactions.

Ed drew away with a low, content sound, and not for the first time Roy wondered how honest it was. Wasn't Ed frustrated by now? Yet, he only rolled onto his back, relaxing against the mattress. He hardly seemed to notice when Roy's palm slid along his belly over his shirt, as if he really wasn't bothered at all.

It wasn't that Roy didn't want sometimes. The first whispers of that desire were pleasant, and more often than not he considered following through. Any more than mere consideration though, made his stomach turn threateningly, his battered mind refusing to relinquish its hold on this one last part of him.

Ed whimpered, drawing Roy's attention. Lost in thought, he'd dragged his fingers along the hem of Ed's shirt, toying with the folded edge. Roy blinked, nearly jerking away, but something stayed his hand. Ed was so enticingly responsive. He never asked for _anything_, but he willingly accepted whatever Roy offered. He was pretty like this, flushed and squirming against the covers, his lips parted as he drank in Roy's just barely touches.

Besides, even after he'd gotten cleaned up, Ed was obviously hurting. Didn't he deserve a moment inot/i to hurt? Roy hoped that maybe if he focused on this, on how obviously Ed was enjoying this, he could get past the unsettling cold that always threatened. Didn't he owe Ed that much at least? He steeled himself, for all the good it did, and refused to pull away.

Roy brushed his fingers along the edge of Ed's shirt a moment longer, stalling perhaps. Ed's eyes cracked open, slits of gold that fairly glowed in the low light of the beside lamp. He didn't speak, but he gave Roy a questioning look.

"I missed you," Roy whispered, because of all the things he could think to say, it was the only one that was remotely safe. Ed seemed to accept it, because he didn't move away when Roy finally slid fingertips beneath his shirt.

He'd done this so many times, more elegantly, more expertly than now. Years of practice on softer curves and another form did nothing to ease the subtle shake of his hand as he memorized the heat of Ed's skin under his hand. He could only think to cover Ed's mouth with his own, stifling the fear that threatened with wet, frantic kisses.

Roy scraped his teeth and tongue over Ed's bottom lip, and the _sound_ it elicited rang temptingly in Roy's ears. It was a low, pleading moan Roy had never heard fall from Ed's lips as he traced the flat of Ed's stomach and deepened their kisses.

Maybe if he just focused on doing this for Ed, he could manage. Roy firmly ignored the doubt that lingered, instead throwing himself into the task at hand. He brushed kisses along Ed's jaw and down the hollow of his throat, reveling in the way Ed already panted and murmured appreciatively, when he'd only just begun.

If it had been only about Ed, he might have managed to fight off the inevitable. Ed's pulse hammered away under Roy's tongue, and he wriggled deliciously as Roy's fingers swept across his chest. There was power to be found in rendering Ed so desperate and needy and it was nearly enough to stamp out the sick feeling coiled in Roy's belly.

Mismatched hands reached around Roy's sides, scrabbling at his back. Human and metal fingers slid along bare skin at the small of Roy's back, and he jerked at the sensation. For just a moment, the only thing he could feel was violated.

It was Ed, just Ed, who was only ever good to him. Roy swallowed, and reminded himself of that over and over again, forcing himself not to stop. He hoped Ed hadn't noticed how hard he was struggling not to pull away entirely. Maybe Ed would be too needy and lust ridden to figure it out, but when Roy dipped his head for another kiss, he was met only with the side of an obstinately set jaw.

"Ed?" Roy murmured questioningly against Ed's ear. There was a heavy sigh, and a moment's hesitation before Ed shifted his head so that Roy's breath no longer washed over his throat.

"Why don't you trust me?" Ed demanded. Though he glared at Roy, he didn't look angry, only hurt. Roy's stomach lurched because that had been the farthest thing from his intentions. He'd only wanted to distract Ed from whatever ailed him, but now he looked as if the entire world was crushing him under its weight.

"I _do_. It isn't like that," Roy started, not at all sure how to explain that of all the wounds to refuse to heal, this was the hardest to cope with. He couldn't find the words to describe the war between desire and terror, affection and illness. Even flushed and panting and obviously upset, Ed still put Roy first, refusing to take anymore than he already had. His brows dipped irritably, but he still reached out to slide a hand along Roy's shoulders.

"It _is_, though. I keep telling you, you don't need to _prove_ anything to me. I just… want you, and I don't need anything you're not ready to give." Ed's expression was earnest, and something like understanding, and heaven knew Roy didn't _deserve_ whatever it was that had granted him this kind of devotion.

"But I…" Roy paused, realizing belatedly that they weren't talking about the same thing anymore. He'd thought that Ed assumed his hesitation was a lack of trust but…

"But nothing. I only ever want this to be good and… and I _love_ you. I…haven't I hurt enough people all on my own? So stop fucking using me to hurt yourself, because I _can't_… I can't anymore…" the words fell out in a pleading, frustrated jumble, before Ed even really seemed to realize what he'd said. Four letters never spoken and they hung, thick and sticky between him and Roy, but even with the color bright in his cheeks, and even looking like he wanted to cry about something else entirely, Ed didn't seem inclined to take them back.

Roy blinked, waiting for Ed to correct himself as the minutes stretched awkwardly between them. Ed finally opened his mouth, but even then, it wasn't anything Roy expected. "What are you staring at? It's not like anything's _different_. I'm not expecting… I'm not asking you to… feel the same or anything. Look, just forget that part and listen to the part where I was telling you to stop being an idiot, okay?"

Despite everything else, Roy smiled, albeit faintly. Edward might have kept going, but his mouth abruptly shut, his eyes glued to Roy's lips. Roy shook his head because all he could do was love Ed, Ed who had looked out for him and stuck by him and come _home_ when Roy had been so certain he wouldn't be back in time. "I… can't _not_ love you, Ed."

There was the briefest flash of a smile before it was drowned out by Ed scowling at him all over again. He tugged Roy along with him as he lay back down, squirming down beneath the comforter. He nuzzled Roy's temple, his voice laced with affection even as he grumbled, "Idiot. Then _trust_ me. If you're gonna be a spazz about something, at least do it over something important."

Roy chuckled at Ed's choice of words in light of his usual behavior. He wisely didn't tease because even if he felt a little bit better now, Ed was looking at him, all flat mouthed and seconds away from an outburst. It didn't last long as Ed decided he was too weary for the upkeep.

Ed's eyes sagged, and finally slipped shut as he rolled over, pressing his nose against Roy's throat. His breathing began to even out almost immediately, blowing in warm little puffs against Roy's skin. He was very nearly asleep when Roy reached to turn out the light. Roy lay in silence, and without anything left that seemed more important, he finally blurted out…"What _happened_ to you?"

"What? That gash on my side?" Ed asked, oblivious to what Roy was actually asking. Regardless, his voice was a great deal more subdued as he volunteered explanation. "Chimera got the better of me."

"Gash?" Roy prompted, turning the light back on. Ed squinted irritably, but he allowed Roy to hike up his shirt, exposing the damage wrought on him. A deep cut slashed across his side, and Roy was shocked that Ed had managed to hide it this long. It was stitched shut, but the area around it was mottled purple and green.

"Oh, Ed… Why didn't you _say_ anything?" Roy squeezed his eye shut for a moment. He tugged Ed against him, careful of the wound. Ed nuzzled against his throat, and for a moment Roy was certain it was all the answer he was going to get.

"It was going to kill me." Ed's voice was wracked by grief, deafening in the silence of their bedroom, though he spoke hardly above a whisper. It was enough at least, for Roy to gather that he'd killed the thing.

"You did what you had to, Ed. No one faults you for that," Roy soothed, bewildered and intrigued by their change in roles.

"_Kids_, Roy. He was using kids." Ed's jaw clenched, and his face was pressed so hard against Roy's throat, Roy was shocked he could still breathe. It was then that it sank in, what Ed couldn't bring himself to admit he'd done.

"Ed… There's nothing you could have done. It's not like you could change them back." Roy rubbed circles down Ed's spine, and god he was going to _fry_ Harcourt for putting Ed through this.

"It was probably just… just scared and I… there was still blood in my automail when I went to take a shower," Ed choked out.

Roy combed through Ed's hair, smoothing it with the palm of his hand. "I'm sorry, Ed. I know you did your best, but… you just can't protect everyone."

"I've never been able to protect _anyone_," Ed growled bitterly, his troubled whispers muffled against Roy's skin. "Not them, not even you."


	21. Chapter 21

Sorry for the delay on this. Real life has been insane so I keep forgetting to post this. As an apology, I'm just going ahead and posting the rest of the story and a little side story that goes with it.

It was one breach in the unbalance that had characterized the two of them together. Maybe that should have shattered the hold they had on each other, but as Roy watched Ed sleep the slumber of the battered and weary, nothing felt like it was breaking. He had leaned and leaned on Ed for months as he slowly pieced himself back together, and unflinchingly, Ed had let him. Now, Ed returned to him with cracks in his indomitable exterior, and for once, he leaned back.

Work was starting to make its way back into Roy's life, starting with his sleep. It was Saturday, and yet when he woke, the sky was still gray, only just beginning to entertain the idea of dawn. A bleary mockery of sunshine poked through the sides of the blinds, just enough light to edge Ed's sleeping form. He was sprawled under the covers, his automail leg curled like a vice around the back of Roy's knee, but just at that moment, he was the most beautiful thing Roy had ever seen.

It was enough in that moment just to lie still, the silence only broken by Ed's steady breathing. Roy lifted his hand to thread through Ed's hair, watching the strands part around his fingers like rivers of dulled gold. There was a faint catch in Ed's breathing and for a moment Roy thought he might wake.

Edward hardly stirred at all. He only tightened his grip on Roy, clinging as if he were hardly a breath away from falling into nothing. Roy cupped the back of Ed's head in his hand, leaning in to brush a light kiss against Ed's temple.

Whether that was what did it, or whether Ed was well and truly awake on his own hardly seemed to matter. He watched Roy with sleepy eyes still threatening to droop right back into slumber. His lips curved in a lazy smile, as if he were simply too near sleep to remember to be down. His voice was still slurred as he murmured a soft good morning.

Roy wished they could stay like this. Perhaps if he refused to acknowledge the world beyond Ed's warmth in his arms, then existence could be reduced to bleary eyes and a sleepy smile that wrenched something tender in his chest. For all the time they'd spent in each other's care, affection was a more recent shift, and love was altogether novel.

Funny how he felt Ed's smile fall from his lips before he truly saw it. His stomach bottomed out as Ed's gaze turned hollow before his mind quite registered why. Maybe once he could have pretended it didn't sting to watch Ed hurt this way. There was no denying it now though, not when every time he closed his eye, all he could see was Ed's haunted gaze.

Roy said nothing as Ed looked at him, only carding his fingers through loose, golden hair. There were no words to erase Ed's memory of a hopeless cause. Guilt could be such a tangible thing, and Ed seemed to drown in it, though no hand Roy might offer would pull him free. He offered what comfort he could, soothing hands and a warm, quiet presence that Ed eventually allowed himself to lean into.

He wasn't sure how long they stayed there. The dingy gray light slowly took on a brighter cast, invading the bedroom with undeniable evidence of morning. If Ed was unhappy, he was eventually less actively so. He didn't smile, but his mouth finally relaxed its downward tilt. The heartache that had been so violently evident on his features before seemed to dull somewhat as he relaxed in Roy's arms.

Eventually, Ed shook Roy's hand from his hair. He wriggled out of Roy's arms with an almost regretful sigh, leaving the air cold in the space where he'd lain. Roy watched him slip from the covers and stand, and though the sight was familiar and easy, Ed only looked lost. The question was out before Roy could quite stop himself because he never could hope to hide anything from Edward anymore. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Ed did smile then, a sad, remorseful twist of lips with eyes bright and pained and pleading. He might have reached out if he weren't too far from the bed to touch Roy without moving. His voice was soft, cradled in the silence between them. "Would it have saved her?"

"No, but it might have helped you. I was worried." Roy sat up, going to Ed when Ed still made no move to come to him.

"It wouldn't have accomplished anything. You only would have worried more and it wasn't like I could just pack up and come home," Ed pointed out, stiffening as Roy's hand slid across his shoulder blades.

"Do you not trust me to help you?" Roy frowned at how directly his own words came. It was a fear that nipped at him now and then. Perhaps Ed had seen him brought so low for so long that he'd never trust him not to break again. Until now, he'd managed to keep it to himself, but Edward seemed so immersed in his troubles, so unwilling to accept Roy's support, he couldn't help but ask.

Ed's eyes widened in honest surprise. "Is that really what you think? Roy, I… just wanted you to be able to focus on what you needed to do."

"And I did, so stop acting like you have to take on the world all by yourself." Roy wrapped his arm around Ed's shoulders and pulled just slightly. Whatever fight Ed was trying to have quickly dissipated, and he crumpled silently against Roy, allowing this one moment of weakness.

"We're such a mess," Ed muttered, his voice laced with a bitter sort of humor.

Ed wasn't exactly himself, but something in his mood seemed to lift a fraction after that. He stayed near to Roy, and for once it wasn't because he thought Roy needed it. They were unorthodox perhaps, but there was something comfortable about being needed back sometimes.

Bit by bit, the regret and shame faded as Ed threw himself back into the life he'd grown accustomed to. He insisted on a display of Roy's regained talents, and let Roy lead him into the backyard. A smile that was very nearly true cracked on his lips at the poor, singed rose bushes. It bloomed into something genuine with the first snap of Roy's fingers, his eyes drinking in the controlled explosion of heat and light.

The weekend slipped by as they relaxed into the familiar once more. They had lunch on Saturday with Al. He immediately picked up on Ed's mood, and Roy could only smile at the closeness that never faded between them. Al poked and prodded and Ed never had been able to keep much from his brother.

Roy discreetly left them alone in the study to talk about what weighed on Edward that he would never be able to reach the way Al could. He wondered if he ought to be jealous, but he couldn't quite work up the will. It was impossible to begrudge Ed this one place he could not tread.

Whatever Al had said to him, Ed's mood brightened considerably. It was as if he'd finally found the will to fight back. He talked to Roy about nothing, and maybe he was only filling the silence to chase off his own ills, but it was pleasant to hear his voice after weeks without him.

That night in bed, where the darkness was too bleak and crushing for Roy to see his face, he told everything. His voice was ragged and inches from breaking as he explained how much of a failure he believed himself to be. Oh he'd caught the alchemist alright, but it was too late to save his victims long before Harcourt had ever gotten around to sending him. He fell asleep with his face pressed against Roy's throat, still murmuring, pained and pleading. Roy lay awake long after he'd stopped, struck harshly by the way even someone so strong as Edward could be fragile sometimes, and the only thing he could do was reach out his arms.

Sunday was less cruel to them. Maybe what he'd needed was someone to talk to, one person in his life to assure him that things would eventually be alright, because Ed's smile didn't entirely fade when slumber cleared from his head. He only watched Roy for a while, his gaze intensely thoughtful.

"Thank you." It had been so quiet, the moment so calm that Ed's words were almost startling. He wanted to ask what for, but there were things they talked about and things they didn't, and he was fairly certain he knew anyway.

Sunday was lazy and pleasant, all considered. It was hard to tell whether Ed had found peace or simply resignation, but he was more recognizably himself. They argued alchemy, they played games, and Roy was reminded of months spent with Ed watching over him when he was too weak to say no. It wasn't as bitter as it might have been, not when he had this to show for all of it.

There were things they said, and sentiments that hung between them only in affectionate touches and whispers that never quite left their lips. Where loyalty and mutual desperation had been what held them together for so long, it was something else now that drove them to stay like this. Roy found himself wondering as the sun sank on the last of their weekend, how long this had been in the making. How many months had they loved each other, their minds too wrapped up in their troubles even to notice.

"Do you think we'll ever be able to just be normal about this?" Ed sprawled over Roy on the couch, and it seemed such a funny time for a question like that.

"This isn't normal?" Roy asked as he dragged his hand along the fabric of Ed's shirt, careful to avoid his injury.

"I wasn't talking about _this_," Ed grumbled. His attempt at clarification was punctuated by a lethargic gesture with his hand that might possibly have meant something. "I just meant us in general."

"I've never seen you do anything normally in all the time I've known you," Roy teased, grinning when Ed lifted his head to scowl more effectively. "But does it matter? Has living up to someone else's definition of what things should be _ever_ made you happy?"

"It's not… I don't mean it like… Are _you_ happy?" Ed finally blurted out, looking very much confused about why he was even asking.

Roy smiled in earnest, cupping Ed's cheek. "I love you. I love you and you're home. Of course I'm happy. Aren't you?"

"Fucking sap. I'm fine. Quit fishing for compliments." But there was no venom in Ed's voice and his expression was one of extreme relief. So maybe the words were necessary after all, even if they didn't need them all the time.

It would have been wonderful if he might have lost himself here, stuck in a moment where Ed was falling asleep draped across his chest. There was a soft, pleased hum as Roy's hand stroked over Ed's hair. Roy found himself continuing, just to hear the sound again.

The hum faded away as Ed's eyes slipped shut and he wriggled sort of halfway on top of Roy, and half wedged into the couch cushions. He was heavy and a not a little bit uncomfortable, but Roy simply didn't have the heart to move him. He only slung his arms around Ed's waist, cautiously low to be sure he didn't hurt Ed's injured side. Ed would probably jab him with the automail squeezed between him and the couch and he would be sore tomorrow, but it was undeniably worth it.


	22. Chapter 22

Monday came entirely too early. It would have been nice to have one more day where everything he'd worked for wasn't on the line. One more day was not to be had, however, as the alarm cruelly jarred Roy from sleep. Sometime in the night, they'd made it back to the bed, and he almost wished they hadn't just so he wouldn't have to listen to that awful sound.

Ed blinked beside him, his expression something akin to disappointed. Roy was fairly certain he was seriously considering rolling over and just going back to sleep. He met Roy's eye though, his own widening in some private recognition and he sat up.

They went about their morning routine, and it made Roy smile despite his nerves that they had one. He'd never considered Ed to be particularly steady. He seemed so hungry to take in the entire world. It was almost shocking, when Roy paused to think about it, that Ed had become the most permanent fixture in his life.

Out of the shower, Roy stared at the steam covered mirror. He still never looked until he was safely concealed behind his eye patch and clothing. Still, if he could brave the weapon that put him here, why not the damage it had done?

He'd had enough of hiding. With a deep, rattling breath, Roy raised his hand, swiping splayed fingers across the mirror. The fog dissipated with each swipe of his palm, revealing a reflection he wasn't entirely ready to see.

Knotted scar tissue sprawled out over an otherwise empty eye socket. It crawled across his cheekbone, threatening to take over his jaw before giving way to unblemished flesh near the corner of his mouth. Roy's stomach turned; the man he'd once been only a fleeting memory, but he refused to look away.

He shifted his gaze lower, past an undamaged throat, tracing his own collarbones. His chest was no better than his face. There were patches where there was no damage, flat and dull places where he could still feel. They seemed alien, like squatters among their grotesque surroundings.

He couldn't look anymore. It stung as much as the day it had first dawned on him how permanent this was. Shaking his head, he turned away from the mirror, dressing hastily, as if he might be forced to look otherwise.

He couldn't get out of there fast enough, and he took the steps perhaps a bit too quickly. When he reached the kitchen, Ed was looking at him, his brows knit as if they meant to somehow melt together. He attempted to hide his concern behind his coffee mug, but Roy knew him far too well for that, now.

They ate in near silence, both lost in thought. Ed cleared Roy's plate almost before he even realized he was finished. There was a sliver of a painfully fond smile, nearly missed in the turn of Ed's body as he headed for the sink.

Everything they'd fought for was coming to a head, and Roy honestly wasn't sure how things would play out if he failed today. It was on the tip of his tongue to warn Ed that this might have all been for nothing. He groped for words, and by the time he'd picked out just how he wanted to couch the potential apology, Ed had beat him to it. "You're going to pass, you know."

Despite his own fears, he had to admire Ed's resolve. It was hard to question the commiserating grin that had wormed across Ed's lips. "How can you be so certain?"

"I'm counting on you. Because if you don't show Harcourt up, and I have to deal with his stupid smug…" Ed paused to make a vague gesture, and Roy was pretty sure he was going for 'demeanor'. It was far more fun, however, to watch Ed scrunch his nose and lips towards his forehead as he waved his arm to make sure Roy got the point, than to correct him or fill in the blank. "His… you know that stupid _face _he does when he thinks he's got you… But to see that again, I will probably punch it off of him, and I don't think that would go well for anyone. "

"I have to pass my assessment to save Harcourt's face from what will probably be your automail, then?" Roy was smiling in spite of himself. There was something oddly reassuring about how after everything, at the core, Ed was still Ed. Here when it all came down to this one test, Ed was still trying to force his own courage on Roy by brute force.

He hardly remembered the drive to headquarters. Undoubtedly, Havoc had tried to make conversation, had perhaps even managed it with Ed. Roy couldn't really be sure. Even the back of his head and shoulders in front of Roy had dulled to a foggy silhouette in Roy's mind. Despite Ed's best efforts, Roy's resolve was still threatening to sputter out completely.

"Mustang." Harcourt's voice seeped acidly into Roy's consciousness, interrupting his and Ed's walk to his office. He forced himself to stand a little straighter and not to smile as he saw Ed make a haphazard effort to salute out of the corner of his eye.

"General Harcourt," he acknowledged, albeit reluctantly.

Harcourt, however, was no longer looking at him. "Fullmetal. What are you doing here?"

"I returned Friday evening and came in with my completed report as ordered, sir. You were out, so it's been on your desk since then," Ed replied. His words were even, and only Roy could be certain of the smug grin he was struggling to keep in check.

"The mission was a success, I take it?" Harcourt demanded. It was only a lead in for whatever else he had planned to get rid of Edward, and he couldn't possibly know the toll it had taken. Still, it was all Roy could do not to lash out.

Ed set his jaw, schooling away the grief that tried to crawl to the surface. It was a moment before he replied, but when he did, there was only the slightest waver in his words. "The alchemist was apprehended, sir."

Harcourt didn't notice, or didn't care about the volumes it spoke that Ed had expounded so little. "Good. Now, come with me. I have another assignment for you."

Ed made no move to go. He frowned deeply, obviously racking his brain for an excuse to stay and be present for Roy's sake. Eventually, he seemed to strike on something, and maybe it had been there all along. Obviously fighting with his own pride, and eventually discarding it in favor of his obscene sense of loyalty, he replied, "With all due respect, sir. As I'm sure you'll find when you read my report, I was injured during the mission. I haven't been cleared for duty. I'm afraid my appointment isn't until tomorrow."

It occurred to Roy that Ed had probably done that on purpose. He wasn't much of a strategist, but months spent with Roy seemed to at least having him thinking a little bit ahead. With nothing else to fall back on, Harcourt had no choice but to let the matter drop.

"Very well," he hissed, glaring at Roy as if the whole thing were his fault. "See that you report in as soon as you are cleared for duty."

Harcourt stalked off towards his office, and only then did Roy relax. Ed sagged beside him, as if maintaining his composure had taken a great deal more effort than he was willing to own up to. Still, Ed managed a self satisfied grin, and Roy didn't think he'd ever been quite so proud of him as he was in that moment.

Insisting that he just didn't have "anything better to do," Ed offered what distraction he could in idle conversation. Roy gratefully let himself be pulled in, determined not to think about the impending assessment any sooner than absolutely necessary. He tried to believe that he had recovered, that there was nothing to be afraid of, but it didn't keep his fingers from flinching as they slid against the ignition cloth in his pocket.

He was almost relieved when it was finally time to head down to the parade grounds. One way or another, at least it would be done with. Ed walked with him as far as he could, a steadying presence at his side.

"Look, if this doesn't…" Roy started when they'd come as far as they could together, but Ed was already cutting him off.

"You're better than anything Harcourt can put in front of you. Quit being a spazz. I'd hate to think those poor rosebushes died for nothing." Ed grinned like he hadn't a care in the world, like he honestly believed Roy couldn't lose. The corner of Roy's mouth twitched, itching to return the gesture.

"I never liked them anyway," Roy replied, feeling a bit more himself. He watched Ed go, ponytail bobbing with each step.

By the time Roy was walking out onto the empty parade ground, he felt untouchable. As much as he wanted to, he refused to look for Ed in the gathering crowd. He'd mastered his gloves again in Ed's absence. He could do this on his own, too. Moments away from taking his life back from months of nightmares and setbacks, Roy found himself almost eagerly awaiting his opponent.

Finally, the alchemist Harcourt sent to face him emerged. Roy fought the urge to shake his head at the obvious attack on his once fragile psyche. At first glance, Roy might have mistaken the man for one of his captors.

Roy swore up and down that it meant nothing, that he wasn't bothered. He was far enough from the situation to be untouched, and there was no significance to the heavy thud of his heart in his chest. He stood with his hands concealed in his pockets. Though his muscles twitched threateningly with each step his opponent advanced, Roy only allowed a familiar smirk to creep across his lips.

"It doesn't have to be like this. You could make things a lot easier on yourself." For a moment, Roy only faltered, his eye gone wide in recollection. He couldn't be certain if Harcourt was so cruel as to coach a thing like that, or if his own nerves had simply pulled words from thin air. It didn't matter, because real or imagined, his poise was shattered. Whatever the alchemist was saying was lost in the frantic snap of Roy's fingers.

Again and again fire erupted, driving Roy's opponent across the parade ground. The alchemist didn't seem inclined to fight back just yet, but Roy masked his confusion with relentless attacks, bright light that arced blindingly in the air between them. He breathed in smoke and it only served to trap him further in his memories.

Suddenly, the alchemist wasn't retreating. He dodged to the side, grinning like he'd intended this all along. As he reached to press his hands to the ground, Roy caught a glimpse of a circle etched across his palm. It wasn't the same as the ones on his gloves, but his chest clenched in dread as Roy recognized its intent.

Or course Harcourt would do something like this. There was no finesse to the billowing flames that barreled towards him. He was cowed, frozen in fear that he couldn't pull himself together enough to shake. The knotted flesh behind his eye patch and sprawled out beneath his uniform, howled in remembered agony, though all that was left was deadened nerves.

Something in the brutal power behind his opponents transmutation struck a chord. Chaotic and explosive, it was as if Ed had decided to try his hand at fire. _Ed_. If he could just hang on to that… As Roy stared at the relentless blaze, all he could see in that instant was an explosion of debris in a dark prison, and a familiar figure, shrouded in the dust that hung in the air. Had they really come this far only to be overcome now? Even as Roy shook his head to clear away the memory, he was moving again, leaping out of the way of his opponent's attack.

There was no room left for hesitation. Roy fell back on instinct where conscious thought had so fully betrayed him. Damaged or not, he _knew_ this sort of alchemy. Ignoring the temptation that remained to cower away from the flames, Roy advanced on his opponent, driving him into a corner.

Somewhere behind him, Roy thought he could hear Ed shouting at him, or maybe at Harcourt. He couldn't hear what, and maybe he'd only imagined it in his need to know that Ed was still there. The world devolved into red and orange and blistering heat. His opponent had retreated in earnest this time, but Roy offered no quarter. He snapped his fingers until there was nowhere left to go.

The match ended as his opponent begged for mercy with wide eyes and frantic words. The crowd that had gathered cheered in the stands, but Roy was deaf to it. He only stared at the scorched parade ground, his personal battlefield. Terrified and inches from breaking, he'd somehow dredged up the strength to overcome it anyway.

The alchemist scrambled off the field, but Roy wasn't looking at him. Bit by bit, the crowds cleared, leaving him almost entirely alone in an emotionally exhausted haze. He didn't even notice there was someone else on the parade ground until Ed was standing right in front of him.

"You should have seen the look on Harcourt's face. It was priceless. See, I _told_ you you'd do fine and…" Ed's excitable tirade died abruptly as he reached out to clasp Roy's shoulder. "And… you did."

He had, hadn't he? The strange, lingering fear that somehow after all this he'd still failed was all that had kept him upright. He collapsed to his knees, ignoring the dust that smeared the fabric of his uniform. He sagged in relief, glad Ed didn't ask for an explanation as he flopped down in the dirt at his side. There was finality here, to be able to put it into worlds that he'd done it. He'd won. It was finally over.


	23. Chapter 23

The seat beside Roy was empty as Havoc drove him home. Then again, since Ed's contract had expired, it was always empty. Though he had an affinity for bringing his projects home with him, Ed nearly always beat Roy home from work these days.

The house smelled of chicken and garlic as Roy made his way inside and to the kitchen. No matter how many times Ed gave him the "cooking is practically alchemy so shut up or I won't feed you anymore," speech, Roy was hard pressed not to tease as he watched Ed stirring a pot on the stove. He managed to hold his tongue for once, only standing behind Ed and wrapping his arms around the younger man's waist.

"Quit being distracting, you idiot. Can't you see I'm cooking?" It was probably odd to find comfort in Ed's insults, but Roy smiled anyway. Six months since his assessment and something of their old dynamic was finally slipping back into place.

"How was work?" Per usual, that was more than enough to quell any ire Ed had over being disrupted. Roy listened as Ed went on about his current project, and pretended not to notice Ed had already told him about this half a dozen times. It was worth listening again just to see Ed smile like he'd forgotten all his demons. With any luck, Ed would never have to take another life, and Roy was willing to tolerate the endless updates, and folders and papers strewn across their kitchen table if it kept things that way.

He supposed that it being "their" kitchen table, he really couldn't complain too terribly much. A month after the assessment, they had finally come to the mutual conclusion that Ed was probably not going anywhere, and he'd moved in. "Moving in" mostly only amounted to gathering up the few things from the apartment he'd shared with Al that hadn't already wormed their way into the house.

"What? You're staring." But Ed didn't seem too concerned about getting an answer because he only shook his head, smiling like he'd always been comfortable with this particular incarnation of the two of them, and went back to cooking.

Dinner was pleasant and easy, but it generally was these days. Afterwards, Ed sat at the kitchen table and scribbled notes because the office was "stuffy". And of _course_ it had nothing to do with the fact that Roy was also in the kitchen, doing the dishes. It felt as if they'd been doing this for years. For a moment, Roy was almost glad for everything that had happed, if this was what he had to show for it.

The evening was quiet. Roy finished putting away the dishes, and slid into the chair beside Edward. He watched Ed doodle arrays, and they debated theory until even Ed looked as if he couldn't keep his eyes open another minute.

Eventually, they made their way upstairs. Nights like these, only Ed's insistence that he was going to push Roy off the bed if he dared kept him from falling into it, uniform and all. Roy draped the jacket over the back of the chair in the corner, turning away from Ed the way he always did before plucking at the top button of his shirt.

For all his drive to make Roy get over everything else, Ed had always been peculiarly indulgent where his appearance was concerned . Perhaps he sympathized with how difficult it was for Roy to even look at himself, let alone allow Ed to see. And so it was always this way; if Ed was bothered by everything Roy still hid away, he refused to say a word.

Just as Roy reached for the next button down, Ed's fingers wrapped around his shoulder and turned him around. There was no explanation, just lips against his and mismatched arms coiled lightly around his waist. Roy closed his eye as Ed relaxed against him, his damaged body the furthest thing from his mind.

One kiss became two and three and then Roy's fingers were buried in the soft fall of Ed's hair. For all that it got easier every time, things rarely progressed beyond a few heated kisses. He had no idea how Ed was so blessedly patient about it all, except maybe that he just honestly didn't know.

But Ed was warm and pliant in his arms, soft lips parting as Roy's tongue skimmed across them. Flesh and metal fingers clutched at Roy's shirt, leaving him helpless but to continue. Roy devoured Ed's mouth and the sounds he got for his trouble, a needy whimper as Ed melted against him, were more than enough to tip the scales between fear and want.

Slowly, Roy backed toward the bed, bringing Ed along with him. He sat heavily on the edge of the mattress, and he might have smiled at the way Ed settled in his lap without a hint of hesitation if he'd had the time. As it was, he was far more interested in the urgent press and slide of lips and tongue against his.

Ed's mouth strayed, peppering kisses along his jaw. Teeth sank slightly into tender flesh at the junction of Roy's throat and his breath caught, stuttering in and out. It had been far too long, and for once that was enough to drown out the way something inside him still faltered in the face of this kind of vulnerability. For the moment, all he could think about was how much better it would feel to be tracing Ed's spine without fabric in the way.

It was one thing left to reclaim, starting all over in its own way. More than a year and never a man, and Ed had never even _done_ this, Roy's thoughts rambled and sputtered out as Ed sucked curiously at his pulse. So maybe it could be a beginning for the both of them.

Some part of him still begged to stop, to pry Ed's mouth off his neck and reclaim control, but he ignored it. He let himself be drunk on Ed's teeth scraping at his throat. He was distantly aware of the way his hands tugged at Ed's shirt as a pleasured moan bubbled from his lips.

"Fuck, I'm sorry. I… I didn't mean…" Ed looked utterly mortified at himself, as if he'd done something awful. It took Roy's lust addled head a moment to catch up enough to sort out why.

"Don't stop. It's okay," Roy finally managed, his voice thick and husky with want as he drew Ed's chin towards his for another kiss.

Ed pulled back, but only barely, his resolve wavering. "Are you sure? I don't want this to be…"

"I'm okay… Right now I'm okay. Please stop talking." Roy muffled whatever Ed meant to reply with another kiss.

He wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, because there was very little Roy thought qualified as better than kissing Ed. Unfettered by guilt, Ed was a force of nature, and Roy didn't even have a moment to wonder why he'd ever expected anything else.

It was only when Ed found the hem of his shirt that Roy faltered. He could let Ed kiss him, but his demons still lingered. Maybe it was the need to feel like he still had a handle on things, but it wasn't only that. Ed's pulling at his shirt reminded him of what lay beneath it. He could scarcely bear to look at himself. How could he let Ed see?

Maybe if he just turned out the light. Roy reached for the bedside lamp, but automail fingers curled tenderly around his wrist. "Roy… It's nothing I haven't seen before."

Roy's stomach lurched, his traitorous mind reminding him it had been different then. He was about to say as much, but Ed only cast him a doubtful look. His lap was empty before he could explain and Roy cursed internally for not being able to just be better already.

But Ed didn't leave the way Roy expected. He stood still, his breath coming in a shallow, nervous rhythm. He fidgeted with his hands a moment before steeling his jaw and peeling away the fabric of his shirt.

Roy watched Ed fight the desire to hide his automail, only then realizing what Ed was trying to do for him. He wasn't alone. He wasn't the only one who didn't like everything they saw in the mirror. Yet, when he reached out, brushing the pads of his fingers along the edge of the automail port, Ed didn't pull away.

It wasn't the first time he'd seen Ed without a shirt, but it was the first time he'd reached out with anything like intent. It all felt brand new, and it was all he could do not to be completely distracted by the way Ed shivered under his fingers. Roy traced scars and metal and smooth skin alike, memorizing every inch of the figure in front of him as if he might never get another opportunity.

Roy was too caught up to pay much attention when Ed reached out to him until human fingers hesitantly brushed across the band that held his eye patch in place. Ed waited, still giving Roy the chance to say no, even after all he'd exposed of his own insecurities. No matter how much it twisted Roy's stomach in knots, there was no answer left but to nod his head.

Ed was so very careful as he eased the band free, cautious so as not to snag Roy's hair in his automail. When he did things like this, like curling around Roy in bed, lulling him to sleep with gentle touches and whispered words, it was hard for Roy to reconcile the person Ed was with the young man he'd known for years. Indelicacy and prickliness were shed or buried well when he got it in his head that gentleness was what was needed. Roy was sort of… glad that it was only here, hidden away from the rest of the world like some well kept secret he doubted anyone else but Al even knew Ed was capable of.

Roy flinched as the eye patch fell away. He wasn't sure what he expected, but Ed was entirely unperturbed, only smiling like Roy had just given him something amazing. He cocked his head to the side, reaching human fingers to trace Roy's cheekbone. His lips followed, pressing unabashedly against the ruined place where Roy's eye had once been. Roy swallowed thickly, shutting the other one as some part of him threatened to sob in overwhelming relief.

Roy sucked in a sharp breath as Ed hesitantly skimmed the front of his shirt. He pulled back, searching Roy's face for any hint of wanting to stop. Mismatched fingers lay slack against Roy's chest. It hardly seemed fair that Ed was devoting so much to putting Roy at ease when he was so very new to this, but it was unavoidable. Unable to offer anything else, Roy curled his fingers around Ed's, drawing them back to the buttons of his shirt.

"Roy, are you…" Ed shook his head, biting his tongue on the question. His human fingers traced the divot of Roy's throat, painstakingly pulling the buttons free one at a time. His expression was reverent and warm as he pushed the fabric aside, letting it settle still caught on Roy's shoulders. It clawed at something in Roy's chest when after everything else, Ed still stopped there, chewing his lip and asking if this was okay. He couldn't seem to find his voice, but Roy pulled Ed a step closer, hoping that could be enough.

Only when Ed's lips found his and steel fingers cupped his damaged jaw did Roy manage to find anything like peace with this. He lifted his arms, faltering once before wrapping them around Ed to pull him closer. Ed seemed all too happy to indulge him, squirming closer until there was nowhere left to go. It was just skin and metal and with his deadened nerves, Roy could hardly feel the press of Ed's body against his in most places. He choked on a low whimper as Ed's fingers lazily traced his shoulder blades and the knobs of his spine beneath the limp fabric of his shirt. His heart threatened to hammer right through his chest, though Ed only stood between his knees at the edge of the bed, offering nothing more than innocent affection.

Roy wasn't sure what he could stomach, and he refused to let anything with Ed be tainted by his own hang-ups, even if it meant taking things painfully slowly. Still, they'd come this far and it seemed cruel to call it a night now. Though something inside him shivered violently, Roy kissed Ed again, urging him up onto the bed.

Ed pulled away with a fond smile, joining Roy on the bed. When he lay down, Roy followed, sinking against the covers, against Ed. It was easy, normal even, so long as he didn't think about his open shirt and unshielded scars.

Holding Ed in bed to kissing Ed here was not such a great stretch. Ed's hands curiously explored his body and Roy sighed against him, drinking in careful, tender touches he could never bring himself to allow on his own. He only distantly noted the way Ed avoided his scars, doing everything possible to keep from spooking Roy or driving him off.

Roy's lips strayed from Ed's mouth to his jaw, tracing its edge with peppered kisses. Ed sucked in a sharp breath, receptive even to this small thing, his head tipping to offer up his throat in blissful sacrifice. Roy kissed the column of his neck, Ed's pulse hammering beneath his lips.

Kisses trailed down the expanse of Ed's throat to lost, pleading sounds. Something of Ed's infinite patience about this one thing seemed to finally crack. Mismatched fingers scrabbled at Roy's back as his tongue met the edge of Ed's automail port.

Even now, desperate and gasping uselessly for breath, Ed still dredged up control from somewhere. One bleary, golden eye flicked open, narrowing in an attempt at focus. Roy was okay, he was alright when he was in control, but it didn't stop Ed's halting, panted out words, "We don't… if you… if you don't want to do this…"

As if Roy could tell him no. He silenced Ed with a soft, lingering kiss. His fingers traced the taut, scarred edges of Ed's port and he smiled at the low whimper that bled against his lips in its wake.

Pliant skin gave under Roy's fingers as they drifted downward, tracing the contours of Ed's body. Ed's stomach muscles twitched at the unfamiliar touch and he stared at Roy in something like awe. Roy watched Ed pull his bottom lip between his teeth in nervousness or blatant need when pale fingers finally met the waistband of his pants.

It had been a long time since Roy had felt quite so woefully inadequate for this. It wasn't that he was at all bothered by the rather glaring differences between Ed and… every woman he'd ever taken to bed. It was just unfamiliar and for all they'd been through, Ed deserved perfect.

Discarding the nervousness inherent in this, Roy slid his other hand along Ed's side to join the first. Eyes like embers followed Roy's every movement with rapt attention as Ed obviously struggled to keep still. Roy faltered only once, his fingers lingering at the button on Ed's pants. He swallowed thickly, his voice hardly more than a hushed murmur as he asked, "May I?"

Ed nodded as if the circumstances left him entirely bereft of words. He held absolutely still, hardly even breathing as Roy's unfastened his pants, slowly drawing down the zipper. Ed lifted his hips in invitation and Roy tugged pants and boxers down over Ed's hips before he could talk himself out of it. He didn't dare look up until he'd dragged the last of Ed's clothes entirely off and they fell from his fingers to the floor.

Roy always thought of Ed as something beautiful. Like this though, he was utterly breathtaking. Roy reached out, reverently sliding his fingers along places he'd never touched, the tops of Ed's thighs, the hollows of his hips.

It wasn't that he didn't know what he was doing, just that it seemed entirely different doing it to someone else. Roy carefully memorized the dip of Ed's hips, the way he quivered at every touch like a bow string drawn taut. When Roy finally drew his fingers along the length of Ed's cock, he let out a stuttered gasp, eyes widening in revelation.

Ed watched with wide eyes and parted lips, like he was having trouble believing any of this was more than a product of an overactive imagination. His apparent disbelief didn't last. He whined appreciatively as Roy's fingers curled around him, hair splaying across the pillows as he let his head fall back against it.

It was hard for Roy to pay much mind to the demons that haunted him. They were easy to ignore when Ed was sprawled out like this beneath him, beautiful and gratefully receptive to his every touch. It was the closest thing to normal he'd ever been able to offer Ed, and Roy resolutely refused to think about how far he may or may not be able to handle.

Roy moved his hand teasingly along Ed's length, reveling in the low, needy sounds he drew from the younger man's throat. He fell into a slow, steady rhythm, entranced by the way Ed's body arched to meet him, as if nothing was quite enough. Ed's eyes screwed shut, blindly trusting as he breathed harshly through bared teeth.

It wasn't nearly enough, but even lost in the moment, Roy knew he couldn't cobble his broken parts back together enough to give any more. Still, he ached to be closer at least. Careful not to stop, he stretched out beside Edward, near enough to press kisses along his throat.

The contact seemed to be exactly what Ed wanted. He immediately tried to roll towards Roy. Thankfully, he was too far gone to notice the way Roy flinched as he nuzzled against a ruined cheek, clinging to him despite the scars. Roy squeezed his eye shut and let it go. Ed had seen and undeniably wanted him anyway. Roy wanted to touch and hold more than he wanted to hide.

He was so lost in the relief of being able to do this much, Roy nearly missed the way Ed shuddered against him with clutching fingers and whimpered curses. The way Ed bit his lip did nothing to muffle the almost pained sounds he made. Roy tipped his head to suck at the junction of Ed's jaw and throat and that was it.

Ed's eyes flew open, his fingers clawing at Roy's shirt. He came hard against his belly and Roy's, curling harshly in on himself until his face was pressed into Roy's shoulder. Roy's name was lost somewhere in the low, sobbing moan Ed let out.

Roy held Ed against him, smoothing a hand over his tangled hair. Ed sagged against him, sated and lost in the pleasant fatigue that followed. It was a long moment before he seemed to remember himself. His fingers hesitantly stroked along Roy's hip, over his pants as he murmured against Roy's shoulder. "What about you?"

It was one thing to be in control, and quite another to give that up. As much as his body complained, begging for something, his mind couldn't cope strung out the way he was. Roy refused to ruin this, so he only smiled, kissing Ed's temple. "I'm fine."

"You sure?" Ed asked, but he didn't push when Roy nodded. He looked hurt or disappointed perhaps, but the expression smoothed out quickly into a sleepy smile. Roy couldn't help but return it.

Roy thought about grabbing a washcloth to clean them up, but he couldn't really fathom voluntarily letting Ed go. Instead he only shifted Ed's limp body more fully into his arms, dragging the blankets over them both. Ed's breathing slowed to something calm and steady. Roy was almost certain he'd dozed off completely when Ed shifted his head just enough to whisper in Roy's ear, slurred with sleep, "I love you."

And that was the heart of it, wasn't it? Things weren't perfect. There was still this insurmountable… thing. There were still nights he woke to Ed shuddering violently in his arms, his cheeks wet, even in sleep. There were still days where his uniform felt like a lie, and it was all he could do to get out of bed. They stood by each other anyway, and they were making this work, even if it was only one step at a time.

"I love you too, Ed." He liked to pretend that someday they'd be a normal couple. Maybe they'd never really be mended, but it was a nice wish. In the meantime, Ed was peacefully curled up in his arms, and that was worth smiling about. Whatever they faced, they faced together, and that night Roy slept at ease with Ed's head resting over his heart.


	24. Monsters and Shadows side story

This is a short side story that is meant to take place not long after Ed rescues Roy. It was mostly just an excuse to write from Ed's point of view.

It was the low, keening sound that jostled him from sleep, an anguished reply to another nightmare that twisted the guilt in Ed's belly. Roy went quiet and rigid beside him, too still to be sleeping any longer. Somehow, the unearthly calm was worse than all his unconscious struggling.

Ed's eyes blinked open, warily shifting to regard the bed's other occupant. Roy's back was to him, pale and unmarred in the moonlight. If not for the ugly bandages that crawled across his skin, Ed could have fooled himself into believing that he was whole.

No, not whole, maybe never whole. He had failed and failed again until it was too late, the damage already done. Every vicious clap of his hands, every life he'd taken in his fury meant nothing, offered no equivalent retribution for _this_. No retaliation could make his heart stop clenching as he watched Roy's shoulders tense, afraid even of the gentle quiet that surrounded them.

_Your fault_. His mind whispered insidiously, gleefully saddling him with every wound, inside and out. He could just make out the wrappings around the ruined side of Roy's face, shrouding the place where his eye ought to be, and that was his burden too. Every definition he had of the man beside him was obliterated by his own failure to protect.

He wanted to howl with the agony of it all, but he could not afford himself the respite. Not when Roy finally looked at him, his expression pathetically relieved, as if he'd thought sometime in the night Ed's weight on the bed had been replaced by a monster. He didn't even seem to care that Ed _was_ the monster. There was blood on his hands that refused to be washed away, and he had only broken pieces to show for it.

His arms eased across the chasm of blankets and bedding. He swore it was not for his own comfort, that the warmth of Roy's body, trembling and _alive_ in his arms didn't chase away the memories of bodies buried in the rubble and blood stained gloves shoved in his pocket. He did not deserve that comfort, but he could not stomach the way that Roy curled in a bit on himself, like the weight of the darkness was too much to bear.

Ed's fingers sought a hold in the blankets careful not to touch. It did no good. The way Roy reflexively shrank back just a bit, even from him, sat like rot in his belly a blatant reminder of the wrong he'd allowed.

He ached for something he recognized. Faint slivers of normalcy showed through now and again, a familiar expression, a shadow of something General Mustang might have said. Ed clung to them for all the hope he could leech from them, but there was nothing like that now, no strength or confidence in the face that watched him across the bed.

The defeat in that expression was too much. Frantic to wipe it away, his human fingers curled around Roy's shoulder, the only comfort he could offer. Eventually, the muscles beneath his palm went slack. Every move pulled at still damaged flesh and the stuttered gasp as Roy unthinkably tried to move closer rang harshly in Ed's ears, another wound he'd hide from the world. He closed the distance, if only so he wouldn't have to hear that miserable sound again, not when he could do something to stop it.

Roy's body sagged weakly against his. Ed wished he could be appalled by the way his fingers immediately found their way to card through dark, shaggy hair, but there was a soft sound from Roy's lips that finally wasn't pain, and he was helpless but to continue. Slowly, Roy's breathing evened out, allowing Ed to lull him back towards slumber. His cheek had somehow found its way to Ed's chest as if he could find safety so long as he could hear the steady pounding of Ed's heart.

Roy _trusted_ him, the most apt punishment of all. He craved it and he loathed it, and heaven knew he didn't deserve it. The hands that smoothed over the back of Roy's head had given no quarter, offered no mercy, and for what? It was hard to say what was the worst of it, the way he'd taken lives like they meant nothing, or that he wasn't sorry at all. Each time he replayed the choice in his head, hoping that knowing what he knew now, he'd do something differently and redeem himself. Each time, his vision blurred, the choice made before his palms ever met.

Resignation was a cold, lonely thing, the words he could not speak lying stagnant and bitter on his tongue. He would stay, and relish the agony, a constant reminder of his own inadequacy. He would lay the world at Roy's feet if he had to, but somehow, he would set this right.

Fine tendrils of hair drifted against his throat as Roy shifted at his side. His fingers curled protectively closer, already moving of their own accord. He smiled despite the pain, tracing Roy's spine through the blankets. Determined to rest easy, not for his own sake, but so as not to disturb Roy, Ed resolutely ignored the present, clinging doggedly to the faintest strands of hope. They could set this right. The cost had been horrific, if justly deserved. Perhaps he only existed in shattered bits, useless fragments that refused to piece together, but for all his broken pieces, the fact remained that Roy was alive.


End file.
